I Am Toxic
I am bad. I am triggered.
My skin crawls with the need to carve into it, to cut. I have such a need, an urge to take away the bad parts and throw them away. I need to cut and hurt. I need to make it all better, to fix it.
I stare in the mirror and all I see is blame, failure, a monster.
I cut the thing in the mirror until the tears flow and he’s gasping for breath, but it is not enough. He deserves to cry, to suffer, to feel the pain.
I’m triggered.
I’m fighting my mind with my mind and losing the battle. I don’t know how to cope. I want to leave … I want to leave so badly that it scares me.
I press into the cuts already marring my skin, and it’s never enough. The pain is never enough.
I see why my mother hated me. I understand it now.
My mother used to make some ‘medicine’ when I was a child. She’d force it down my throat. I don’t know what it was. A concoction of things that always made me sick.
There was is evil in me. She needed to get it out, to rid my body of the badness inside. That’s why they did what they did. That’s why my father took my innocence, because there was never an innocence to take.
I was bad.
I AM bad.
Her medicine used to make me sick. So sick that some days I could hardly move. I can still feel the tightness in my chest, the heaving when it all tried to come out. I can feel the sting of her hand on my face when I made a mess. When vomit splashed. I can feel the helplessness, the loneliness. The looking for a mother I didn’t’ have to try to make me feel better.
I told my therapist these things and she almost …. Almost convinced me that I wasn’t bad. That it wasn’t there. But I can feel it again. It’s under my skin, and I can’t reach it.
My mother used to refuse to feed me. She said I didn’t deserve it. You don’t get to eat when you’re bad.
Someone told me I was toxic for their well-being. It undid me. It loosened the lies my therapist tried to convince me of. She tells me I am good, that I’ve a loving person, that I care …
She doesn’t know me. Not inside. She doesn’t see what others see.
My mother always said I was evil. She said that one day I’d find her dead and it’d be my fault.
It is my fault.
I made her unhappy. I make everyone unhappy in the end.
Toxic.
I’ve written it in my skin a dozen times now and it burns, yet I can’t get it out. I can’t get rid of the piece of me that is wrong. I try like my mother did. Not the medicine, but I starve it. Maybe I can rid it that way. Two days and I have cut and I have starved and it isn’t working, and I feel lost. I don’t know how to make it stop, to make me stop.
There is a battle in my head, and I don’t know how to fight it. I’ve tried so hard to be good, to not hurt people, to not cause them any pain, but I fail.
The person is right.
I’m toxic like they said. Bad like my mother said. Worthless like my father said.
My body will starve and bleed and cry until every last drop of it is gone.
JD Stockholm. 
I don’t know if things I’m about to say, will do any good. To some, they may seem harsh. But I have to try.
Just know I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. 😞
I’m sure I cannot begin to imagine the sadness and despair you are feeling…
—————-
You need to stop this.
Now.
I’ve lost count how many times we’ve been over this throughout the years. Yes, YEARS.
Lately, (in the past few years ) I’ve usually stayed quiet, but this time you’re scaring me more than others.
And that is saying a lot.
And so now, here goes –
Again.
Your mother and father were sick. The word sick doesn’t even begin to describe what was done to you. It is beyond what a normal person can even comprehend
They instilled their depravities into you. Into an innocent, impressionable, beautiful child.
They flat out brainwashed you.
You know that.
Where is that PhD carrying, brilliant man who, if it were anyone else describing this to him, would tell them the proper way to handle it???
I don’t know which one of your “friends” told you that you were toxic for them, but knowing your mental state, that’s possibly one of the cruelest things that anyone could say, no matter how much they are hurting.
To me, there is no excuse for it.
I don’t care who they are.
And actually, I believe we’re all
(or have been at one point in our lives) toxic to someone. Perhaps we don’t even realize it. My point is, it’s not a reason to destroy yourself.
How is it going to help things? Seriously.
Your poor body. How it must be screaming each time you injure it.
Yes, I’m now lecturing you. Again, perhaps some may think I am even being too harsh. I don’t think so. You know it’s coming from a place of love.
In the past, I’ve tried to stay neutral and understand how you feel. Even supported some of the things you’ve done to survive. I’ve told you that you have taught me a different way to see life.
But this… (yes I know you don’t want to hear any of this, but here it comes anyway)…THIS has to stop.
Now.
You need to call your therapist. I don’t care what time it is. You need to tell the one closest to you – what is going on in your head. You owe them that much.
You’re too valuable. Too kind. Too intelligent. Too respected… etc…
Too loved.
And yes, you are worth it.
I could go on and on, but I know it’s probably falling upon deaf ears.
I also can just about bet that whoever reads this, and truly knows you, will be thinking pretty close to the same things I’m saying here.
There are others who will read what you have written, and tell you how much they love you, how much they care, how badly they feel for you, and how they want to help.
All of which I too have done… and still feel that way.
