Sleep and Anger

Sleep and Anger.

This will be one of those posts that isn’t really about anything. Nothing more than getting the crap out of my head after an awful night. 

I’m angry. Im not angry at anyone but it’s making me angry at everyone. Anyone that dares speak to me today is likely to get the head bitten off. I’m sure that I’ll be full of apologies later, but there’s all this anger inside and nowhere for it to go, so it’s going here, via my insane ramblings because it’s all I have.

And I’m tired. I just want one night where I sleep. One might where I’m not afraid. Not even 10 minutes last night and I was startled awake by the stupid crap that goes around in my head. Then it was a night of terror. I have no one to get mad at for it. No one to shout and yell and ask why the hell I have this. Why did this have to be my life and what I got?

I wish he’d go away. I wish the bad man would leave me alone. I’m tired and I’m done with him. I don’t want him here anymore, but there’s no way out. No way to stop it once it goes dark.

Sometimes I think it would have been better if they’d have just took it that step to far. Put me out of my misery at the time. It would be better than this.

All I see is faces. His face. I feel his hands. I see others. Tables. Children. Trees and darkness. A million memories I can’t quite reach. They feel like a movie in my head that I can’t get rid of.

I’m bound to everything.
Bound in silence.
Bound here.
Bound in memories.
Bound to tables.
Bound in darkness.
Bound while they watched.
Bound while my mother laughed at what was happening to me.
Bound to everything.

I wish my mother were here. I wish there was a way I could take all this out of me and give it back to her. I wish I could show her what she’s done.

I can’t even show my father because I see him and he shows me how it’s my fault and it makes me feel bad about it.

There’s no where for it to go and I’m not going to self harm today.

I’m not.

I won’t cut it away. So I’m writing here and trying to make it disappear, but all I feel is anger.

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21 thoughts on “Sleep and Anger

  1. I’m glad you put it here, instead of a blade into your skin.

    I wish you could have that one night of uninterrupted sleep you so desperately crave… and deserve.

    That all those memories would dry up and be carried away on the wind, like the dust from the bones of a long dead monster that you have killed off within your writings.

    The flashbacks of peering eyes, mocking laughter, cruel words; the complete and utter terror you feel each time you close your eyes and begin to drift off, the vigilance, the silence; I wish it would all just stop.

    I wish the haunting would end.

    I wish you could put all of your pain, your sadness, and yes, your anger, exactly where it belongs; with the ones who deserve it… with them.

    I wish he would stop.

    I wish for your questions to be answered someday.

    I’m glad you didn’t take that step that would’ve indeed been too far.

    I wish peace for you. Soon.

    ~ Hugs ~

  2. I am not a medical doctor or trained counselor but I would think that the anger is a good thing….it shows that you are not sitting back and accepting that this is all your fault. And you are putting your anger here, on this blog today, and not on your body. I can’t even begin to imagine how your physical body survives just on the few hours of rest that you ARE able to get each day. You will be on the top of my prayer list…and I know that there are nay-sayers and non-believers but I truly believe that there is Deity and he cares about each one of us. My prayers are nothing special buy they will be offered up for you for a good night’s sleep from the nightmares you have each night. If and when you receive that first free night if sleep, will you please come back and tell me? That way I can offer praise to the ONE who is due all the glory…..may you find peace my friend, from all of the horrible things those “people” did to you.

  3. I am personally glad that they never took it that one step further. I would never had gotten the pleasure of meeting you (eerrrr…well sort of …online meeting you). Your story would have never been told and we would have lost something really great!! I like being angry, that’s when I am the most motiviated and in a state of acceptance regarding change.

    “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” – Mark Twain

  4. Anger should be let out and you are right to let it out on paper. I am happy that you decided not to hurt yourself . If you need someone to yell at, you can always call me! I can take it! I pray also to my God for you Phoenix. That the demons will leave you in peace. Even though we have never met in person, you have become a person I truly love and care for. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” John 15: 12-14

  5. I’m kinda pumped with this anger thing. Is that boy inside chancing to stand up again and say you’re the nut, all I do is try and try and try, you’re the one insane, you’re the one BAD, I just want to be good and you won’t LET ME.

