Out of my Mind.

Guilt

I guess the blog flash thing didn’t really work for me. I was doing it, I was enjoying it and I hoped that in many ways it would help me use my voice, even if it was just fifty words of random nonsense. But then it went; I guess most of the reason is because of falling out with my father. It seemed to stop me in many things, and I was already struggling to talk, I think it just made it a whole lot harder because I feel guilty about it. I’m writing this and I can feel my mind telling me to be quiet, no one wants to hear, not even myself. But I set a time limit, to just write and see what comes out and that’s what I’m going to do before I start my day.

I woke this morning to many notifications on Facebook, from a group of people that had seen my book trailer, made by a dear friend and fellow author, Azure Boone, and their reactions to it. Their responses were so heartfelt and made me feel the same way I do when I read reviews, that I can never find a way to really thank people, but on the other side of that, I feel like a fraud. Like a liar. All these people giving me caring and understanding. They say they want to save the child, hold his hand, look after him.

I want to ask them why? What do they see that I don’t? Why don’t they see how bad he is? Why don’t they see that it’s all his fault? I want to smack my hands over his mouth and tell him to shut the hell up about stuff that no one should care about. He’s nothing.

I joined a writing/author group of wonderful people a few weeks back, they are all so friendly, and I love each one of them. They make me laugh many times with just the randomness of the conversation, but it has crossed my mind to leave the group. I know it’s just Facebook, and like them I am just another person hidden behind a screen and the internet, but I feel how genuine they are. I feel their laughter and smiles, I hear their words. I know the warmth that is there and it scares me to be part of it.

How long before they look at me and realise I am not like them? How long before they see the real me and cast me out? I don’t deserve to be in there with those wonderful people. They have such a freak hanging out with them and they don’t realise it.

I’m a man who was once a child that brought out the bad things in his parents; I’m the same man that’s just told his terminally ill father to get out of his life. How do I live with that? I’m trapped between the guilt of a child and the guilt of an adult.

This is random I’m sure, my mind flits over many thoughts. Thank you for reading.

Blog Flash Day Nine – Journey.

Blog Flash Day Nine – Journey.

Today is a weary part of my journey, I feel it dragging, but I’m trying to keep walking forwards. I feel my decision weighing heavy inside, more like a sigh than regret. I’m trying to heal and trying to get better, my hands are healing at least, that shows maybe today, though it feels bad inside, it’s not so built up. My hands got so bad that I had to treat them. Every time I moved, even just to drive, they bled.

Blog Flash Catch Up.

Blog Flash Day Four – Busy.

Kind of an ironic title for this blog flash, busy, I certainly have been and why now I need to catch up on days of this, mostly it is because I haven’t felt so great, a falling out with my father.  I will try and catch up all in one blog post, maybe that is a little cheating, certainly means I can have more words, but I’ll try and string it all together in one hit.

 

Blog Flash Day Five – Frustration.

That is where my father has left me, frustrated. I don’t know if I can carry through with the walking away, it feels hard, inside my heart feels heavy, he doesn’t even know the turmoil I feel right now and he created it. Do I stay or do I go? Will he even care? I’m sure he’ll think he does if I was to say to him, stay away from me, but can I really bring myself to say these words?

Blog Flash Day Six – Reading.

I love to read, there was a time I could devour anything up to five books a week, sometimes more. I would walk around with my book, reading it, I’m lucky I didn’t fall down any holes or get run over. I am addicted to the written word. They take me places like nothing else. My reading time has been taken up by writing time, but I don’t mind. I just hope my words can mean as much to someone, as others have done to me.

Blog Flash Day Seven – Sunset.

Sunset, it’s one of those things; I think people love, no matter who they are. Sunrise is my favourite personally, but I love the sunset when it has been a hot day, which of course, the fact that I live in England is rare. When I was a child I used to love to sit and watch the sea and the sun go down. It was one of those times in the day that was a perfect creation by nature.

 

Blog Flash Day Eight – Relaxing.

