Sometimes I think of things to write about on here and then I don’t, I think I don’t want to sound as though I am depressed or only write dark kind of posts. I am not after pity, mostly support, and sharing my journey. I think sometimes I lose track of that. I post here to help me, but also to help those that might come across my words with the same issues. I know, realising I am not alone and that one person understands means more to me than any form of sympathy.
So I think I lost sight of what I started this for and so have not posted many thoughts.
A few weeks ago, when the weather was great I had a barbeque at my house, it didn’t actually start that way, but it’s what it turned into. In many ways I am glad, what started to be something for one of my children became a day where lots of things happened for me.
For starters, I ate barbequed food. That’s huge for me. I love food cooked on a barbeque, but my OCD had stolen that from me and really it had been a good ten years since I have dared to enjoy food like that. I ate crisps with my hands (potato chips to my American readers).
I had people in my house and I didn’t watch what they touched, didn’t freak out internally every time someone wanted to use my bathroom. I didn’t freak out later that many people had used it and now I had to clean it.
I didn’t panic at my children eating food with their fingers. I didn’t panic when the children and friends took their empty plates and things into the kitchen or when someone other than me opened bread rolls or salad.
Maybe these are little things, but to me, these are things that would have sent me on some odd kind of anxiety day until I couldn’t breathe.
Perhaps though, the most important realisation was my father. I hadn’t seen him for the best part of a year, my choice really. He came with my brother and they sat away from everyone else. I talked to them and I was pleasant enough, but really, I didn’t fit there anymore. I didn’t want to. I realised that I didn’t belong with them. They were just strangers with familiar faces.
When he asked me how I was doing with my schooling I wasn’t afraid to tell him, maybe it was because there were a lot of people around and I knew that he wouldn’t belittle me then or maybe it was just because I’m happy and I wasn’t letting him spoil it.
Afterwards when he left and I saw him out, we stood around the front of my house and for the first time I looked at him, really looked at him. I thought to myself, I know what you did to me. That kind of thing has never crossed my mind before, I don’t know where it came from, but maybe that in itself was another achievement for me that day.
Reblogged this on Author Azure Boone.
It really does sound like a victorious day! A true milestone!
~ Excellent. Amazing. Wonderful.
So very proud of you. How far you have come.
So many words and phrases come to mind; but for me, none seem good enough to describe this milestone for you. And so, I will simply say once again… look at you !!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Congratulations James, well done. WELL DONE.
~ Hugs ~
LOVE YOU TO PIECES!!
That is such a wonderful step JD. You are growing and taking baby steps.
That is most definatly one of the biggest steps you will ever have to take in the right direction,well done to you,
you are one of the strongest people i could ever have the blessing to know…. my thoughts are always with you!
James, this post is beautiful; a song to healing, to moving on.
I am so happy you got to beat OCD (at least for a while) and enjoy again things life should never have taken off you…
I’m so glad you could stand near your father and not feel humilliated. Not because you have to, but because he should never have made you feel that way ever; he didn’t had the right, and he was so damaging.
I’m really happy for you, and also proud of you, if it counts for anyhting.
And know you are never alone. I’ve read a lot of comments to a lot of posts from people who love you. And from me too.
Sad posts, happy posts, any posts, I love you too.
PS: If I were a literary critic, I would congratulate you on the title… Well, I do anyway… It just nails the contents. Great writing skills, young man 😉