Crying Without Tears – Self Harm.

Crying Without Tears

Self Harm

Five days and I have not self harmed. I am trying not to break it today. I am trying to hold on with everything I have got to not give into what’s inside.

I’ve come so close, my hands shake, I can’t move, but I try. I fight.

For me.

I’ve self harmed since I was 4 years old. It’s what I do. What I know that cuts away my shame. That’s 31 years of being a slave to this condition, but it calls to me. Deep within. The tug inside. The ache under my skin that needs to be let out. The way I feel it. It’s like a need to breathe. A way to cry with no tears. To appear normal. To move onto the next moment because this one feels so smoothing I need to cut free.

I will not cut today. I will not give in.


Self harm is an addiction. It is passed off by society as something odd looking teenagers do while listening to depressing music to get attention. That is not why I do it. It is not why many do it, I am sure.

It’s misunderstood.

Sometimes, all that is needed is a hug. A tight hug until the only option is to break and let it out.

I read in the paper a short time ago that when a patient comes in with self harm injuries to the emergency room, the nurses would not give the patient anything to numb the pain. Because it was self inflicted,   the patient can deal with their pain then. They can deal with it while getting stitched up and wasting time.

I am sure it’s not practice but it was still a debate. The cause of self harm is passed off as nothing more than looking for attention. Perhaps it was a new idea to save money.

People think it can be stopped. Just don’t do it, but it is not so easy.

Three weeks ago, I had to seek medical aid for something I had done to myself. I was thankful that the nurse numbed the area before she began to stitch.

I am not proud of what I did. I don’t show it off. Most of the time when I am not feeling such mental anguish, I feel quite ashamed of what I have done But while I am  in those moments, self harm is the best painkiller I have for the internal pain I feel. All I care for is relief.

12 thoughts on “Crying Without Tears – Self Harm.

      • it does. ive been cutting for a while. just when i start doing good something turns my world upside down & i fall. ive not cut since last monday & i was doing well till i cut myself today but i stopped myself from finishing the cut. i am going to a counselor again for more help. i tend to write in a journal or talk to someone to help me when im struggling. i hate when people think that we just want att. im deff not like that i hate telling people about it, i like to hide. but i saw this site & hide to write back. thank you for your words.

      • Thank you for your comments Savannah, I apologise for my late reply, I have been full of a cold these past few days. I’m so glad you didn’t finish the cut, I’m sorry you know that turmoil too. I hope the counsellor helped you as well as the writing. Writing helps me, this place is my voice.

  1. Many hugs of God’s love to you…Remember you are loved and hugged….may you know the difference you make….thank you…<3

  2. “Hugs” can work wonders; whether given by yourself, or by others.

    Although you know I don’t like that you must do this in order to cope,to be in control,to appear normal… to be hugged. I do understand, as you have made me do so. I thank you for that. Whatever it takes… remember?

    You are hugged every day, in my thoughts. And you are always loved… no matter what.

    • I love that you have written this post. I can feel how important it was for you to tell of your personal walk with self harm. It isn’t easy to talk about. In the walking along side and offering open arms to you, I know that sometimes, a hug is never enough.
      I hope that this is the right forum for my reply.
      I don’t think that you were referring to self harm as hugging yourself but rather, when receiving a hug, perhaps in that moment it might be enough to break the torment that you feel away and keep it from grasping so tightly around you.
      I watched my own child self harm. My answer to her cutting herself was to love her, to listen to her, to wrap my arms around her when she cried. My role in her life was not to point nor give her the razor and tell her, whatever you have to do to cut away your pain, do it.
      It is never okay to tell someone who self harms to do whatever they have to do in order to feel ‘normal.’ It is never okay to hurt yourself so that you feel in control or to cope. Self harm itself can be just as hurtful as other forms of abuse.
      It is not okay to be a supporter, a listener and to fight alongside a survivor and hand them the destructive tools to hurt themselves further.
      Instead, I will hold your hand when you cry; I will continue to wrap my arms around you. I will listen to your suffering. I will reaffirm that you are worth something and lovely. With hope and trust, I will keep my arms around you when the pieces of your life have fallen and I will help you pick them up one at a time with every step of your journey.
      I won’t hold the blade.

  3. Oh darling. I understand your pain my dear. I use to cut myself also. Though it didn’t last long thanks to my wonderful friends helping me and draging me out of that deep dark hole. I havnt cut for almost 12 months. I hope you can continue your journey to stop. And I hope all the best for you. And do not be ashamed, we all deal with things differently. The scars just prove a broken time that needed healing. It shows horror stories but also tell people that it gets better. Embrace your scars and know, that you can pull through.

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