This one is very much the opposite of my day, there was nothing relaxing, though I did have a good laugh with some friends on Facebook, but I got to sit and get time to do every little. Of course I couldn’t even relax to sleep. Twenty minutes and I woke from a nightmare I don’t remember. Some days feel harder than others, this was one of them.

The End Perhaps.

Maybe now it is time for the end.Image

Maybe now I have to say, it’s done.

Too many times I have tried. I have waited but it’s always the same. I get crushed.

I realise I am waiting for something that won’t come. It would be far easier to touch the stars than it would to reach out to you and for you to understand what it is you have done.

I have never harmed you; I have never hit you or beat you. I have done everything you ever wanted me to do and always you deny me the one thing I wanted. A family and a father that would love and not hate me.

But you don’t. You beat me down every chance you get. You call me names and let me know my place in your family.

I ask you why? Why am I still here? Why did you keep me? What was the point? You deny it and tell me I’m imagining things; that if you didn’t want me, I would have been put up for adoption. I wonder what it is that you thought you gave me in life.

I’m done now. It’s over. I hurt too bad. It breaks my heart to walk away, but what else can I do? There isn’t anything like I hoped. You are cold and there is nothing. I will always be an enemy in your eyes. I realise this.

I could call you names and give you my anger, but what would be the point? You wouldn’t listen. You would turn it back on me and tell me how it was my fault.

I feel sorry for you. Your life is sad and you miss out on so much because of your hatred. Your grandchildren, your family, and children that would love you and be there when you needed. But that isn’t enough for you. I’m sorry your life is so poor that you have to bring me down.

You may look at me walking away as nothing. You may call me names, swear at me, even try and hit me for it. I have no doubt all you will feel is anger. But I can’t stay. Not with you. I can’t be here.

I feel so bad to walk away. It hurts so much. But it hurts more to stay with hope, and listen to you. I can’t do it any more, I’m sorry.

I feel guilty to leave you alone when you don’t have anyone. I wish you could see why it is that you are alone, but you are too blind to notice that you got rid of everyone.

Maybe I’ll be back, I don’t know.

Maybe I’ll pick up the phone the next time you call. Maybe you won’t even care that I’m not here any more.

But, I have to do this for me. I hope I have the strength. I hope I can stand alone and do what is right for me. I hope I will be better than you. I hope one day you’ll be able to live your life without all this hatred.

I am your flesh and blood. Your son. You tore me apart once more. I am broken.

I’m sorry you’re my father.

Goodbye.

Blog Flash Day 3 – Colour

When I was little I used to think that when I was big and all grown up maybe I’d be able to touch the sky, maybe I could touch the colours of a rainbow and they’d feel funny, blue would be cold and red would be hot, yellow would be like touching the warmth of sunshine and green would tickle like soft blades of grass. When I was small I touched colour with my mind.

Blog Flash Day 2 – Furry Friends

Fluffy friends, seems I’ve had a few of those in the past, but even the very essence of my books could be called a fluffy friend. Ted was fluffy once, his fur hugged away over many years, he guarded me, saved me, listened to me and while he was never anything more than my battered teddy bear, he was my fluffy friend.

Blog Flash 2012. Day One.

#BlogFlash2012: 30 Days, 30 Prompts, 30 PostsI’m always up for a good challenge when it comes to writing. I thrive on them and so does my words. 30 posts, 30 days 30 prompts. I can do this.

#BlogFlash2012

Day 1 – Thinking.

So today I am thinking, Telling Teddy has just been released a few days ago, it’s doing okay. Dear Teddy is doing great also. It’s Camp Nano.  I don’t miss
NanoWriMo challenges,  I think I am a challenge junkie, it’s what keeps me going and keeps me sane, it did as a child. Perhaps it is because I have a goal, something to focus my very active mind on other than the stuff that weighs me down and makes me want to drown. Do I re-write The Adventures of Stupid Boy (Dear Teddy three) for Camp Nano?

Day 1. Thinking.