Covert Incest.
I had never heard this term before, not once. It’s also known as emotional incest, but because the name states the word, incest, I should clear up that it does not involve any sexual activity at all.
Often, a part of child abuse that is overlooked, is the emotional side. It’s hard to realise that the years following abuse, are usually far worse than the incidents themselves. However, the emotional side is much harder to understand. As a victim, it is more difficult to realise that this abuse is what had also occurred.
I learnt about this concept earlier this week. I read it with my mouth hung upon, my mind uttering, oh my god, several times, and the realisation that everything my parents did, was one form of abuse or another.
What is covert incest? Exactly that. A relationship between family members that shouldn’t happen. Be it mother and son, father and daughter, mother and daughter, father and son. It is when the child is not treated as a child, but an adult and is put upon by the actual adult and his or her emotional needs. Often, it’s a biased relationship on the adults side, with the child really having little understanding of what is happening or what is expected of them.
They play the role of the parent’s emotional support. It is the parent crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Roles are reversed and the child ends up being emotionally responsible for the needy parents well being.
I realise that this is something I endured with both my parents. Perhaps, this added to my feelings of being responsible, and the idea that I cannot shift, of making my parents the way they were. They gave me the responsibility by putting an adult world into my child mind.
My mother often sat me in the bathroom with her for hours at a time, using me as her sounding board. When we were out, it was my job to look after her and when she was afraid, I would get her home safe, and reassure her that everything was fine. I tried to hug her when she was upset. I complimented her and encouraged her. It was I who made her feel better about herself, and listened day after day, to her imaginary affair with one of our doctors.
Where was she, for me? She wasn’t, and I was only used if the family needed a scapegoat, if something was wrong, or if my mother was feeling bad.
Of course, by doing this, I learnt that if I said the wrong thing, I was beaten. I learnt the answers she wanted to hear. I learnt what made her feel good, what got her up in the morning.
Maybe this is why I feel responsible for my father’s wellbeing after I have told him to leave me alone, because they made everything my responsibility and my fault. How do I undo that?
The Long Term Effects (from CovertIncest.org):
Relationship problems are endemic amongst covert incest survivors. They often fall for the wrong type of partner—someone who is a replica of their invasive parent. Thus, their emotional needs remain unfulfilled which leads to unhappy relationships.
Because of the conflicting emotions that result from growing up with an invasive parent, survivors usually find themselves both attracted and repulsed by members of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on their sexual orientation and gender of the invasive parent).
In addition, since the atmosphere in which they were raised was sexually charged, it is common for survivors of covert incest to use sex as a means to intimacy. This can result in sexual addiction or other types of dysfunctional behaviors as an adult.
JD Stockholm. 
YES, YES, YES!!!! NAIL ON HEAD! My father’s sounding board. My mother’s defender and savior. Hug!
Hugs back
Thank you for posting this, JD. It explains so much about why I react the way I do to certain things.
It opened my eyes when I learnt about it.
I hope you are finding help from these enlightenments. Once you see that what happened to you was 100% NOT your fault you will be able to begin to heal. I pray for you that this will happen for you.
I cant even begin to tell you how glad I am, that your answers are coming to you now. That they are making perfect sense. That you are taking most everything in stride. But most of all, I am glad that you are accepting them, and continuing to move forward.
So glad.
Keep going.
Keep healing.
No matter what.
~ Hugs ~
Oh my god! My friend is doing this to her grandson! I am glad you are making progress, JD! I pray for you daily.
so glad it is getting threw that head of your,now your awakiing to the trueth keep at it.,we all know it was not your fault so glad your starting to see it for what it is Covet Incest. (( HUGS)) ❤ ❤ xxx
I have never heard that term, James. It makes a lot of sense and explains so much. You know, looking back over the past year, you have come a long way. A piece of the puzzle just slid in to place. None of this is easy for you, and if I could take it from you, I would. I will be right here to bounce things off of…Don’t forget that. Many of us will. Love you ❤
I learned about this when I started therapy four years ago when I had my breakdown. It was a very hard thing to realize that my parents were not only not there for me to teach me the things they should have taught me about good relationships, but they taught me about bad ones too. It’s a tough thing to realize that in many ways, how we view relationships is through the eyes of a child. But luckily, we have the ability to repair that damage and learn to make better choices and learn how to have good, healthy, strong relationships– even when those who should have done right by us have failed us. *hugs* It’s not easy when you learn this– but you can learn to forgive and move forward. The first step is understanding and letting it go. It’s the hardest part. Sometimes, I still have trouble with that part– letting go of the fact it’s the past and not currently happening to me still. But each day, it does get better. I promise.
It does explain some of the things I have been dealing with, mainly in trying to reconcile some of the things I had had to tolerate growing up.
Any form of emotional abuse I think is much harder to understand, it’s subtle and not as clear cut as sexual or physical
Emotional abuse is so. dang. invisible. It never seems worth it to me to even try to tell people about it, because I have no current proof, and people haaate to imagine abusive parents – even, or especially, if they had them.
It’s probably the worse kind, how do you even explain it?
I am beginning to understand how damaging this has been in my life between my mother and I. I have been threatened by my parents to stop blogging. I feel once again something that I enjoy and is about me is trying to be stolen. Ahh!
Don’t ever stop, don’t let them take more from you.
Omg. I know all about this! I had no childhood…
I’m sorry that you didn’t.