    Get pissed, cause you damn well should. And if you only get it out on paper, hallelujah! You’re getting it out, you’re finding a way, disassociate this shit from your mind, body, life. Refuse its existence, stomp on it, KILL it, feed the good wolf, tell the bad wolf to fuck off you’re not playing the puppet, you want your body back, your mind back, and you will not serve it anymore, you will find a way, if it’s the last thing you do, to be rid of it once and for all, and then you’re going to turn around and take all the bullshit they put on your life and use it to set other captives FREE.

    I got my pom poms ready, we all do, ready to cheer you on toward that freedom that I know is coming.

  6. I’m going to miss your comments, postings, jokes, etc. while you work on your degree. It’s great you’re going to do that, but still I know we’ll miss you being around as much. When I read things like this it makes me want to fly over there and go with you to their house and beat the crap outta of them. But I know that’s not going to happen, and it should not because then you’d be the one in trouble (and me — heh). I wish you could prosecute them. Perhaps then you could move on. But if that is not possible, just know that you have a lot of people in the world who are rooting for YOU and want YOU to succeed and be happy — and not have to deal with all of this any longer in your head. 😦

    xxxooo

  7. As someone who has also struggled with self-harm, I am learning thru reading a book called, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle how to separate myself from my thoughts… He says that WE are not our thoughts, and Our THOUGHTS are not us… There is the Inner being deeper than our minds, and when our minds start to overwhelm us, it is possible to quiet the thoughts and find a moments peace… I have tried this, and it works. FIRST: Accept your thoughts… Say something like, “ok. I hear you, but I am not going to listen to you right now.” SECOND: Focus on your breathing… IN, pause, OUT, pause, repeat… Focus on the sounds around you. Focus on your body… Every sensation you are currently feeling… He says, Listen for the silence beyond the noise… THIRD: Let your mind be still… You don’t have to be thinking about anything… Don’t define the sounds you hear, your breath, your body… Just let it be… EMPTY…
    It is a beautiful moment when you can come away from the pain and have a moment of peace…

    Also: if there is one thing I have learned thru my healing process, it is acceptance. I have been hurt… A LOT… Every single form of abuse a person can experience I have… But the more I resist the things I have been thru, and try to hide them, or hide from them, the more power I give them… But if I can accept them, I have the power… I HAVE the control… They can’t hurt me anymore. I can say, “Yes, I was sexually abused. Yes, I was abandoned by my mother, YES, I was torn down spiritually, mentally and physically… Those things happened… But THEY are NOT happening now, and I AM NOT defined by them. I DEFINE WHO I AM! NO one gets to tell me what I am or what I am not… If you can accept your life, accept that you have been hurt, and accept that you are not being hurt NOW, in this exact moment… It takes the power away from the memories. Memories are only powerful if you let them be… You can overpower them and say, YES, that happened, but it is not happening now, so I do not have to think about that right now… Right now, I am going to focus on THIS moment and what is REAL in my life NOW…

    That book literally was a catalyst that changed my life… I have moments where I start to get overwhelmed, but I always know that if things get too bad, I can find peace deep within myself under the thoughts and memories. 🙂

    Kia

  8. Its so hard not to get angry to know what you went through as a child and still deal with as an adult. Why did an innocent child have to endure such physical, mental, and sexual abuse? Why were you born into that family? Why didn’t your parents give you the unconditional love you deserved? Why does your father to this day treat you like the bad guy, like you are not part of his family? These are questions that will never be answered. How can you not be angry?

    You have every right in the world to be angry. Its so easy to get angry and short tempered when your mind and body are not getting rest. I wish with all my heart that one day soon you will be able to lay down and close your eyes and have a peaceful nights sleep.

    I think it’s healthy for you to blow off the steam when the pressure makes you feel like you could explode. I’m glad you have this outlet. Most of all I hope you see how much love and support people have for you. ❤

  9. Pingback: Haven’t been able to write « If Happy Ever After Did Exist…

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