I think as I go more and more through this journey in my life, I discover more and more has been stolen. Of course, I lost my innocence a long time ago, and maybe that was the worst thing to lose. Or maybe it was that I lost myself and who I was meant to be, but there are moments, things, that I never realised I had lost.
Sympathy.
Not mine. It’s a weird thing to lose. I sit here with my chest tight and my shoulders weighted down, but there is no one to really turn to. People’s dislike for my dad is stronger and they can’t see. They can’t see what is being taken from me.
When normal people’s fathers are sick, suffering with something like cancer, and the normal person sees their parent slipping away. When the adult who raised them suddenly needs help to fasten shoelaces, make meals or simply fill out a form. They talk to their friends, they get hugs and care and sympathy.
I find myself in this place I never imagined, where that has been stolen from me. I tell people my father is sick, and they say good. Inside, the child who is there, who loves his father, wraps his arms around himself for comfort. 
When I say that I am helping my dad, fixing his car, cooking his meal, I am told that I am doing more than he deserves. I end up finding myself torn between what feels right to do and what people think I should do.
When people ask me why I would help him, my answer is because he is my dad. I find myself envious of that normal person who wouldn’t be asked why, but would be asked, what help do you need.
I wish I was a normal person. Instead, he is my abuser and I am his victim. But I wish the world would see that he is my dad, and I am his son.
I never knew that this part had been stolen.
JD Stockholm. 
I’m sorry. I can only imagine the dilemma inside. 😦
I understand. Any attempt at a normal relationship with you father is your right. Those who have your best interests at heart may not always understand fully why you would give him the time of day, maybe in a protective way. But they must learn to respect that it is just not that simple. And please know you always have the support of others.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through all these difficult feelings and emotions, I would like to say….is there anything I can do to help? Whether I like or respect your father (I don’t) doesn’t matter, I like and respect you and your feelings, so if you need to help your father, then you should do what feels right to you, not anyone else, and I’ll stand by you and help you in any way that I can (even though I am miles and miles away) sometimes words is all we have to help each other.
Thank you
You are a good man and a good son. I know that dilemma and have shared it with you when my mom was hospitalized last year. It’s difficult to be the caretaker of our abuser. I think you are doing a wonderful thing by helping him now.
oh my…..you’re right…..I do think most people wonder why you’d help a man who treated you so horribly. And you’re right that people’s responses to your pain aren’t what they’d normally be. I feel guilty of having that same attitude & now I feel ashamed of myself for not taking your feelings into account. I do understand where you’re coming from. My husband was physically & mentally abused ….his parents were evil. They have both passed on & he misses them terribly. It’s something I think those of us who are lucky enough to have had “normal” childhoods, just can’t completely understand. I’m so sorry you have to deal with people like me, who just don’t “get it” completely. Hugs to you!
It’s hard for people to realise. I understand their hate. It was mostly just a reminder that he is my dad and so no matter how bad he has been, I am still struggling that he is sick
JD, this is a hard thing to deal with. Those of us that care about you, about the little boy, just want you to be safe and protected. But, you are his son. Even though you’ll likely never get the acknowledgement and apology you deserve, he is your father. And when he’s gone, you’ll never have the opportunity to be with him again. Remember we only know what you share with us, and it has been horrible. But I’m sure there had to be good times in there. If so, please share those times with us too.
What the right thing to do is what you personally feel the right thing is. Regardless if your father is also your abuser, you need to do what makes you feel that you are doing right. My grandmother always told me to, “Keep your side of the fence clean.” Meaning you do what you feel is right regardless of the atrocities that others may do to you. As far as what people are telling you what you should and shouldn’t do, just remember that is their opinion. You are the one that has to live with yourself. JD-You are an awesome writer, I truly admire you not only because of the strength you possess and all that you have gone through, but because the beauty of the way you portray your thoughts into words.
If you want to help your Dad because he is your Dad then do it.I understand what your saying.I would do what you feel is right.Do what makes you happy.Don’t ever worry about what someone else will say or think.
It was more just a reminder that people forget he is still my father and I need support 🙂
I understand. I’ve been there. Maybe not to the extent that you have… but I’ve been there. And unlike you, I did not help. In part, (though no excuse) because I was only a teenager, and in part, because I was torn. My wounds still fresh, if you will. That decision still haunts me.
Also, I agree with the opinion of most of your followers and have said it to you often; you are indeed, a good son. Maybe he doesn’t deserve your kindness, your loyalty, or your love: but that’s for no one but you to decide. I think I’ve said that to you before as well.
And here’s another one I’m sure you’ll remember me saying… a lot … follow your heart. You’ve grown enough and you’ve been through enough to know what is right for you. What is right for your heart… and your conscience.
I remember long ago, you said to me, “But what if he decides to apologize/ tells me he loves me, and I miss it because I’ve disowned him completely?”
Ever since then, I have understood your reason for allowing him (though at arms length) to remain in your life, even though you know that that apology or even any kind of validation may never come.
And so, whether it’s tying his shoes, or holding your tongue, you do what YOU feel is right, and let no one tell you differently.
No matter what.
Love you. ღ
~ Hugs ~
Teresa says it very well. I can also somewhat understand where you are coming from. I understand that, in spite of the hell your father put you through, you acknowledge that he is your dad, and he is a human being. You are helping him because, however faulty he is, he is a human being that needs help. My mother, after 26 years of being put through hell by my father, had finally decided to leave him. But then he found out that he had bladder cancer; smoking related. So she decided to stay with him and look after him. He died a year later. I couldn’t cry when he died. Still can’t, all these years later. All I felt was relief. Relief that now my mother was finally free from the monster. Relief that all of his anger, bitterness and suffering were now at an end. However, the legacy he left still affects all of us. All of us are battling one form of mental illness or other. My four sisters are all addicted to religion. My middle brother committed suicide in 2009 after many years battling the bottle and drugs. My youngest brother still has battles with the bottle and drugs. My oldest brother was a teenage alcoholic. I understand you very well in the way that even when the monster is weakened or dead, it can take a long time for us to subdue the echoes of the harm that the monster did, within ourselves. You are doing the right thing, JD, by showing compassion and helping your dad while he is on his last legs. It’s a shame that no one is helping you.
I can understand that. When i knew about your father´s cancer the first thing i thought was to say I´m sorry but i didn´t because maybe many people would be mad at me. not every victim hates his abuser specially if he´s his father. maybe is more compassion and the hope he is still here and some day he could apologize (they never do even living a hundred years). any way i understand because i feel something similar for my own father. i support you. if you want to help your father do it. your are a great human.
Hey JD …. you *are* a normal person. Because you are feeling compassion for another human being. And you are responding to that. Hold onto that – the untouched essence of “you”. Nobody can take that away from you. I think you are amazing.
Thank you