Anger

Anger.

Why am I not angry?

I have talked a little about this in recent posts. Or maybe a lot.

I wonder why I am not angry at my parents for what they did. I haven’t ever been; not really. I can get angry when my father is spouting his rubbish at me over the phone, but after, then it’s gone, and what is left is some kind of sorrow that I can’t shift.

I think I need anger to help me focus and see what was right and what was wrong. If I can get angry at the wrong maybe I can see what was right.

I need to experience the anger. I don’t think I have reached that. I read about recovering from childhood abuse and understand that an abused person has to grieve. I do not think I have done this. I don’t think I have even reached acceptance.

Yesterday, it felt as though I was crying on the inside. I couldn’t shake the feeling for most of the day.  When I talked to people and laughed and smiled, it was so forced that I was sure they could see it wasn’t real.

When I think of the things my parents have done and I put the blame on their shoulders, why do I feel nothing? It is almost like I can’t connect to the anger that is there and I can’t link it to them. The only portion of anger and hatred I can feel is towards myself.

I don’t understand why, but I am trying.

Maybe it is fear. Maybe if I get angry at them, then I have to blame them, and that leads to accepting that they did these things.

I have to find the starting thread of a very tangled web and somehow begin to unravel it. I wish I could be angry that I have any of this in the first place.

That little boy deserves me to be angry and to fight his corner.

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11 thoughts on “Anger

  1. I am no psychologist and have no experience in child abuse. However, the grieving process is the same no matter what is lost or taken. I feel the reason you can’t be angry at your parents is the mere fact that you haven’t put the blame on them. I feel first you have to accept that you were not at fault. That your abuse was at their hands. Since you harbor all the blame and you only have taken all the responsibility in this as being your fault then the anger is only directed at yourself. I think a person will always blame the one person they hold responsible for thier suffering and unfortunately, you feel that is you. xoxoxoxo Always a friend!!!

  2. JD, I hope you can find it within yourself to get angry at the ones who abused you…finally!
    When and if you do…I can not explain the feeling. You are going to have to experience that for yourself. It will be a weight lifted from your shoulders and dropping to your knees. A relief within! A beginning.
    ~HUGS JD to you and your family~

  3. I think you’re on a good track with your line of thinking. Keep on truckin and you will find yourself at the right thread you need to unravel. I see great things coming in your future. I know it doesn’t make today feel a whole lot better, and I’m sorry about that part. But you have a lot of friends in your corner that are ready to do whatever it takes to see you through to the other side of this.

    I want you to get back that anger I saw a few times in your stories. But the very few times I saw it directed in the right place, it was punished so hard, it crushed things in you. It crushed me to read it. I remember thinking, YES, tell them! And then when the punishment came, it was like the wind of hope left my sails when I saw what it cost you. And that was only from reading it, i can’t even imagine what it did to the person experiencing it.

    You have a great war with anger inside you. It’s there but stuck and trapped with you. I think your righteous anger, or correct anger that helps you deal properly with this is trapped inside the little boy, afraid still. And you’re right, it’s like we need the anger to process things like that properly. I think just becoming aware of this is the beginning of that solution. Keep on.

  4. Anger the emotion can be repressed- you can feel disconnected from -anger –you will process it when you are ready.
    Anxiety, OCD, depression, are all repressed anger.
    I read a story where a gentleman just like you felt he had to get the anger out so he could move one. He placed himself in a room with just a pillow. He began to punch it and felt silly for doing so but finally on the fourth punch all the anger exploded outward until the pillow was destroyed.
    Physical beating of the pillow and release of the anger was far better than directed at himself. I have heard of people beating the ground with a baseball bat. Doing something physical is the best way of starting the process of anger release.
    I am not a professional…But there is some logic here.
    God can help you process the feeling you need to process.

    Many Hugs and kind wishes and compliments to you!
    God Bless
    Beverley

    • Yep I suffer OCD, I was officially diagnosed with it in 2006. I was told that its like a pressure cooker, because the pressure (anger) builds, it needs an outlet, and seeps out the edges in the form of OCD.

      When I was being treated for my OCD, I found myself being quite angry at anything really. Sadly therapy was only allowed 12 sessions for this and we never go to the root of it. I just learned to manage.

  5. Opps left out sentence..To continue from my above comment..I was also gonna say; I believe whatever way you choose to release the anger [in a good way] will happen. I have confidence in you…I believe you are already headed toward that…

  6. I agree with a lot of the previous comments. The only thing I have to add is that I think it is innate for children to love their parents unconditionally. And to place blame or gear anger toward them brings on feelings of guilt and shame. So it’s understandable not to be angry with them. But at the same time I think displaced anger causes turmoil within ones self.

    The sorrow you feel is probably from the loss of the relationship you maybe wished you had with them.

    It’s a double edged sword, damned if you do damned if you don’t. Sorry I couldn’t put a positive spin on it. I hope you find that thread and YES that little boy does deserve you to fight in his corner.

  7. Well JD anger is a crazy feeling,back in 1990 I lost 13 friends in a mass shooting in a little place called Aramoana in New Zealand,yes we new the killer the police shot him,I have never felt anger to him,but to all the people that enable him.welfare workers,gun shops,his relations who hadn’t bothered with him after his mum died,,he was of limited inteligence ,left to his own devices ,collecting guns AK 47 mainly..at times my anger was more of a ,why didn’t he just shot no good people,instead of children,women and old men,who I still miss.I can pity the killer.I wish I could be angry with him it might make me feel better..We owned a fish shop he would come in every Friday with his mum,and would touch the fish to show mum what he wanted,hey I use to get angry with this as I had to throw out the fish.,may be if he wasn’t shot he would be there to put anger on,.I use to punch trees to let out anger.i wish guns were not so easy to be brought.we now live only 1 hr away from Port Arthur where another large mass shoot happened.I think we all in Tassie are anger he wasn’t killed.once again a person who slipped threw the system.How can one not feel anger to the greedy gun owners once more,and it is still going on.any way JD when your minds ready for the anger you will feel it and may it help you. (((((HUGS))))) xx

  8. Pingback: am still angry ~ so angry « Singing over the bones & rising from the ashes

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