Roller coaster week

What an odd week I have had.

So many things have gone on that my head feels like it’s on some odd kind of rollercoaster ride and I can’t quite get off

I lost a friend this week, a friend that acted in a cruel manner and I broke my making it to 1st October with the self-harm issue because I’m not equipped for such conflict. My count is back to zero. It had built up so much inside that I just had to let it out. It even made me ill enough that I got sent home from University. While I feel a lot of guilt that I gave into my own self-destructive behaviour, it was such a relief. It was like being able to breathe.

Of course, it hasn’t fixed the situation, I think it is probably for the best in many ways. I have days of wanting to be silent and days of talking. It’s too much to expect someone who doesn’t understand to handle I wonder if I should blame my parents for stealing my present too or if I should somehow tell myself to just deal with this and make myself get on with life.

I wrote today. It’s a part that has taken me a long time to do. It’s probably one of the hardest parts for me to write. It brings about so many feelings and so much anger that I don’t really know what to do with them. It feels like I can’t scream loud enough or I can’t get my words out. Nothing I will say will take away what I feel inside.

I think some part of me gets mad at the place I got sent; that it even exists at all. We read in the papers or see on the television often about how some person got arrested and had hundreds of indecent pictures of children on their computers. This is how the law cracks down on child pornography.

While I understand this part of the action, I don’t recall ever seeing news that the police closed down such a place where these images are made.

What about the poor children who are in these pictures? What about the adults that are also with them and doing many disturbing things? When will the law crack down on child pornography that way?

My father was a great one for that. He would rant and rave about these kinds of people that had these images. I would stand there and think really? It almost feels like I lived a different life to the morals he seems to spout to the world.

I remember coming back from such a place as this and my father asking me if I had had a good weekend. I was seven. What was I supposed to say to him? Yes? Should I spit out the horrors that I had just endured?

In my mind, I thought he didn’t know where I was or what I had been doing. He never spoke about it. I just got collected and delivered like goods. The things my parents said in normal life were the opposite of their actions on the other side.

I don’t think I know how to put it all together and tell my mind that my parents knew exactly where they had sent me; that it was their choice so, when my father asked, I had no choice but to nod in silence and tell him that I had.

Inside, I had died; even more so when I listened to the tales from my brother about everything that I had missed whilst I was gone. The things he had done with the family. A trip out to the funfair, a drive up to the country, new toys, new games, clothes, sweets, books. Everything that I didn’t have. I could never work out what I was doing wrong.

I wish there was a way I could get this all out in words. That I could take it out and put it here and leave it. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say to make it go away.

I guess this is kind of a ramble of things.

On a plus note, I got some replies from volunteering. Perhaps, at least, I can help someone else along the way.

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8 thoughts on “Roller coaster week

  1. You keep going.
    No matter what it takes.
    Rambling, Writing. Helping others. etc…
    Whatever it takes.
    You keep going.
    You do it for YOU.
    Period.
    ~ Hugs ~

  2. I am very proud that you try to express your feelings into words.

    You know that self harm may help you express feelings you can’t put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain. Afterwards, you probably feel better—at least for a little while. But then the painful feelings return- you deserve to feel better, and you can get there without hurting yourself.

    So I pray that you will get to that place.

    You know Self-harm can become addictive and seems impossible to stop therefore I am proud when you try to have goals to reach days of no self harm.

    May God help you use different coping methods. paint, draw, write a poem, take a cold shower and then wrap up in a warm blanket, sing, shout, get a massage, exercise.
    Maybe use a red marker to mark where you would have self harmed….. and then NOT self harm…..it’s okay…
    keep writing…

    You are a wonderful young man..try to believe that…God Loves You!
    Keep moving forward; don’t give up….You can do it…yes you can….
    Beverley

  3. Keep on writing your feelings into words on paper. Keep on socializing with friends that make you smile. Just keep on ! You are unique and important to many especially me. ❤

  4. I’m sorry but yes I think you should blaim your parents for your present troubles but I preach it but find it hard to do is you cannot control what other people say or do you can only control the way you react to it. Good advice but it is really hard to follow sometimes.

    So you faltered and are starting over with your self-harm no shame in that just pick yourself up and start again, one day at a time.

    I really hope you get the volunteer position you want, I think you would be great at helping others.

  5. I have no doubt that it is something that the monster can not face up too. I worry that is he was confronted about it all that he would say you were delusional and made the whole story up. He is too evil to ever come clean and apologize for his actions. But his time will come and he will have to face every minute of the torment he put you through. He is not worthy of kissing your boot when you go by. I know that writing is making it all hard to deal with right now, but when you finish getting it all out. You can look at it all, take one copy or your notes and have a detox ceremony. In the process of healing I have relived all the hell, I have named my main tormentors. Now the hurt, the hell, anything that bothers you is being burned. Say to your self I do not have to look upon this ever again, I will not think about it again. I am a wonderful, charming, Handsome fellow with a hell of a great accent. I have accomplished more that most people would ever dream about enduring. I am one hell of a guy and I will go on with my life without looking back. I know it is easy to say but when you have something come up to make you remember, you can say I do not have to deal with that I through it all away it is gone. Take that chick magnet granddaughter for a walk in the park, she can make you forget your ABC’s.
    My youngest two grandsons are the most wonderful reason for living for me all of mine are.

  6. I’m sorry you lost a friend. That is so hard. I know the feeling also. It’s hard to trust when you feel like you ask for very little to begin with, and then when you finally do, they look at you like you’ve grown two heads and say no. However, extroverts say that you’ll never know unless you ask. They say that sometimes you have to ask 10 people to get one yes, and they let it roll right off their shoulders. lol!

    i don’t cut, but I eat too much (daily struggle) and when I’m really stressed, I bite the inside of my cheek so hard that suddenly I feel the blood running inside my mouth and didn’t even realize I’d done it until then! All coping mechanisms whatever they may be.

    So chin up. It’s no good making yourself feel bad for this also. It’s another day, and you’ve made it this far and will continue to make it day-by-day.

    xoxoxo

    Joy

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