Crazy and Abandoned

Crazy and Abandoned

I’m a sane person trapped in the mind of a crazy guy. I say it often; I feel it always. I’m banging on the bars wishing for someone to let me out, but there isn’t a door.

I’ve retreated. I know I have. I feel it. I stare at the ceiling wondering why. What’s the point? Why should I get up today? Who will notice?

It’s been like this a few weeks now. It has taken me a while to figure it out. I have fought hard to not fall into some pit. My voice has been silent. It still is. I have to make it talk. Every word is forced.

I gave a voice to a child and he has gone. He’s taken most of me with him. It has made me cold. Blank. Nasty to some extent. I know I am doing it, yet I don’t know how to stop it.

I don’t want to talk. It isn’t that I have nothing to say. It is that I don’t see the point in saying. I feel my worthlessness once more. It shrouds me like a dark blanket.

I’m forgetting what I am fighting for.

Abandonment caused this. I can reason. I can tell myself to shut up and deal with it, but my mind isn’t listening. It’s a hard issue to face and to even understand. I’m only just getting it myself.

I’ve learned that it’s a trigger. The slightest abandonment and I am triggered to no end. Anything from a cancelled meet up with friends, to the end of a relationship. It brings out not the feelings of the current situation, but years and years of abandonment. It makes me react bigger than the situation warrants.

It turns every insult back on myself. I have not looked in a mirror for weeks; no more than I have to. I lower my eyes when I pass one. It’s almost done without a thought now.

I cancelled a house party invite because my first thought was, why did they invite me? Necessity? I don’t fit in. There or anywhere, so I didn’t go. That is a chance to see the disappointment of me reflected in the eyes of others avoided.

It’s a slippery slope going backwards, and the sane part of me is digging his feet in and trying to hold on. But I feel the crazy part is going to win out. The child inside. The sad part that doesn’t want to talk anymore.

He got abandoned a few weeks ago. I hacked up my arms and almost got myself hospitalised (see above for overreactions) and now I’ve detached.

I have no tools to come back. No way to look at what happened and not feel every single bit of pain from that and every other moment it brought up and triggered off, like a chain reaction in a mine field.

It is the same lesson time and time again.

Maybe I should just learn it and graduate.

Everyone leaves.


5 thoughts on “Crazy and Abandoned

  1. Of all your posts, this one was the hardest to read. I was there- or not there on the day that you were recently triggered with abandonment. There wasn’t a way to erase it. There isn’t anything to say or do. It cant be rewound and because I was the one who helped set off the trigger there is an overwhelming feeling of complete helplessness because I just cant undo it. Period.
    Its been weeks but the repercussions are still here. I can wrap my arms around you but perhaps you cannot feel them. I can tell you that I love you but maybe you cant hear me.
    You are not worthless. The lies that you believe are exactly that. Lies.
    Not everyone leaves. But the people who should have loved you; they left you. The left you long before they physically walked away from you. Leaving is more than walking away. Sometimes leaving is when you stop caring, stop nurturing, stop hugging and smiling and respecting someone.
    That kind of leaving is the worst kind and I think its possible that when you watched them walk away from you, those are the feelings that cut the deepest. The ones that confirmed that they did not care about you enough to keep you with them.
    I shall never do that to you and yes, this is a public forum. But if I can freely admit that I was the cause of the trigger, I can freely say that I love you and I shall never let you go.
    I will keep my arms around you. I will wipe the tears of the sad child within and I will hold out my hand to him and never grow tired of wanting him to put his hand into mine.
    Every new day is a reason for him to say, I am worthy.

  2. No. Everyone does not leave. Try talking to God. I struggle with the same hurt and abandonment issues you talk about and God always reminds me He loves me and is listening. His voice comes through in Jesus, in the kindness of others, in ordinary things like a bird or dragonfly flying across our field of vision.

    People who read and share your blog do it because you are valuable. Don’t give up. I am praying for you.

    Hebrews 13:5

    • Amen I agree God will never leave you.I am a spouse of a man who was abused for 13yrs.In all sorts of ways.We have been married 24yrs.and he has came a long way.I tell him all the time to rely on God.Even when you think he is not there he is.

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