The revenge of Yes-Man

The revenge of Yes-Man.

If there’s ever a post I regret putting online its yes-man. Not because I regret my words. I meant them. I still do. But they were mine, meant for me. A sort of pep talk to myself to say its okay if once in a while I said no. I thought posting it up I was just sharing. It’s there for anyone else with the same problems to see and there for others to just read.

What I didn’t expect was the repercussions of it. And good god did I not expect them. I’m not sure why people have taken it to act on what I said and now assume they are bothering me so they need to leave me alone. I don’t recall handing out boxes of kid gloves at the end of my post for people to wear and use to handle me with.

I hate being treated like glass. Like I’m going to break. Maybe that sounds harsh, selfish even. I know people mean everything with the best intentions, but what gets lost along the way is I’m a man. On here, this is the broken part of me. The bits I get stuck at. The pain I have to let out. But really it’s just a little part of me, not all of me.

I’m crying inside, not me but the child. A boy I was, locked inside in pain. His sadness is there. Sometimes I’m sure he’s going to take me down and have me curled on the floor sobbing for all I’m worth.

Then there’s the man, the anger, confusion, frustration. He’s not sure if he should point at the boy or point at the parents, sometime he’s so locked in doing both he wants to rip his own head off.

That was me today. The man. We did a thing today in class on my course about safety. Feeling it. Of course I couldn’t think of a single thing. I realised I’ve never felt safe. Not once. I’m always looking over my shoulder and always have.

I’m not sure what this triggered for me. I wrote about it, no doubt I’ll post it another time, but what I got left with was feeling miserable. Sad little boy took over and I felt helpless. I was hiding him. My smile was fake and forced, there was so much inside he wanted to let out but couldn’t.

I realised in general I don’t have a support system. But Yes-man I see stole that from me tonight with his negative effect. Everyone saying something along the lines of, your not feeling good today, I’ll leave you alone. Or you don’t have a lot to say ill leave you alone and I’m bothering your evening, I’ll leave you alone.

So what happened?

I got left alone. The people that care about me, decided to act on yes-man and give me what they thought I wanted. It’s hard not to be mad. Mad because no one asked me. But I have to answer this with, their intentions were good.

The downside is, I was alone, when what I wanted was someone, anyone I guess.

It’s all become such a mess I’m not sure how to undo it. People treat me in premeditated ways. Their actions are thought out and I can feel it with each of them, so they get a guarded piece of me back, one that acts accordingly to them.

In many ways I wish people that knew me, didn’t know my story. Then they’d treat me like they treat any person, but on the other side, I wish I just had someone I could talk to, someone that isn’t so emotionally involved they try to fix everything for me.

I just need someone that wants to listen and will treat me like a normal person.

14 thoughts on “The revenge of Yes-Man

  1. Please don’t get mad at me (anyone) for saying this, your blog was not funny but I literally laughed out load at the four comments left.

    I’m sorry you feel like people treat you with kid gloves or try to fix you. I’m sure their intentions are not to hurt your feelings. (watch me make you lol if you think I’m one of them) 🙂

    It’s hard to put yourself out there for fear of rejection or whatever but reach out to someone. I just did it tonight with Gloria, we didn’t talk on line or text, I called her. She gets me, she understands and it feels great to have someone listen. I know it’s nice if someone comes to you of their own accord but if you’re feeling lonely or in need of a friend take the initiative. I know two of the four women above and I know (if you were referring to them) they were trying to be respectful but would have definitely been there if you would have taken the first step.

    My phone is being stupid and won’t let me scroll up to see what I’ve rambled about so hopefully it’s not offensive :/ besides its the middle of the night and you can chalk it up to my insomnia induced insanity.

    • I popped back in to see what I actually wrote since I couldn’t read it as I typed.

