Telling Teddy

Coming Soon

It’s been a few days since I last self-harmed.

That’s not bad for me right now. It had been an almost daily thing that I couldn’t fight and I found that I wasn’t writing. Not really.

I got myself into a schedule and set about the re-writes for Dear Teddy 2. Once I got into it, the self-harm stopped. So far.  In a way, maybe writing helps me dig out what I am trying to reach with knives.

I still don’t have a voice except when I am writing. Perhaps that is the only voice I have right now. It seems an effort to talk. Of course, I have managed to talk to people but I have had to make myself. In these last few days, it has been harder. Today, aside from one person, I have not talked at all.

I put that down partly to a bad night; partly to myself. Perhaps, finishing my book has made me silent today. I have no words. Fifty-two thousand words; two drafts. It has been through edits and proof reading and now to be beta read.

Dear Teddy 2 is done;  to be called Telling Teddy.

I feel the loss of not writing it. That is normal from any writing, I know, but the empty hole I try to fill feels bigger today.

Writing Tell Teddy has certainly been an interesting journey. I think, in ways, I am somewhat numb to it. Aside front the odd chapter the last one, on its own, took more to write than the entire book.

A friend of mine reads it as I go along. Her reactions to what she has read differ. Sometimes, I wonder why she can’t see things my way or why things she read are so black and white. It is because I forget she is looking in through the eyes of a boy. She is not the boy.

She read a chapter a few days ago; one where an official questioned me and then clearly walked away. She said that I got failed a lot and she was sorry for that. I think maybe this is a part that gets misunderstood.

I am glad that I got failed. I’m not sorry they did. To those reading, I could have been saved from a pair of monsters. To me, I would have been taken from my mum and dad; the only family I had.

And while I wished they didn’t do the things they did, they were ‘my’ mum and dad.

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4 thoughts on “Telling Teddy

  1. I am so glad you’re choosing to keep moving forward and tell your story, no matter how bad the pain. It’s just another way of showing how strong you are, and continue to be. If the only voice you have, is through your writing right now, then so be it. I think that kind of voice,(the written one) is the most powerful of all. And as I have always said to you, when it is time,it will come.

    Strength in the struggle. Always.~

  2. I can relate to this, but it is very hard for a person that has never been there to understand how you feel. My Mother failed me most of my young life. and all the kids had a heart to heart talk with her. Every time she would get so upset. So needless to say I never did. But when she passed I could not hug her and tell her I loved her because we never did it much in day to day life. But right now I am paying for it I guess it hurts. That is just me, she knows I loved her most I was the only kids that was old enough to remember it all.

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