I want to be normal.

I want to live.
I want to be free.
I want to get out of this prison I got locked into so long ago, by people that get to be free.

They are free physically.
They are free mentally.
They have choices and a life because they took mine.

I want to be normal.

I say it many of times. To no one. Just me. In my head, to the darkness. In those moments when I’m as far from normal as I can be. When I’m lost. When I’m hurt. When it all crashes so bad I want to hide.

What is normal? People ask. People that don’t understand. People that don’t see the world the way I do.

I got taken and placed outside of life. I see the world different. I wish people could see the world through my eyes. It’s tainted and darker. Things that people take for granted seem bigger.

A mother

A father.

Normality.

I’m looking out through the shell of the man I was supposed to be. My breaths are slow and I am watching. Watching everyone live a normal everyday life and wishing I could be like them.

The pain is like a silent ringing in my ears. Nothing I can hear. It’s pressure. Like lying in a bath full of water until the pressure makes me hear my heart beat. I lay there until I can’t take it anymore. And just like someone would sit up and take their head out of the water, I take something sharp to my skin and I cut.

It goes quiet. I can breathe. No longer does my heartbeat pound in my ears until I’m begging it to stop.

My count slipped. It has been 36 hours since I last self harmed.

Why did I give in?

Because I dreamt of a man I don’t remember so well. He and my mother holding me down. I dreamt of tape across my mouth and my arms bound. Like many memories, that’s all I have.

They bound me and made me silent.

The bad man. I want to take my life back from him and make it normal like it started.

I want to get to the evening and not be faced with my PTSD. I want to go upstairs and not feel the fears of a five year old. I want to lie in bed and close my eyes and not be afraid that tonight someone from long ago will come back.

I want to sleep.

I want to be normal.