The Bully in my Brain

The Bully in my Brain

When I was a child, I experienced bullying at school. It didn’t last for too long. I wasn’t the type of kid who stood for it, mostly because there was nothing anyone could do to me that was worse than what was going on at home. Bullies tried, though. I mean, I was the outsider, the quiet one. The one with the dirty clothes and greasy hair. I was the kid who everyone knew was poor. Whose mother couldn’t handle him (Her lies).

I was that problem child who’d burst into a rage, hit another child, rip up someone’s school work for no reason at all. But I was also an easy target. One of the worst things of bullying, I think, is the silence, the shame, those moments alone when you can’t find a way out of what’s going on, and you know, tomorrow, when you’re walking down the road, that bully is there. He’s waiting. He’s got every god damn tool, and he’s been waiting for you.

Forty-two years old, and I’m still the victim of a vicious bully, except, just like when I was a child, I can’t report this bully to anyone. I can’t get them to stop. I can try and say it, try and fight, but how do you fight a bully that’s your own head?

I feel like I’m sitting in this never-ending pit of darkness and silence. It’s got me locked in a closet, far away from everyone. I try to open my mouth, open messages, start replies to my friends. My bully keeps catching me, keeps putting the gag over my mouth, over my thoughts, over every piece of me. So I close messages, I put down the phone. I utter the lies that I’m fine. Just tired.

Do you know how many just tiredsI am recently?

The problem with bullies is that they isolate you. They cut you off from the world for so long that people give up on you.

I can’t tell anyone that part of me wants to die. To just close my eyes, fall back and let go. I can’t say it because no one understand. People hear die, and then they go into panic and stop listening. Tell me what I have to live for. Maybe they think I don’t know, like I can’t see my kids, my grandkids, my life and know that it’s all so great, all so worth taking each breath.

Don’t they think I know that? If I didn’t have those, I’d not feel this way because I’d not be here. That’s the difference. I’d fight this bully by taking us both down. We’d fall off the building, and I’d be holding onto his hand and making sure we go together. But I can’t jump. I can’t fall, and I can’t tell anyone, because no one understands.

No one can make it stop.

I feel like a person trapt in the body of someone else. I feel like cutting today. Like taking something sharp and taking it down my arm from the inside of my elbow to the edge of my wrist. Every see Terminator Two? Where Arnie cuts off his skin to show what he is … that’s how it feels. Like I could dig right in and pull something out of me, maybe the bully, maybe the monster inside my head who keeps weighing me down.

I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I could put my hands on either side of my head and scream until I can’t speak, but instead I sit silently. I put on a false smile and tell everyone okay.

I even cracked some jokes today. Isn’t that a great cover story? He’s not sad today, he’s laughing. Look. Everything is just fine.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

I’m so ready for this bully to go home.

The more I try to fight him, the more he tells me what’s the point.

And I pause here, because even this seems useless.. I feel half dead, but I’m still breathing.

19 thoughts on “The Bully in my Brain

  1. I understand your statement. I get how you feel. I hope you find peace and can tell the bully to back off. Only positive thoughts for you!

  2. My daughter told me that I would never understand how she feels. And she’s right, I never will, but I don’t have to understand to love and care. That’s what I’m telling you. I will NEVER understand what you are dealing with. I will NEVER feel what you feel, but I WILL NEVER stop caring about you! We may never physically meet, but you are important to me! You are a dear friend that the universe has brought into my life and someone I cherish. My favorite things in life are things that have a patina. They aren’t perfect and shiny, but they are are beyond priceless to me just like you!

  3. All i can say (and i know it’s no help) is that i love you. I wish i could zap you’re brain & make it stop it’s rampage.

  4. I have no words for how this makes me feel. Not pity I know, but heartbroken for you and the Bully inside you. I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away.
    When my nieces demons creep us on her I feel helpless. So I just sit with her and let her know I’m there, I play with her hair or just hold her. Whatever she needs. She says the same thing no one understands.
    Just know you are loved by many💔

  5. well, you know my thoughts, i’ve size 4 steel toes here for whenever you’re ready to have that chimp kicked to the curb. super duper tight squishy ones xx

  6. It’s exhausting the voice in my head that nags tells me, your not worth anything, that everything you do is wrong, never right, never good enough, why would anyone bother with you, why would anyone want to hear your crap, useless cow.

