Did you think I was a toy?
Nothing more, not a boy
Your child
Your son
Did you not see me cry?
Did you ever even try?
To love me
To want me
Did you not notice my tears?
Hidden behind so many fears
Locked inside
Unshed and broken
Did you even care to blink?
Perhaps time to stop and think,
Of what you did
And how it hurt
Did it matter when I said no?
Did you even want to know?
For you
Do not ask if I am okay
I will tell you a lie
Do not look at me too deeply
Let me have these things to hide
Do not ask if I am hurt
I will not show you my scars
Do not ask if I did bleed
Self carved punishment are not your cares.
Do not look into my eyes
They hold nothing for you to see
A smile rests upon my face
It’s for you, a façade
So that you may live
With eyes untainted.
Do not dig with questioning concern
I give you this gif
tFreedom From the wounds I carry
I do this
For you.
Inside when I am breaking.
You do not see the damage you have done.
No tears from my eyes because my crying is silent,
but a smile upon my face.
The illusion of my existence.
Would you cry for me if I were to die?
Would you weep? Would you care?
Perhaps you would relish in the sympathy of others.
Fake tears in your eyes, a real smile upon your face.
The illusion of your existence.
I wish I could show you the pain in my eyes.
The tainted colours of my soul.
The shattered pieces I carry inside.
No glue to bind me.
No love to make me whole once more.
It’s the illusion of my life.
You walk through life a gracious man.
Not wearing the vile seeds you grew.
The deeds that stain your essence.
A proud man for all to love.
That is the illusion of your life.
This is what this is.
This game you play.
An illusion of father and son.
I am nothing more than a mirror for you to gaze and smile at your perfection.
A narcissistic façade.
Created in the illusion of your creation.
Behind my smile you wont see,
So many things I try and hide
The dull ache inside my chest
Heavy
The weary pull of each breath
To inhale, laden with a sorrowed sigh,
Bitterness is absent,
In place a yearning.
The dark emptiness created within,
Painful hunger for something unknown
The tired heart that’s beats
Slowly
Shattering warmth
Scattered pieces cast away
The weight of sadness.
Music Man
The music man does not play my song
Vicious notes that tear inside
I play it myself
Music of my heart
Releasing it
Its sombre sound flows out red
From my arm, my skin
My flesh made violin
In the darkness of my room
No audience to applaud me
No reprieve, no orchestra
The sharpened blade of my bow
The knife I wield
Directed at me, solely
The lonesome musician of shattered pieces.
Made to order
What do you want?
What do you need?
A child, that’s yours,
Some kind of servant
Today I bleed
Because that’s what was ordered
My screams he needs them
Doesn’t matter how
It’s how I should be
Maybe so small
Like a little child unaware
Playing my games
Prey on the floor
To be stalked and taken
It’s just a game to you
It doesn’t matter
You chose
You pay
We get laid out how they want
Candy in the store
The jewel you see
A prize
Yours
Tailored
Money it talks
It buys what you need
Even the innocent
Doesn’t really matter
Evil deeds
Get it wrong
There are ways to train
A fist, a boot, maybe a demonstration
If you’re lucky
This is how you do it
I take down their order
Mix it around
Make it how they want it
Imagination with no bounds
I serve you.
A Boys Journal. Daddy Must Go. Date Unknown. Boy Aged 19
Daddy has to go
Tear filled eyes do not keep hold
They don’t keep me here
Just a pulling inside
A moment
Soon it’s gone
Tiny face not forgotten
But a different calling
Stronger
Guilt ridden memories
Smoothed out with tiny needles
My son, you’re safe
Your tiny hands do not compete
Let go
My father and his scales weigh heavier
My daddy in the dark
I am not your hero
My jaded eyes at the candy store
He has what I need.
Do not look at me like that.
I accept
I accept
The way my voice got silenced
Words stolen and unimportant
I will not speak
I accept
The way it hurts me
Actions, cruel and planned
I will not complain
I accept
The battle is not mine to win
Never will I be victorious
I will not fight
I accept
That hope was always a fantasy
Something carved from the impossible
I will not dream
I accept
That I live in darkness
The shadow under that I was made
I will not seek the light
I accept
That I am nothing
Insignificant to the world
I will not make myself known
I accept
The absence of love
The force that binds us
I will not care
I accept
The tears that I have wept
Silent and alone
I will not cry
I accept
This for me
Tailored with wicked intent
I will not change
I accept all that is me.
You left
And I was done
I cried for you
You didn’t come
I wondered why
I was all alone
Left
Why?
What did I do?
I tried so hard
Didn’t you see?
I did it for you
The badness inside
It controlled me
Is that why you did it?
So sneaky behind my back
So you could laugh
Sit and make your plans
Like a plan of attack
My innocence
It never expected
The designs
No clue
Broken
Disrespected
You did it like I was nothing
What was I supposed to do with that?
Thank you?
Inside my horror
Made its bed.
Sometimes I cant Find The Words
Sometimes I cannot find the words
To tell you what you’ve done
The pain and anger that’s inside
Created by you, mum
Why was I not enough?
So that you’d leave me whole
The one that you gave a life
Then stole it from my soul
It wasn’t me that did it to you
It was my dad that made you cry
The one that beat and forced you
Did you love me? Did you try?
I came from evil deeds that’s true
And was born into your home
I paid for the price for what he did
So many nights I cried alone
You’re the one that chose to sacrifice
But never put me first
Every day you broke my wings
And crushed them until it hurt
You cast a shadow on my life
And took away my dreams
You stole my childhood from me
And broke me at the seems
Was there even just one day
That my smile was enough
To make your life a little better
And maybe not so rough
I loved you every day you know
With all of my heart
Through all the pain you gave me
And every time I cried
I lost the innocence you changed
It died so long ago
You didn’t love me because you had to
Not ever, not even just because
I wonder what it feels like
For my mum to be my friend
To keep me safe and warm and loved
For that love to never end
Its taken time to realise
I’m not sure how to say
All the years you hated me
They made me this way.
I don’t know how to change
To fix what I become
I’m so damaged deep inside
Maybe you’re proud of what you’ve done
I don’t really have the fight right now
Or the strength that no one sees
To long I have spent crying
For all you did to me
Thank you for the gift you give
For everything I do
Maybe when we meet again I’ll find it in my heart
Maybe I will forgive you.
JD Stockholm. 