Pastry

I made pastry the other day. An odd post, I know. Perhaps if you are reading this, you’re wondering why it matters? People make food all the time. It’s an accomplishment. For me; some kind of step.
In the past if I need to make something such as this, I would buy it. Ready rolled too, then I wouldn’t have to do it.
Why does it matter?
Because I suffer from Emetophobia along with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
They make for the most horrific times in my head. My hands are never clean enough. The side to make the pasty on is not hygienic enough. It doesn’t matter how many times I clean them. If I clean the worktop then my hands are dirty. When I’ve cleaned my hands, well, what If I didn’t do the worktop correctly?
I clean the worktop again and I’m back to my hands.
Add intrusive thoughts and any number of things can happen that will always lead to becoming ill and inevitably, vomiting.
It really wasn’t worth the trauma, because at the end of this cycle, I would be broken. I would feel so damn crazy that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I often say, I feel like a sane person in a crazy man’s mind.
And I do. I have a logical side but it gets ignored.
I have such a terrible phobia of vomiting. It fuels my OCD and the many things that could happen to me and I can’t get passed them.
Not so long ago, I refused to eat chicken. Chicken is so easy to ruin. I wouldn’t touch food I was going to eat with my hands.
Have you ever seen someone eat crisps without their fingers?
I developed many cunning ways to get around my fears and thoughts that I adapted myself.
But, I wasn’t making myself better. I was making myself worse. I was telling myself that these protective measures worked. They stopped me from getting ill. They stopped me from making my children ill.
So, putting my hands into something as simple as pastry; making it and putting it onto the work top and then eating it without fear was like …walking over a checkpoint.

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6 thoughts on “Pastry

  1. This is super encouraging to hear 🙂
    I love the moments when you say, I have done this! Perhaps to some, those moments are fleeting. I realize they are not.
    Your blog makes me feel so proud to be a part of the steps you take. What a blessing it is to see the support that surrounds you 🙂
    Wraps my arms around you~
    Yay!

  2. Excellent post. But even more so, such wonderful news. Your drive, determination to overcome, and your progress are so inspiring.

    And correction; not just an excellent post… excellent JOB.
    Keep it up. 🙂

    ~ Hugs ~

  3. Yay! That’s awesome! And it looks good too! I want some. lol!

    I am super weird about cleaning my hands too, and the dishes. And then I rinse the dish AGAIN after I get it out of the cupboard.

    But my grandmother was that way too, so maybe I took after her. I don’t know.

  4. So proud of you,Being phobic I no what this takes,and how great it feels to win one.keep it up dear friend and don’t forget to tell us.so we can enjoy the moment. ((((HUGS)))) xxxx

  5. We are going to have to get a hobby for you like singing. When I was a little girl i lived with my grandparents, my grandfather would work the grave yard shift. He would get home about 5am, while he cooked his breakfast he would sing to the top of his lungs. We would lay in bed and laugh, because the more he sang, the more upset and mad my grandmother would get. Well she would yell at him to hush. Well the more she yelled the louder he would sing. Well at the time I was 5 years old, I thought he was so funny, but it took many years of remembering what he would sing for me to understand why she yelled at him. The songs or some of them were slightly off color. He was still funny to me I had no idea he should not be singing those songs where anyone may hear them. If I could remember them we could set you up a new hobby. Your granddaughter can think you are funny like I did my grandfather. How I loved him.

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