Days

Days.

I hate the days when I feel pointless. like today, I feel it, like some pit of sadness that I can’t get away from, feels like drowning if anything, I’m not even sure why it started. maybe I woke this way, I’ve been so busy burying myself in everything else that I haven’t noticed.

I was probably around 9 or 10 when I really remember feeling this way on a perks ant basis, like I knew that this was my life and there was nothing I could do about it, or course if hope, I always had that. I’d try my best to be so damn good all the time and it never got noticed.

I used to beg God to take me away; to not let me wake up in the morning because I could t stand another moment. if I believed in God, perhaps I’d ask that of him now. everything feels so pointless.

I wonder what I’m fighting for. I’m here, I survived my childhood, but what for? what difference did I make?

When I was a child I would feel this way, usually after my father had… I’d say sexually abused me, but as I don’t see it as abuse I’m not really sure what to call it, but after my father had done his things and I’d go back to my bedroomI’d climb in bed and feel so dirty and disgusted with myself because I once again have in.

I used to write pages and pages of things, usually they started with why can’t my dad love me? why do I have to do these things? why am I so bad? I used to cry and pour my heart out into notebooks until I fell asleep. I’d curl myself I to the corner of my bed but I wouldn’t lie down, I was too afraid of that. what if the bad man came back?

But my sadness was because I was alone. completely. I feel that way today.

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9 thoughts on “Days

  1. I feel lost and alone too. very different reasons but alone nonetheless.

    thank you for sharing these pieces of yourself

    wishing you healing

  2. Thank you for sharing these pieces of yourself.

    Lost and alone, darkness surrounding and enveloping. the light will come, i must believe.

    wishing you healing

  3. Just a small recap…

    It’s true, you are not alone. You have indeed made, and definitely do make a difference. Every day.

    I hope tomorrow brings a better day for you. That you feel better soon… and you’re welcome.

    ~ Hugs ~

  4. JD you will never be alone while you have friends,I to get the alone feeling and many time asked to just keep sleeping forever,now I count the blessing I would have missed,it all helps dosen’t make it fantastic but gives something to get up for. ((HUGS)) 🙂

  5. Nothing anyone says will change what you are going through, I know that. It didnt help me when I went through it. In my mind I would think “You dont have a clue” but I would smile and say thank you none the less. The fight comes from deep within you. The very fact that you are able to fight it back, no matter how bad it gets, shows your strength. You cant see that, but we can. Keep fighting…I am living proof there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are meant to do great things! We all love you..One day you will see what we see…

  6. Sorry you feel so alone..
    Just wanted to tell you I now have personal experience what it is like for the abuser to make you feel like you are the perpetrator…My mom and dad called last night to tell me how disgusted, disappointment and ashamed of me…

    they finally read the book and now I too am disowned…the drowning tears is a little hard to overcome…but I wanted to say that through the difficulties…you will be okay and so will I ..

    .I can never think my pain is as difficult has yours…Never slept much last night…

    but wanted to tell you there far too many people out there who understand how you feel…God Bless…You…thanks for listening..I thought I wouldn’t have the guts to place it here…But I am here

    YOu will make it through…God love YOU and God Loves ME
    Keep talking – talking will help. and it is helping hundreds of others.
    You have the strength and courage to keep moving on.

    Today I feel alone as well…but this to shall pass eventually.
    God has given me such a great love for you not in a weird sense but like a motherly type a good nanny type…Like I care for my grandbabies.

    Though the enemy encamped round about me God is closer still
    He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.

    Beverley

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