I self harmed today. I did it kind of on Saturday evening too, that wasn’t so bad, hot water from the shower, today was cutting. I made it a week, though. That’s pretty good for me, except that I spent much of the week in my own head, forcing myself away and leaving other parts of me in control at the helm.
I’m not really sure which way is better. Perhaps last week was easier. I didn’t cut and I can function on an academic level so my studies don’t suffer. I can care for my children and give them what they need, but for the most part, I am not mentally there. It’s like holding my breath and waiting to hurt. Stepping over mines and any moment one of then will go off.
Sometimes I get afraid I am always going to be this way. Sometimes I get more afraid that I won’t be, that one day I’ll be someone else.
I wish so much that my dad or one of his friends would have gone too far when I was a child. It would be so much better for me than this. Those children who die through abuse, at least they no longer suffer. They don’t wake in the morning with a pain in their chest, caught somewhere between still being the broken child, to being the physically grown adult. They are at peace.
I was reading a journal today on child deaths and their sibling survivors. Of course it made me think of my own brother. I always wish my dad would have killed me when I was a child so that my children now wouldn’t suffer and my pain would be over. But how would my brother have coped?
He’d have had no reason why I died, how would he reconcile that? And if he did know, if he found out it was our father, what level of guilt would he have? Would he feel guilty for being here? Would he feel guilty because he couldn’t help or that he didn’t know. Would he feel guilt at not knowing what was happening in the house he resided?
look what you did dad, father of mine. No escape. Not as a child who could turn back time and escape because the effect on my brother would be devastating. No escape in adulthood because I will not let your actions affect my children. No escape from my mind because I have to keep your secrets. I have to keep your toxic actions inside so that no one else gets hurt. I wish I could cut your skin instead of mine.