Did you?

Did you think I was a toy?

Nothing more, not a boy

Your child

Your son

Did you not see me cry?

Did you ever even try?

To love me

To want me

Did you not notice my tears?

Hidden behind so many fears

Locked inside

Unshed and broken

Did you even care to blink?

Perhaps time to stop and think,

Of what you did

And how it hurt

Did it matter when I said no?

Did you even want to know?

For You

For you

Do not ask if I am okay

I will tell you a lie

Do not look at me too deeply

Let me have these things to hide

Do not ask if I am hurt

I will not show you my scars

Do not ask if I did bleed

Self carved punishment are not your cares.

Do not look into my eyes

They hold nothing for you to see



A smile rests upon my face

It’s for you, a façade

So that you may live

With eyes untainted.

Do not dig with questioning concern

I give you this gif

tFreedom From the wounds I carry

I do this

For you.



Inside when I am breaking.

You do not see the damage you have done.

No tears from my eyes because my crying is silent,

but a smile upon my face.

The illusion of my existence.


Would you cry for me if I were to die?

Would you weep? Would you care?

Perhaps you would relish in the sympathy of others.

Fake tears in your eyes, a real smile upon your face.

The illusion of your existence.


I wish I could show you the pain in my eyes.

The tainted colours of my soul.

The shattered pieces I carry inside.

No glue to bind me.

No love to make me whole once more.

It’s the illusion of my life.


You walk through life a gracious man.

Not wearing the vile seeds you grew.

The deeds that stain your essence.

A proud man for all to love.

That is the illusion of your life.


This is what this is.

This game you play.

An illusion of father and son.

I am nothing more than a mirror for you to gaze and smile at your perfection.


A narcissistic façade.


Created in the illusion of your creation.


Behind my smile you wont see,

So many things I try and hide

The dull ache inside my chest


The weary pull of each breath

To inhale, laden with a sorrowed sigh,

Bitterness is absent,

In place a yearning.

The dark emptiness created within,

Painful hunger for something unknown

The tired heart that’s beats


Shattering warmth

Scattered pieces cast away

The weight of sadness.

Music Man

Music Man


The music man does not play my song

Vicious notes that tear inside

I play it myself

Music of my heart

Releasing it

Its sombre sound flows out red

From my arm, my skin

My flesh made violin

In the darkness of my room

No audience to applaud me

No reprieve, no orchestra

The sharpened blade of my bow

The knife I wield

Directed at me, solely

The lonesome musician of shattered pieces.

Made to order

Made to order

What do you want?

What do you need?

A child, that’s yours,

Some kind of servant


Today I bleed

Because that’s what was ordered

My screams he needs them

Doesn’t matter how

It’s how I should be


Maybe so small

Like a little child unaware

Playing my games

Prey on the floor

To be stalked and taken


It’s just a game to you

It doesn’t matter

You chose

You pay

We get laid out how they want


Candy in the store

The jewel you see

A prize




Money it talks

It buys what you need

Even the innocent

Doesn’t really matter

Evil deeds


Get it wrong

There are ways to train

A fist, a boot, maybe a demonstration

If you’re lucky

This is how you do it


I take down their order

Mix it around

Make it how they want it

Imagination with no bounds

I serve you.

A Boys Journal. Daddy Must Go. Date Unknown. Boy Aged 19

A Boys Journal. Daddy Must Go. Date Unknown. Boy Aged 19


Daddy has to go

Tear filled eyes do not keep hold

They don’t keep me here

Just a pulling inside

A moment

Soon it’s gone

Tiny face not forgotten

But a different calling


Guilt ridden memories

Smoothed out with tiny needles

My son, you’re safe

Your tiny hands do not compete

Let go

My father and his scales weigh heavier

My daddy in the dark

I am not your hero

My jaded eyes at the candy store

He has what I need.

Do not look at me like that.

I accept

I accept


I accept

The way my voice got silenced

Words stolen and unimportant

I will not speak


I accept

The way it hurts me

Actions, cruel and planned

I will not complain


I accept

The battle is not mine to win

Never will I be victorious

I will not fight


I accept

That hope was always a fantasy

Something carved from the impossible

I will not dream


I accept

That I live in darkness

The shadow under that I was made

I will not seek the light


I accept

That I am nothing

Insignificant to the world

I will not make myself known


I accept

The absence of love

The force that binds us

I will not care


I accept

The tears that I have wept

Silent and alone

I will not cry


I accept

This for me

Tailored with wicked intent

I will not change


I accept all that is me.

You left

You left

And I was done

I cried for you

You didn’t come

I wondered why

I was all alone



What did I do?



I tried so hard

Didn’t you see?

I did it for you

The badness inside

It controlled me


Is that why you did it?

So sneaky behind my back

So you could laugh

Sit and make your plans

Like a plan of attack


My innocence

It never expected

The designs

No clue




You did it like I was nothing

What was I supposed to do with that?

Thank you?

Inside my horror

Made its bed.

Sometimes I cant Find The Words

Sometimes I cant Find The Words


Sometimes I cannot find the words

To tell you what you’ve done

The pain and anger that’s inside

Created by you, mum

Why was I not enough?

So that you’d leave me whole

The one that you gave a life

Then stole it from my soul

It wasn’t me that did it to you

It was my dad that made you cry

The one that beat and forced you

Did you love me? Did you try?

I came from evil deeds that’s true

And was born into your home

I paid for the price for what he did

So many nights I cried alone

You’re the one that chose to sacrifice

But never put me first

Every day you broke my wings

And crushed them until it hurt

You cast a shadow on my life

And took away my dreams

You stole my childhood from me

And broke me at the seems

Was there even just one day

That my smile was enough

To make your life a little better

And maybe not so rough

I loved you every day you know

With all of my heart

Through all the pain you gave me

And every time I cried

I lost the innocence you changed

It died so long ago

You didn’t love me because you had to

Not ever, not even just because

I wonder what it feels like

For my mum to be my friend

To keep me safe and warm and loved

For that love to never end

Its taken time to realise

I’m not sure how to say

All the years you hated me

They made me this way.

I don’t know how to change

To fix what I become

I’m so damaged deep inside

Maybe you’re proud of what you’ve done

I don’t really have the fight right now

Or the strength that no one sees

To long I have spent crying

For all you did to me

Thank you for the gift you give

For everything I do

Maybe when we meet again I’ll find it in my heart

Maybe I will forgive you.