I See

I see

I see your smile
One that hides so many secrets
Yet it’s real
Your innocence

I see your eyes
Eyes that have seen a hundred things
They shine so blue
There’s no sadness in them

I see your face
Just a child
Pure and
Without ruin

But then
Dark shadows loom overhead
Cover you
Embrace you into their vicious arms

Their darkness seeps into your skin
The innocence was fake
Never were your eyes so pure
You were already bad.

A devious smile that can act so sweet
Lying eyes shine with intent
The pure face of insincerity
A child, I was.
A lie.

Illusion

Inside when I am breaking.

You do not see the damage you have done.

No tears from my eyes because my crying is silent,

but a smile upon my face.

The illusion of my existence.

 

Would you cry for me if I were to die?

Would you weep? Would you care?

Perhaps you would relish in the sympathy of others.

Fake tears in your eyes, a real smile upon your face.

The illusion of your existence.

 

I wish I could show you the pain in my eyes.

The tainted colours of my soul.

The shattered pieces I carry inside.

No glue to bind me.

No love to make me whole once more.

It’s the illusion of my life.

 

You walk through life a gracious man.

Not wearing the vile seeds you grew.

The deeds that stain your essence.

A proud man for all to love.

That is the illusion of your life.

 

This is what this is.

This game you play.

An illusion of father and son.

I am nothing more than a mirror for you to gaze and smile at your perfection.

 

A narcissistic façade.

 

Created in the illusion of your creation.

Sometimes I cant Find The Words

Sometimes I cant Find The Words

 

Sometimes I cannot find the words

To tell you what you’ve done

The pain and anger that’s inside

Created by you, mum

Why was I not enough?

So that you’d leave me whole

The one that you gave a life

Then stole it from my soul

It wasn’t me that did it to you

It was my dad that made you cry

The one that beat and forced you

Did you love me? Did you try?

I came from evil deeds that’s true

And was born into your home

I paid for the price for what he did

So many nights I cried alone

You’re the one that chose to sacrifice

But never put me first

Every day you broke my wings

And crushed them until it hurt

You cast a shadow on my life

And took away my dreams

You stole my childhood from me

And broke me at the seems

Was there even just one day

That my smile was enough

To make your life a little better

And maybe not so rough

I loved you every day you know

With all of my heart

Through all the pain you gave me

And every time I cried

I lost the innocence you changed

It died so long ago

You didn’t love me because you had to

Not ever, not even just because

I wonder what it feels like

For my mum to be my friend

To keep me safe and warm and loved

For that love to never end

Its taken time to realise

I’m not sure how to say

All the years you hated me

They made me this way.

I don’t know how to change

To fix what I become

I’m so damaged deep inside

Maybe you’re proud of what you’ve done

I don’t really have the fight right now

Or the strength that no one sees

To long I have spent crying

For all you did to me

Thank you for the gift you give

For everything I do

Maybe when we meet again I’ll find it in my heart

Maybe I will forgive you.

A Boys Journal. Entry Five. Date and Title Unknown.

A Boys Journal. Entry Five. Date and Title Unknown.

 

Why can’t you love me?

Why can’t you care?

I stand here always

Waiting for you

It not fair

I cut myself

I burn and I bleed

I do this for you

It must be me

It’s just what I need.

I’m waiting

I’m hurting

Cut open

And done

I’m nothing

I’m no one

Can’t you see?

What I’ve done

I want it to be over

To cut away my pain

Was it my fault?

Am I that bad?

Am I to blame?

I need to feel it

Deep inside

The things I did

Shame

Not easy to hide

I dream of the pain

It doesn’t feel wrong

The release that it gives

The freedom

I don’t belong.

It never works

It’s all a façade

Look as I bleed

The scars that I bare

The cuts that I made.

I won’t do it again

It’s more shame that I carry

Sat alone with my pain

Slicing my skin

Just one more time.

I asked you to stop.

I asked you to stop.

 

How could you

How could you

I asked you to stop

But like always you didn’t

Just a moment you said

I pushed with my hand

Because you hurt me so much

One minute is all you said

Because you didn’t care

I hate you so much

I cried and I pleaded but you didn’t cease

I’m so f****** angry

That I can’t get it out

It’s your fault that I’m like this

You did this to me

I hate you

I hate you

My brother was watching

You tarnished him too

He held my hand when I cried that night

Not you or my mother

No, you laughed and you joked

And none of you cared

I hope that you’re happy

I can’t even love you

Today

The memories of today never get forgotten
The Ache inside that sleeps
Like a reminder of this day
What was gone
What got taken
The saviour of a different kind
Freedom burdened with guilt
Do I stand and say I’m free?
Or do I mourn that only I got to tomorrow
Without you
The echo in my mind hears
It listens to the deafening silence
Tears never allowed to fall
Held back by the hands of blame
Remorse chokes me
For what I would give to change this day
Maybe you wouldn’t have gone away
Maybe I’d have one last moment
To talk to you
To see your smile
To feel the love never given
Maybe I was a fool
But you were still my mother
And you aren’t here

I want to hold your hand.

Sometimes I want to hold your hand;

I’ve lost a thousand tears for you

I close my eyes and make a wish, but I know it won’t come true

To hold you in my arms one time wouldn’t ease my pain

You were born sleeping, and that’s how you remain

I often lie awake and think of you

My little angel fast asleep

I wish my wishes would come true

And help to steal my pain

I will spend my life remembering you

I love you, I always will