Happy New Year

happy-new-year-2014

Happy New Year to you all. I hope you all saw the new year in with friends and family. I saw the new year in alone this time, it’s been a while since I have done that, but it was okay.

It’s been a while since I have posted here. It’s been a while since I’ve really bothered talking to many people. I’m not really sure why that is, I think about doing it, saying hi, nudging, inquiring how people are, but then I always come back to what is the point? I’m better off quiet I think. I thought very hard about shutting this site down and my facebook pages too, but then I know that those who support me need somewhere, and so I don’t do it. Perhaps there would be some way to fade into the shadows and not be seen, to just be there and observe, so that people could forget me.

I realise how depressing this post might sound, I’m not really depressed. Just fighting and tired from it. Fighting to eat or not eat. I can’t make my mind up which I want to do. Today is a not eat day. I ate so much over Christmas. I fight to keep my OCD down, from it’s torturous voice. That one is winning at the moment. I’m back at university on Monday and I’m afraid. The voice of my BPD confirms to me when I look in the mirror, why no one is around. Self-harm is winning. Three days of the new year, three days of self harm. At least my PTSD has been a little more under control recently. So many things to fight.

I wonder if when I see the next new year in, my father will be here. I’ll be surprised if he is. His cancer has progressed, although that doesn’t seem to stop him in his ways. My own stupidity on Christmas day saw that I turned my back on him, I didn’t think, it allowed him to grab my head and ram it down twice into the roof of the kiddies play house. Then he tried to kick me, but I moved and his foot only just brushed passed me. Some lessons I really need to learn.

I wish all my friends peace and happiness this year.

Take Care.

 

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6 thoughts on “Happy New Year

  1. Happy New Year to you too James. Such a hard time of year to be positive. With Xmas over all we have to look forward to is short, dark, cold days while we wait for Spring to cheer us up. You know that you would be very much missed if you closed down your pages. You have so many people who care about you so stay with us! And your father really is a nasty piece of work. It will be no loss to this world when he leaves it.

  2. Dear James,
    I know you probably won’t believe a word I say but maybe, some place within you feels better about the following statement, which I swear is true: I care about you. Quite a lot, actually.
    After reading your books and posts I feel like I know you a bit, and I know a little of that precious little boy you were.
    Maybe spending New Year alone is not so bad when you’re sad. At least, some times. And also, when you’re feeling very nervous around people, it might be better to be on your own.
    However, it worries me that being alone probably makes behaviors like self-harming more easy… Isn’t there someone safe you can be with?
    You know, there are lots of people here who care about you. I read their posts and they usually have a better way with words and experience than I do. Maybe this will sound stupid or pointless, but you can count on me. And know I really, really want a world in which you exist. I’d be thrilled to see you get better, but even if you don’t, I still want you to exist and keep fighting… or just hanging in there.
    I haven’t suffered like you have, but I know what is like to fight for things in your mind to be better, to get better, to feel at least a glimmer of happiness or content… and fail. I know it’s frustrating and how deeply you can feel you want to give up. And because I know it’s such a strong feeling, I beseech you: stay with me, with us.
    One of your issues is that you cannot see anything nice, or worthy, or good in you, when the fact is there’s plenty of all that. There’s been plenty of all that since you were the little boy I read about in the Teddy books…
    Even if you can’t feel that, or see yourself that way, know your self perception is flawed, as if you were daltonic: you’re seeing blue, but the color is yellow. Know that the reality is that.
    Hope this has helped in a way.
    I hug you from afar.
    XXXXX

  3. I’m sorry for the way you are feeling.
    For what others have put you through, for so long…and continue to do.
    Most of all, that you want to be forgotten.

    I’m sorry that he is such a draining force in your life. As far as you “allowing” him to do the things he’s done (at Christmastime); you know how I feel about that… ALL of that, so I’ll just say, I think we’ve all let our parents get away with some things. I also think that perhaps it’s partly because you are a caring, gentle, loving person, whose loyalty he has taken advantage of, for your entire life. I commend you, as I would not have been so tolerant, for lack of a better word. To me, loyalty only goes so far. You are a good man, James. Period.

    I understand, and completely relate to the, “what’s the point” attitude. You know this.
    You also know, that none of us really has any control over anything. What is … is. I believe that we just find different ways of dealing with things. Whatever it takes. Sound familiar?

    You’re no different.
    The actions of others upon you. Your conditions. Your triggers. Etc…
    You have ways of dealing with each of those things.
    They just “are.”
    Your decision to stay or leave this world, is affected by the very existence of some of your loved ones.
    Even if there is, “no point.”

    There are some who might read your post and tell you to just get over it. While others may mean well when they say, it will all be okay. We both know it’s not that easy.

    Here comes the cliché ~ Life is what you make of it.~
    From my standpoint you’ve done a pretty good job.
    We all do things for others… our pets, our kids, our partners, even strangers. Yet most of the time, not much for ourselves. Fb is not an exception. As you said, you stay here for others. I say, you also do it for yourself. We all do. Maybe we do it because for a few moments we are able to smile. To forget. To feel accepted. To be comfortable. Connected.
    For many, you are the hub.

    I’m glad you didn’t shut your blog and pages down. Because that would be a shame.
    You would be missed by those who admire you. Who adore you. Who need you. And yes, by those who love you dearly.
    No matter what.

    ~ Hugs ~

  4. I’m starting school tomorrow. I’m afraid too. I’m glad you were feeling well enough to update us. And I’m glad you decided not to disappear but to stay (through your web and stuffs). It may be hard, always difficult, but please remember there are people who’d remember you even if they don’t show it, think about you and worry about ya.

    Like now – and all these msgs. ^ 🙂

    Be gentle to yourself, take care!!

    Sh

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