Sleep and Anger.
I’m angry. Im not angry at anyone but it’s making me angry at everyone. Anyone that dares speak to me today is likely to get the head bitten off. I’m sure that I’ll be full of apologies later, but there’s all this anger inside and nowhere for it to go, so it’s going here, via my insane ramblings because it’s all I have.
And I’m tired. I just want one night where I sleep. One might where I’m not afraid. Not even 10 minutes last night and I was startled awake by the stupid crap that goes around in my head. Then it was a night of terror. I have no one to get mad at for it. No one to shout and yell and ask why the hell I have this. Why did this have to be my life and what I got?
I wish he’d go away. I wish the bad man would leave me alone. I’m tired and I’m done with him. I don’t want him here anymore, but there’s no way out. No way to stop it once it goes dark.
Sometimes I think it would have been better if they’d have just took it that step to far. Put me out of my misery at the time. It would be better than this.
All I see is faces. His face. I feel his hands. I see others. Tables. Children. Trees and darkness. A million memories I can’t quite reach. They feel like a movie in my head that I can’t get rid of.
I’m bound to everything.
Bound in silence.
Bound in memories.
Bound to tables.
Bound in darkness.
Bound while they watched.
Bound while my mother laughed at what was happening to me.
Bound to everything.
I wish my mother were here. I wish there was a way I could take all this out of me and give it back to her. I wish I could show her what she’s done.
I can’t even show my father because I see him and he shows me how it’s my fault and it makes me feel bad about it.
There’s no where for it to go and I’m not going to self harm today.
I won’t cut it away. So I’m writing here and trying to make it disappear, but all I feel is anger.