    Its like carrying an evil simease twin joined in the mind, that you can never get away from and is always poking, questioning everything you do, constantly relentlessly criticising, picking away at everything, sucking what little enjoyment there is out of life. I honestly never thought I would make it this far, achieve what I have. And a lot of the time it feels I am marking time, thinly holding on to this world by a thread. I wonder if it would all be easier just to curl up and go to sleep as it is just too exhausting, the world is a painful place, people are painful, like everything around me is a sharp set of knives jab jabbing. I hobble and wince through most days.

    I don’t know how to improve on it or how you get better, I’ve gone in circles. Things are better for me than say 20 years ago, so maybe the future hold the key, but you have to get there and you can only do that by puting one foot in front of the other and maybe resting along the way, but you have to keep moving and not looking back. Make a conscious decisions, sink or swim, most days I tread water til I can swim again. I know all easier said than done. But realise your not alone, and thats half the battle won. We could always talk but I am not sure how good I would be, or if I would make things worse, I would try if it would help. I’m happy to listen. Good luck my friend and stay strong.

  7. I wish there was a miracle cure. I’ve been through this myself many times in my life, but a lot more rarely now. The only way I keep myself semi sane is to avoid other people as much as i can, and to regularly take the medications my dear doctor prescribed for me. I’m not suggesting you do this. Different things work for different people.
    I send you hugs xxx

  8. I wrote this and put it on my page.. I know it won’t fight those memories inside. Just trust yourself and more importantly.. Love that little boy who’s so deep within your soul. ♥️💛♥️

    Boy to Man….

    Sometimes you might not sense it..
    and maybe just maybe it’s hard to admit.
    But you have a circle of friends that surround you..
    giving apart of themselves ever so true.
    You see, they are there to help hold you together..
    to ground you in your stormy weather.
    Things were done to you that no one should endure..
    let alone a child whose heart is so pure.
    Nothing will ever erase all those horrible memories..
    or take away your childhood cries.
    But knowing there are people who really care..
    there for you when you’re in the mist of a nightmare.
    Just reach out and grab a hand..
    our hearts are with you as you make your stand.
    The circle will tighten and cover you in light..
    like a pack of wolves in the darkest of night.
    The little boy who was once lost and frightened..
    embrace the light and see your heart ignited.
    You stole our hearts, the little boy that dwells within..
    and some great friendships so begin.
    I can only hope you count me as one..
    either way my heart will not be undone.
    From little boy to man you became strong, courageous and adored by so many..
    with your words and kindness you share,
    our smiles in return are plenty.

  9. It’s funny how fearless we are when we’re younger. A year feels like five with time and when we get older, time moves so fast that it feels like we’re drowning. Patience starts to leave and life gets overwhelming . Depression used to feel like drive byes and now it’s moved in and somehow taken up residence. …WHERE did I GO??? My life feels like a MERRY GO ROUND and round and round I go, no one really cares enough, so no one will ever know.. I’m fine too….

  10. I think I understand. You became what you hated or reacted to, perhaps in fear, then let it out on others, or if you when you didn’t, you felt it inside. Got it. You’re full of anger. You can’t stop it. It’s there. I will say this once. Prayer. And don’t put a time limit on how long the answers come. You were created. Someone is watching over you. Healing can take place, I strongly believe.

  11. hello, I’m glad I found this blog. I thought I’m the only one who feels this way. your words express how I’ve been feeling for 10 yrs without being able to voice it. thank you, I feel better. I hope you do too.

  12. As difficult as it may be for some, I think you have to get out there. It’s difficult, but going forward brings possibilities, and I suppose, each road is different from others. Each person’s road is their own private journey, which they can share with friends and others.

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