I’m Fine

I don’t write here a lot anymore, I know. Mostly because I’m fine … I’m fine. Yes. Like a mantra. A little bit of that is because I feel like I’m whining all the time. Like who wants to hear about it?

So the man is crazy? So what?

Who cares?

I’m fine.

That’s what I have to keep saying.

Look out the window and think about jumping … No, I’m fine.

My dad died. I miss him and I hate him all at the same time, but … I’m fine.

I came off my medication. I couldn’t write while I was on it and even after my dad’s passing, everything was numb. Not in the grief kind of numb. This was different. Just numb that my emotions had flat-lined. Christmas came and I tried to enjoy it. I tried to feel it inside like I had for years, but it was gone. Maybe losing Christmas was more heart-breaking that losing my dad … maybe. But I’m still fine.

I couldn’t sleep on the medication. I developed something called restless leg syndrome and my doctor told me that I had to choose, my mental health or my legs. I know people will say change medication, but see, I can’t take tablets, and so what I can take has to be a liquid and so my choices were limited, but my medication was to target my OCD and my depression, so what I was taking was the leading medicine for that.

It did work on my depression. I don’t feel depressed. I can get up in the morning now and not feel like I want to just roll over and die.

I found a lump in my body and I must go to the doctors to get it checked out, but I can’t. Not because I am afraid of what they might say. This lump lingers in my thoughts so often, knowing it needs to be looked at … knowing I need to ask, but I can’t. And it’s like a war inside my head, one that says what if it is something serious and you leave it too long. Then what?

Tell my kids something bad, because I couldn’t go to the doctor?

But then if I call the doctor, he has to touch me. He has to see me and look and examine me. Just the thought of it now has me wanting to bolt for the bathroom and pull my friendly blade from the soap dish and cut away every little millimetre of dirt buried under my skin. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the thought of it … hands on me. Even the doctor.

I could tell him, right? I could say being here triggers me so bad that I am ready to hurt myself for it, but what do I say?

I was a victim of sexual abuse?

I wasn’t. It’s a lie. It feels like a lie.

I was a participant. Its different.

I can’t say to the doctor, don’t touch me. Touching me reminds me what a disgusting person I am. It reminds me to hate myself and hate the child I was.

I just sit in the corner

Over here.

Out of the way.

I’m fine.

 

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13 thoughts on “I’m Fine

  1. I wish I had the words to make you see that that little boy was a victim. You think he was a participant because he “found pleasure”, but he only did because that was the only time he felt anything good. Please try not to hate him. He wanted to be loved like we all do. It’s not his fault that this was the only kind of love he was shown. Please take care of yourself. ❤

  2. Oh JD. Your pain soaks through me and it hurts. I ache for you.
    I don’t know how you can achieve this, but you must learn to love that little child you were. Otherwise you’re sort of joining in the abuse of him. And it was abuse. Make no mistake. Darling – you were a sweet, innocent little child who was dragged into an underworld of psychological violence so extreme that it has even got you hating yourself and believing you’re dirty. And as long as you believe that, they have power over you.
    Yeah – so what if you began to enjoy the sexual stuff? You simply can’t control every response your body emits. That doesn’t mean you weren’t a victim. You were.
    I am sending all my love to you, have strength, you are a beautiful, brace human being who has as much right to be here as any of us. Even if you’re not fine.

  3. You were…and still are…a victim. Please don’t let your shame keep you from going to the doctor. And please open up to your doctor. You have no reason to be ashamed. You were a child!!! You were abused by a very sick man. I pray you won’t always let your past define you. You don’t have to sweetheart.
    I would like to encourage you to study what God has to say in His Word about giving your burden and your pain to Him. I don’t understand why these kind of things happen to innocent children. But I know we live in a fallen, evil world. And I know a sovereign God sees all and tho there may seemingly be no justice in this life for victims of abuse, I am confident that there will be one day. He is coming back to get His children that have given themselves to Him and we will live with Him forever. But for those who reject Him, He has promised that He will repay them for their evil deeds with vengeance. I pray you will give your heart, your pain, your burden to Him! He can take it and give you peace that passes all understanding.
    John 14:27
    John 3:16
    Matthew 11:28-29
    1 Peter 5:7

  4. Love you so much. You’re such a bright shinning star I just wish you could see it. You ARE a victim. Your choice was taken away when you didn’t even know you had a choice. Please stop doing this to yourself. Stop the self hate because you don’t deserve it especially from yourself.
    I’d already told you the same about my dad. How I loved him because he was my dad but I also hated him for what was done. You are so strong to be a survivor of all the horrific things you went through. You’re an inspiration to other survivors and to have the courage to share your story makes you a warrior in their and my eyes. You are a angel.
    I understand about doctors I don’t like going myself. But please take care of yourself. I want you to be here for a very long time.