      Yeah that was loud not load

      And bwt there is no such thing as normal 🙂

  2. JD,
    I haven’t done that to you and if I did i would apologize for doing it. I hate it when people assume that is what i meant and then I am standing there so totally alone that I want to scream.
    Our time differences make it hard to be on at the same time but just so you can be sure…I will never treat you like that.
    I hope this doesn’t cause you to change how and what you post. Don’t hold back because a few thought they were doing what you wanted. And try not to blame them. That’s just it…THEY DON’T KNOW! The rest of us…we love you JD. 🙂
    HUGS JD to you and your family

  3. “Then there’s the man, the anger, confusion, frustration. He’s not sure if he should point at the boy or point at the parents, sometime he’s so locked in doing both he wants to rip his own head off.”

    Yo, JD. (Matthew, teen: DID system) We used to do that all the time. I mean bad. You know the thing. “Self-harm”. Since I’m sorta the ‘defender’ of the system they got onto me about this sort of thing – tho’ I still get somewhat mad at ‘him’, the inner child, I love him.

    Thing is – or was – we had to put the blame game DOWN man. I mean finally we are ‘healed’ a good deal from all that by doing that. We finally quit looking for someone to blame and figured no one was really to blame; it was just our life and ‘things’. Our parents bad as they were – well, you know.. And ourselves going along with ‘it’ some of the times. A lot of blame in there.

    But we finally solved things (sort of) by realizing that we are all human. They are human. THEY were pursuing some sort of goal in regards to their own happiness. You got sacrificed for that somewhat. So did we. Our inner child is still hurting but so much better now that we love and forgive him. we realize he was seeking his own happiness, too, in his own ways, in the only ways he can. He’s a hurt being but can be cured by your love.

    Sorry about that social stigma stuff. The ‘kid gloves’. I’ll wear ’em sometimes, but not much. I guess you know that, re the above.

    It’s hard man, I know it is. But you’re tough.
    After all, you survived the stuff.
    Maybe you should see if you can get those others to realize that. Maybe not. Selective processing I reckon; chose your friends wisely and who you’re gonna tell. As for what’s out – well, just be ‘tough’ and realize that they are trying their best to help you in some kind of way.

    Most people find this ‘disturbing’ (child molestation stuff). But I don’t. Just so you know there, dude.
    Been there done that had it done, too. :/
    Good luck, and keep it up: the good healing. And try not to get ‘stuck’. Okay?

    • Hey Matthew thank you for replying to me. As always I look at what people are telling me and I can understand what you said about the blame part. Its just damn hard to do. I try and listen to the inner child as much as possible and when his voice is coming out when I am writing, I hear him and I see his tears. When he talks I wish I could make it better for him.

      • “I wish I could make it better for him.” That is a huge step. The next is really FEELING it – you love for him. That’s really hard when you are playing the blame game. Learning to forgive through understanding his part – his role – helps. Being aware he was only seeking happiness helps a LOT for me/us – a hellava lot. Because ‘we’ are able to give him happiness some – a lot. Because we don’t care what he did. He is OUR child. And we’re gonna love him like that. Just our opinion, of course. I think you are on the crux; the verge. Just keep trying to help yourself and him – that helps a lot. And it takes time for that ‘realization’ to sink in – a whole lot sometimes. We’re still working with several of our teenage alters on ‘things’ – it’s like walking up a cliff! with someone throwing stones down at ya – but with soft love (vs grit and determination) we’ve found it can be done. Albeit a little bit at a time.

        Know that you know ‘we’ love your inner child some – all of “them” – inner children everywhere. It really was not their fault what was done to them; how they were / might have been “led astray”. What matters is how we love them now. Just a thought, BTW – and one we’re hanging onto.

        Our wife says since we became ‘this way’ (loving our inner selves and letting them ‘out’ from time to time) we have become much more fun; seem happier, more fullfilled. I don’t know about that, but I know I’ve been a lot happier this past year or so than I have most of my life. Ever since we “done it” (that’s the boy’s voice there) – helping ourselves come together . . . by taking ourselves apart some. (wry smile).

        Hang in there, JD. You’ve done some good for everyone. Including yourself, it seems. 😀

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