Did you?

Did you think I was a toy?

Nothing more, not a boy

Your child

Your son

Did you not see me cry?

Did you ever even try?

To love me

To want me

Did you not notice my tears?

Hidden behind so many fears

Locked inside

Unshed and broken

Did you even care to blink?

Perhaps time to stop and think,

Of what you did

And how it hurt

Did it matter when I said no?

Did you even want to know?

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For You

For you

Do not ask if I am okay

I will tell you a lie

Do not look at me too deeply

Let me have these things to hide

Do not ask if I am hurt

I will not show you my scars

Do not ask if I did bleed

Self carved punishment are not your cares.

Do not look into my eyes

They hold nothing for you to see

 

 

A smile rests upon my face

It’s for you, a façade

So that you may live

With eyes untainted.

Do not dig with questioning concern

I give you this gif

tFreedom From the wounds I carry

I do this

For you.

 

Illusion

Inside when I am breaking.

You do not see the damage you have done.

No tears from my eyes because my crying is silent,

but a smile upon my face.

The illusion of my existence.

 

Would you cry for me if I were to die?

Would you weep? Would you care?

Perhaps you would relish in the sympathy of others.

Fake tears in your eyes, a real smile upon your face.

The illusion of your existence.

 

I wish I could show you the pain in my eyes.

The tainted colours of my soul.

The shattered pieces I carry inside.

No glue to bind me.

No love to make me whole once more.

It’s the illusion of my life.

 

You walk through life a gracious man.

Not wearing the vile seeds you grew.

The deeds that stain your essence.

A proud man for all to love.

That is the illusion of your life.

 

This is what this is.

This game you play.

An illusion of father and son.

I am nothing more than a mirror for you to gaze and smile at your perfection.

 

A narcissistic façade.

 

Created in the illusion of your creation.

Inside

Behind my smile you wont see,

So many things I try and hide

The dull ache inside my chest

Heavy

The weary pull of each breath

To inhale, laden with a sorrowed sigh,

Bitterness is absent,

In place a yearning.

The dark emptiness created within,

Painful hunger for something unknown

The tired heart that’s beats

Slowly

Shattering warmth

Scattered pieces cast away

The weight of sadness.

Music Man

Music Man

 

The music man does not play my song

Vicious notes that tear inside

I play it myself

Music of my heart

Releasing it

Its sombre sound flows out red

From my arm, my skin

My flesh made violin

In the darkness of my room

No audience to applaud me

No reprieve, no orchestra

The sharpened blade of my bow

The knife I wield

Directed at me, solely

The lonesome musician of shattered pieces.

Made to order

Made to order

What do you want?

What do you need?

A child, that’s yours,

Some kind of servant

 

Today I bleed

Because that’s what was ordered

My screams he needs them

Doesn’t matter how

It’s how I should be

 

Maybe so small

Like a little child unaware

Playing my games

Prey on the floor

To be stalked and taken

 

It’s just a game to you

It doesn’t matter

You chose

You pay

We get laid out how they want

 

Candy in the store

The jewel you see

A prize

Yours

Tailored

 

Money it talks

It buys what you need

Even the innocent

Doesn’t really matter

Evil deeds

 

Get it wrong

There are ways to train

A fist, a boot, maybe a demonstration

If you’re lucky

This is how you do it

 

I take down their order

Mix it around

Make it how they want it

Imagination with no bounds

I serve you.

A Boys Journal. Daddy Must Go. Date Unknown. Boy Aged 19

A Boys Journal. Daddy Must Go. Date Unknown. Boy Aged 19

 

Daddy has to go

Tear filled eyes do not keep hold

They don’t keep me here

Just a pulling inside

A moment

Soon it’s gone

Tiny face not forgotten

But a different calling

Stronger

Guilt ridden memories

Smoothed out with tiny needles

My son, you’re safe

Your tiny hands do not compete

Let go

My father and his scales weigh heavier

My daddy in the dark

I am not your hero

My jaded eyes at the candy store

He has what I need.

Do not look at me like that.