  5. Reading your words breaks my heart. I have never thought of you as a whinger or a whiner. You are more than entitled to express your feelings about what happened when you were a child. Guilt can leave deep hooks in our souls. I do hope that you make it to the doctor to get examined and tested. Can you possibly take a sedative like valium etc, before going to the doctor, and get your wife to perhaps go with you as a support person ?

  6. Yvette really said it best. At the very core of all us is the created need to be loved and accepted. A child does not realize when an adult uses that wrong. They only recognize that the need as been filled. The mother in me wants so much to tell that little boy just how precious he is. How loved. How accepted. Exactly the way he is.

  7. This is why so many authors are mad…it takes a certain mind to write, and that mind goes away when you “fix” it with medication.
    You are fine. Even if it’s a lie sometimes- you really are fine.
    Also, the restless leg shit is infuriating.
    Go to the doctor, you can’t die from a trigger, no matter how hard it makes your heart pound. 40 is too young to die. You’ll be fine.

  8. To a degree, I suppose we’re ALL “fine.” But that doesn’t mean we don’t need each other. Deep down, we all know what’s best for ourselves; even if we don’t want to admit it.
    Fear controls so much of this world. So much of ourselves.
    It is a shame how much suffering is caused from this. I don’t expect you to overcome every single fear you have accumulated.
    No one should expect that.
    More than once, I have seen you adapt to your environment (however horrific) and survive. I know you will continue to do so.
    I trust you will make the right choices for yourself, and for the ones who are important to you; as that is what life is about. Choices.
    And life is all we have.
    It’s all we have.
    *Wraps my arms around you. Hugs you tightly.*
    You, my dear friend, my tormentor, my confidante, my hero; you are not alone.
    And you indeed, will be fine… in the good way.
    Love you. nmw. ღ

  9. My heart breaks for you!! Your not whining. You have a huge support system ready to listen. YOU are a victim of sexual abuse. You need to love that little boy inside you. YOU were a child. Parents are supposed to protect and love that child. YOU didn’t get that. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.. Love you!!

  10. Love, you are not fine. You are in the clutch of grief. You have a lump that needs to be checked out. You were a victim of abuse, not a participant. You were a child. You could not give the consent needed to be a participant.
    You cannot control everything and fear can consume you. But you need to be brave again and make some choices. Do you want to see your children and grandchildren grow up? Do you want to give up the life you are living now? Please know that so many people, including me, care for you so deeply and are sending positive energy to you. I will support whichever decision you make, but I want to tell you a story.
    When I was about your age, I discovered a lump on my the underside of my upper left arm. I was so frightened, but I did choose to go to the doctor. What really concerned me then was his reaction. He felt the lump and told me it was attached to my bone. Then he leaned over and kissed my forehead. He knew Gary was sick and that we had two small children. I felt he was giving me a death sentence.
    I contacted my group of friends and they put me in the middle of a circle and prayed for me after anointing me with blessed oil.
    My doc arranged for me to have nuclear isotopes put into my body and then return home for four hours to let them bond throughout my body. That morning, I had felt the lump in my arm. After the time passed, I returned to the clinic for a full body scan. The following day, I returned to the doctor for my report. I was filled with trepidation. First, he felt for the lump and could not find it. He said he didn’t understand, but there was no sign of that lump or any in my full body scan.
    I trusted that someone out there was watching out for me and I am forever grateful. But, I also sought the help I needed and did not wait for the help to arrive on its own.
    I am praying for you. Many hugs and much love.

  11. There is no reason to sit in a corner by yourself. You have an unbelievable support system that surrounds you and believes in you. You are a survivor of the most heinous abuse. You are a victim. You were the child seeking acceptance and looking to be loved. You are not fine until you can believe and love yourself and when you do not blame yourself and can forgive yourself.
    Please go to the doctor and get yourself looked at. You are worth it. Think of your family if you cannot bare to go for yourself, do it for them, your family. You are strong, you have survived much worse.
    You amaze me. I came along late to the party but I am learning fast why you have a huge circle of protective friends who will stand beside you and protect you and tell you your worth.
    I want to hold that little boy, take him in my arms and never let him go. I want to take away all the bad.

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