Some days, I wish I could confront my father.
Not with the past; even as much as I want to beat him with the question of why until he is down on the floor, and because I want him to be sorry for what he’s done.
What I wish is that I could take hold of him and not say look what you did to me as a child, but rather, look what you’ve done to me in my life now. Today; when everyday is a constant battle. I wish I could give him a day of it.
Most days, I think I have gone somewhere in my mind. Apart from writing, my voice is still missing. I still cannot bear to look in a mirror any more than I have to. I hate the face that stares back at me. It is not mine. I wish I could cut it away.
My father was very nice to me this weekend. He had to have his cat put down. She was actually mine and he came to my house to drop her things off. He was concerned I was okay with her passing.
She had not been my cat for years, but this side of my father is the hard one to deal with. He’s nice and caring and I’m walking over a pit on a broken plank waiting for it to give way.
I have to remind myself of the reason he had my cat. I had to leave everything behind to enable myself to recover from drug abuse, and the reason I was doing that was the because of the life he had given me.
He has thrown me into turmoil once more.
The first twenty years of my life my Mother was too busy for me. When I became old enough to take care of myself she comes back and tries to make up for the years of neglect. It is not the same no matter how good the years were. Still out of 5 kids only two were given the time she had to offer.How do you choose? One of my brothers did not come to her funeral, this has upset the other brother. I try to tell him he only saw her very few times in his life, she is a stranger to him. He was one not chosen. I understand how he feels. You will never have anything but hate between you and your father until you confront him. You will have to know before you do, it will end any and all contact.Or he will man up and take responsibility for his actions, then you may be able to enjoy some of the time you have left. I believe he is carrying guilt that he can hardly lift. Which makes him mean, you are not doing him fairly letting him get away with it. BUT…..if he was to do something STUPID…it would not be your fault. He would not be able to handle the torment he caused. Think about it, your friends will be here to help at least by listening.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much… again, and still.
I’m sorry for what he’s done to you, to make you feel like you do.
I’m sorry for your loss; the loss of your cat and the loss of you.
He has consumed you, in every way. It isn’t your fault. Though, I know you will always have that little voice inside, telling you that it is. Actually, it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is, does it? What matters, is you. How you feel about yourself, and what that entails.
I understand completely, your feelings of wanting him to know the results of the abuse he inflicted upon you. How could you not? And how frustrating it must be, to have so much anger and pain all bottled up inside, and not be able to have the one who caused it, feel at least a little guilty over it. Maybe not so much the guilt, as much as to even admit to any of it. Let alone apologize for a single action, (mental or physical) a cruel word, or a scoffing laugh.
But admirably, instead, for the most part, you remain quiet. As maddening as that may be, perhaps it is best… for now. Because we both know what happens when you aren’t so “voiceless,” especially when dealing with someone as arrogant, domineering, and “forgetful” as he.
In a way, you have had the best revenge. Against the odds, you have righted yourself in order to “fit in” with society. You have been a stellar role model for more than just your children. You are a kind, intelligent, compassionate, honest man, who is overflowing with integrity. And you are liked and loved for all of that, and so much more.
Even though you may resemble him physically, and some may praise you, or fawn all over you because of your looks, none of that matters. Because you James, are truly beautiful where it counts…on the inside… and that is something he will never have.
I know I say it too much to you, but I think it warrants saying again, now. Look how far you’ve come. Despite everything. Just look.
And so, the next time you must use the mirror, look into your eyes, not his… and find just one thing that is right and good about you. Hang onto that, and when those demons rear their ugly heads, and they will; use that one thing to continue to take a look around at all you’ve accomplished in your life. At how many people you’ve helped. At all the good things that have happened, and all the ones waiting to come. Let all of that guide you into better days, and perhaps, tiny piece by tiny piece, some of the damage of the past may begin to fall away.
You won’t know until you try… and try again.
~ Hugs ~
It actually does matter whose fault it is. And this is the only part of the previous comment that I want to address.
It most certainly does matter.
A child will blame himself for his own abuse. This child in particular, blames himself. His self loathing is tangible. His hatred for his own reflection is because of it. Look beyond your own feelings and understanding and see the child who still lives and feels within this man.
An abuser who takes the blame, the guilt and the responsibility helps to relieve that pain of self hatred. It exonerates the child. It frees him of the guilt that has been put upon him for a lifetime.
Responsibility matters to the well being of the child within.
When you absolutely cannot take it one more day, write him a letter at least. Although I was not sexually abused, my father mentally tortured me most of my life. They said it was bipolar disorder, but honestly, how some of them can single out somebody for their constant abuse (especially a young child) means they know they cannot take on somebody their own size. But don’t be surprised if he denies it even to himself.
I agree, as hard as it will be, I say confront him. Do it in letter first if you must. I think channeling the anger in that direction, where it belongs, where it will actually do some good, is your biggest hope for gaining real relief. And maybe after that first step, it will become easier to voice it vocally. Find a friend that will do it with you every step of the way. I know you have some you can count on.