A Bed

I feel like someone different today. I’m not sure I can work my moods out. I guess numb is probably the word for it. A sort of pre occupied, don’t care kind of mood.

I’ve had a strange thing in my mind of late. Perhaps it’s weird.

My grandfathers bed.

He had it for years and took to it for about a month before he died on it. It was old and broken and the springs were coming through the mattress on both sides, but it never got changed.

I didn’t have a bed. Not for the first nine years of my life. The only time I slept in a bed was with my parents or when they put me up on a fold out sun lounger at the bottom of theirs. I don’t know why I didn’t have one. I never really questioned it.

My parents moved out behind my back when I was seven and then took me back when they got a new house when I was nine. I even got my own room in their new house, and rather than buy me a bed, they gave me my grandfathers.

I’ve never been able to work out if that’s wrong of them. Should I have been given the bed, mattress and all that my grandfather died on? Was it strange of them to do that? Perhaps it’s just another example of how I was nothing. They couldn’t even get me a new bed, or at least replace the mattress. I used to wake daily almost with my leg torn to shreds from where the sharp bit came through, of course I learnt to avoid it in my sleep somewhat and the wounds got less.

Does this just prove how little I meant? I wonder, if my grandfather hadn’t died, would I have got a bed at all?

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5 thoughts on “A Bed

  1. This hurt my heart. If I had one super power, it would be to manipulate time. None of this would have happened to you. I can’t of course…all I can do is love you, and I do love you, James. ❤

  2. **scootching over** you can sleep in my bed but watch out…i kick ALOT in my sleep and talk up a storm, but I have TONS of pillows so we can build a wall between us and then stuff one over my mouth to shut me up. See, problem solver 😀 Seriously, my heart breaks when I think of what you endured, but I rejoice in knowing what a good heart you have and even better soul.

  3. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve known each other, or how many things you reveal, or how many times you share them; it always breaks my heart to hear of your pain. Though I understand better, I never get “used” to it.

    As for your getting the true answers to your questions, only one person can give you those. 😦 You know how I feel about that and what I will say. I hope someday, you do get your answers and that they give you some peace.

    On to you… and the present day. Like Tonya and Ditter, I too, wish I could change the past; take away your pain, your nightmares, and your fears. And I too, am glad for the gentle, kind man you’ve become; and the chance to know you. You are a beautiful soul.

    And as much as you disagree, it IS okay to let the people who care for you the most, love you for who you are. Might as well, because we’re going to do it anyway. 😉

    ~ Hugs ~

  4. do u know JD when i read that i instantly got the feeling it was just another game to them in their sordid little lives, i can almost hear them saying ” lets just f..k his head up a little bit more so we can have a laugh” u were picked on and bullied from so many angles through your growing yrs by your parents, so many of your memories are buried very deep and i hope u find that ONE memory that will be the start of u turning your life around and re directing the blame and shame u feel back to those that deserve it so that u can begin your rd to true recovery.

    big hugs as always
    Lil x

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