Digging for triggers not treasure

Digging for triggers not treasure.

The world of mental illness is often shied away from by those that do not understand and those that live in it suffer the shame of the things that can’t be helped.

I realise something has triggered me big in my head, but I do not know what it is, when I get to it, then the wave of issues I am riding will ease and I will be able to breathe once more.

I stood today and washed my hands for the third time in a row, I saw the look on a strangers face, I saw the thoughts, the way they paused as thy spoke to me. I felt my own shame flush my face because I knew that my hands were still not clean and the person was staring.

The worst part of suffering a mental illness is the looks from people.

People say they are tolerant and understanding to it, but in truth they are not. They stare, they judge and if rude enough they point.

My hands are sore. They are cracked and bleed so bad that I look like I’ve gone ten rounds with a grater. I cannot get then clean. I’ve fallen into my OCD cycle and no idea how to get out of it or what set me off.

I cannot touch anything. I have to shower before I go to bed, I feel the days dirt all over me like an invisible film. It’s dirt inside and I can of get clean, but I keep trying.

I feel like I’m crazy. I know people see me as crazy. In some ways I am crazy. I’ve self harmed almost daily that I don’t even try and stop it, it’s just another right for me to lose.

If I could just find the buried trigger, it would be like a treasure to mind. The treasure of freedom.


12 thoughts on “Digging for triggers not treasure

  1. I can’t help with that part, but can you stand to put something on them in between? Coconut oil is excellent is what I’m trying to get at to put a slightly coating on them.


  2. I understand what you’re saying more than you can know. And I really think it’s okay to feel that way. You’ve been through a lot. I just wish your self-harming would stop.

    (Sorry for hogging your blog)

  3. It’s easy to tell someone who is suffering, to not “worry” about what others think; I think it’s the right thing to say to those we care about. But in reality, that “worry”, is an unpleasant part of the experience, (to say the least) whether we like it or not.

    That being said, I must also point out that sometimes… sometimes having the shoulder and/or an ear of another, can be helpful, insightful, and even comforting.

    It breaks my heart that a man such as yourself, who has endured far too many evils in life, cannot find even simple peace within himself, that does not contain some sort of guilt, self destruction, or trigger.

    I am sorry that you continue to suffer so.

    When the end of the month of March arrives, when you will begin your journey yet again, guided by a professional, I hope that the painful cycles that have a hold of you, will ease their grip. If only to help you to slow the painful things (physical and emotional) that have become much too accepted by you.

    In the meantime, (I know you will say, that you know, but I still have to say it) I, and so many others are always near, always ready to listen, and care for you very much. And one more thing… you are NEVER a bother or a burden.

    Not ever.

    And you are far more “sane” than some people I know.

    Love you. ~ Hugs ~

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