Blame is one of those things I keep coming back to. I think I have it right in my head and then it’s gone again. But it’s an essential part of my healing so I keep fighting to see it how everyone else does and not through my eyes.
Guilt and blame seem to go hand in hand with each other. Guilt by association is an odd idea though, but it makes a lot of sense. Have you been at school and some people are talking, but you all get told off and sometimes all end up in detention? Or even more serious things, such as if you were with someone that burgled a house, even though you don’t go in, don’t smash anything or steal, you are still guilty by association.
Children are taught when an authority figure tells them off they listen. It’s something that’s there from such a young age. When children have friends over and that friend does something wrong, the child is told off by the parent, not the friend. They become guilty by association also. So what if the child is being abused?
They may know the abuse is wrong, but they don’t tell, some never tell because they feel the guilt.
No one would ever have believed me with my father. Not a single person. On the outside he was a good man. He helped people. Polite, well spoken, intelligent with a nice house, children etc. Yet there was this secret he and I had.
Isn’t it natural that if a child and parent are doing something bad and wrong together, the child feels guilty? Not because they should, but because the adult has tricked them and pinned some of the guilt on them to retain silence.
I completely agree with what you just said. Remember Arial Castro? Nobody would have believed he had done what he did to/with those 3 young women.
I to completely agree with what you said. Although i hadnt thought of it that way untill reading your post.
Totally different subject now but just wondered if you have ever been assessed for being on the Autistic Spectrum, i hope im not affending you by asking this its just a lot of adults go undiagnosed because of never being assessed when young…. and it often gets miss diagnosed for obsessive compulsive disorder,anxiety disorders and a few others. You just seem to carry alot of the traits for it.
Im deeply sorry if ths question upsets you but just thought it may help to explain the way you seem to think and need structure/routine etc….
Also very often miss-diagnosed for Boarderline Personality Dissorder.
It doesn’t upset me that you asked don’t worry. Ironically my son has Aspergers, but no I have never been tested myself. I don’t think anyone would look, I just have a nice list of many other disorders given by therapists, OCD, PTSD, BPD and DDNOS, I think I get to the point I joke they should put then together and call it all James disorder. Joking aside though, whatever I have I know I am different. I feel it. I feel like I stand outside the world looking in on everyone else that is normal.
~ Yes, you are perfectly right in what you say re blame and the guilt by association … now here comes the but … But in your case, (re abuse)there is more to the equation.
In your case, there was, and is, a predator. To the unknowing average person, he is a believable, charismatic, charming, convincing, “innocent” and sometimes sickly “gentleman,” who does not understand why his son can behave so rudely and cruelly toward him; who is also respected and liked in the community, by those who are fooled.
But you see him for who and what he really is; an intimating , manipulating , selfish self-centered, and just plain mean sometimes. Despite all of that, you see your father. And you are loyal to him. You love him. Hence, you are forever torn.
Yes you feel guilt. How could you not?
How. Could. You. Not?
And that’s a crime in and of itself.
Predators abused you.
Made you believe you were bad and evil. How can any of us expect any less from you than the carrying of the guilt of SO MANY? … because of so many.
But the difference is, that we, your friends, and the members of your family, who TRULY love you…the difference between us and those who abused you, is that WE love you and like you for who you are… NOT for what we can get /take from you, for our own gain, without so much as a blink of remorse.
And so, yeah, go ahead and feel that guilt, as is it NOT part of the process? It’s okay to feel it. To move through it. Please just remember, that it’s also okay to NOT feel it. I say this, because I have seen you bravely educate yourself about the statistics, the case studies, the symptoms, etc…if you will, re so many conditions that too many abused souls must live with, because of what they suffered at the hands of another. Most importantly, because you do indeed, see the truth and you know it (unfortunately, all too well) because you have lived it.
You also know that coming to these realizations just takes time. We all have our own way of doing it.
Yours will come when you are ready.
And if it doesn’t… well, you still have us… your friends… your “fan club” 😉
I don’t want to assume and speak for everyone, but you can be sure I will never leave.
Whether you feel “normal” or not.
Whether you are standing outside or inside.
No matter what.
~ Much love and hugs ~ x
Well said I most certanly agree with every single word.