Death

I self harmed today. I did it kind of on Saturday evening too, that wasn’t so bad, hot water from the shower, today was cutting. I made it a week, though. That’s pretty good for me, except that I spent much of the week in my own head, forcing myself away and leaving other parts of me in control at the helm.

I’m not really sure which way is better. Perhaps last week was easier. I didn’t cut and I can function on an academic level so my studies don’t suffer. I can care for my children and give them what they need, but for the most part, I am not mentally there. It’s like holding my breath and waiting to hurt. Stepping over mines and any moment one of then will go off.

Sometimes I get afraid I am always going to be this way. Sometimes I get more afraid that I won’t be, that one day I’ll be someone else.

I wish so much that my dad or one of his friends would have gone too far when I was a child. It would be so much better for me than this. Those children who die through abuse, at least they no longer suffer. They don’t wake in the morning with a pain in their chest, caught somewhere between still being the broken child, to being the physically grown adult. They are at peace.

I was reading a journal today on child deaths and their sibling survivors. Of course it made me think of my own brother. I always wish my dad would have killed me when I was a child so that my children now wouldn’t suffer and my pain would be over. But how would my brother have coped?

He’d have had no reason why I died, how would he reconcile that? And if he did know, if he found out it was our father, what level of guilt would he have? Would he feel guilty for being here? Would he feel guilty because he couldn’t help or that he didn’t know. Would he feel guilt at not knowing what was happening in the house he resided?

look what you did dad, father of mine. No escape. Not as a child who could turn back time and escape because the effect on my brother would be devastating. No escape in adulthood because I will not let your actions affect my children. No escape from my mind because I have to keep your secrets. I have to keep your toxic actions inside so that no one else gets hurt. I wish I could cut your skin instead of mine.

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3 thoughts on “Death

  1. I am so very sorry for all the hurt you are going through.
    I can relate to your cutting, hurting, not knowing if you care to go on.
    I am going thru the same feeling for a different reason.
    It’s so hard to go on each day, but we fight and fight with our feelings in side of us. knowing that we have to keep on trying. It’s so hard for others to feel our pain, if only we had a disability on the outside people would be able to see our problem but when it’s deep inside of us, no one can see what is going on.
    Please know that I pray for you as well as for me, to keep going on each and every day for the people we love.
    I look forward to your letters, blog, to keep me going to.
    Love and prayers for you.
    Terri

  2. ~ I’m so sorry for your suffering. Your pain. Your misery. Your sadness. Everything.
    I wish all of it could end. That it would end… but with you still here.
    You deserve the “happily ever after,” we all yearn for, even though we know it does not exist… not completely anyway.
    As always, I wish you happiness, strength healing, and most of all, peace in your heart, in your mind, and in your journey.

    Love you.

    ~ Tight Hug ~

  3. Pingback: If you don’t want to cut, just stop it. Simple | JD Stockholm.

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