But… I also remember how you didn’t like me saying that to you, because you thought you didn’t deserve it. How you didn’t want sympathy.
You said therapy had helped you. Even though you were on the edge of the cliff – it had begun to help you.
Please remember that.
Grab onto it and don’t let go.
I hope eventually you will feel differently about yourself. About how others feel about you.
Accept the good in yourself and let it override what you think is bad.
We all wear masks, Baby.
None of us is perfect.
No one expects you to be perfect.
I say, again, you are truly loved. More than you could ever imagine.
*Wraps my arms around you, (whether you like it or not) holds you close and whispers in your ear, “Stay.” *
I love you.
NMW ღ
I’m not sure you got my first reply on this as my phone is wacky once again. And so I will try to repeat what I said the first time I replied. My world, this world would not be the same if you were to leave. Even though we don’t speak very often, it’s always nice to know, that you’re just a click away if needed on the bad days. Lately, there have been a lot of them.
Like you, I don’t like to bother anyone- especially you. But it’s some sort of comfort to know that you’re always there. I hope that never changes.
I wish you would come find me when you need someone. When you feel you can talk to no one else. You know you can tell me anything. That will never change. You don’t burden me. You’re the most beautiful person I know. It literally hurts my heart to see you in such pain.
You don’t make everyone unhappy. You are not evil. You are not worthless. You are not toxic.
You are beautiful in every way. No one will ever tell me differently.
I wish you could see it. Feel it. Know it.
I miss my friend…
Sorry for the mushiness. I know you don’t wanna hear it and it probably sounds stupid coming from me, but I love you big goof. Always will. NMW
I don’t know if the things I’m about to say, will do any good. To some, they may seem harsh. But I have to try.
Just know I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. 😞
I’m sure I cannot begin to imagine the sadness and despair you are feeling…
—————-
You need to stop this.
Now.
I’ve lost count how many times we’ve been over this throughout the years. Yes, YEARS.
Lately, (in the past few years ) I’ve usually stayed quiet, sometimes speaking privately with you. But this time you’re scaring me more than others.
And that is saying a lot.
And so now, here goes –
Again. 
Your mother and father were sick. The word sick doesn’t even begin to describe what was done to you. It is beyond what a normal person can even comprehend -

(and don’t say you’re not normal. I won’t have it. If you were as evil as they say you were, none of this would affect you the way it does.) Read that again.
They instilled their depravities into you. Into an innocent, impressionable, beautiful child.
They flat out brainwashed you. Because it was fun to them. 
You know that.
Where is that PhD carrying, brilliant man who, if it were anyone else describing this to him, would tell them the proper way to handle it???
I don’t know which one of your “friends” told you that you were toxic for them, but knowing your mental state, that’s possibly one of the cruelest things that anyone could say, no matter how much they are hurting.
To me, there is no excuse for it.
I don’t care who they are.
And actually, I believe we’re all
(or have been at one point in our lives) toxic to someone. Perhaps we don’t even realize it. My point is, it’s not a reason to destroy yourself.
How is it going to help things? Seriously.
Your poor body. How it must be screaming each time you injure it.
Yes, I’m now lecturing you. Again, perhaps some may think I am even being too harsh. I don’t think so. You know it’s coming from a place of love.
In the past, I’ve tried to stay neutral and understand how you feel. Even supported some of the things you’ve done to survive. I’ve told you that you have taught me a different way to see life.
But this… (yes I know you don’t want to hear any of this, but here it comes anyway)…THIS has to stop.
Now.
You need to call your therapist. I don’t care what time it is. You need to tell the one closest to you – what is going on in your head. You owe them that much.
You’re too valuable. Too kind. Too intelligent. Too respected… etc…
Too LOVED.
And yes, you are worth it.
I could go on and on, but I know it’s probably falling upon deaf ears.
I also can just about bet that whoever reads this, and truly knows you, will be thinking pretty close to the same things I’m saying here.
There are others who will read what you have written, and tell you how much they love you, how much they care, how badly they feel for you, and how they want to help.
All of which I too have done… and still feel that way.
But… I also remember how you didn’t like me saying that to you, because you thought you didn’t deserve it. How you didn’t want sympathy.
You said therapy had helped you. Even though you were on the edge of the cliff – it had begun to help you.
Please remember that.
Grab onto it and don’t let go.
I hope eventually you will feel differently about yourself. About how others feel about you.
Accept the good in yourself and let it override what you THINK is bad.
We all wear masks, Baby.
None of us is perfect.
No one expects you to be perfect.
Thank you for teaching me some the harsh realities of life.
Thank you for being honest with us about how you feel.
I say, again, you are truly loved. More than you could ever imagine.
*Wraps my arms around you, (whether you like it or not) holds you close and whispers in your ear, “Stay.” *
I love you.
NMW ღ
(remember, I’m always just a quick away)
Sent from my iPhone