They say absence makes the heart grow stronger.

This is true.

Not just for people, but for things and activities; anything that we are absent from makes it sit at the forefront of our minds for every waking minute.

I have this today at sixteen days; sixteen days of abstaining from self-harm.

I made a deal with myself that I would make it to the 1st October. Sort of a deal with my own pain. The 1st October will mark two years since the loss of my daughter. So it was an unspoken promise to her, in a way. I guess it was something that I could aim for and focus on.

As the days go on, I’ve found myself feeling a different way. There was even a couple of days that I could look at myself in the mirror and know who I was. I wrote a little too.

But each day that thing; the self-harm, becomes louder in my mind. It’s screaming and holding my chest and I can’t breathe because I want it so bad. It sneaks through my body to my mind and today, I have asked myself, why I am abstaining?

I can’t think of a reason. Perhaps, because people say it’s wrong or because health professionals and society say it shouldn’t be done.

What is wrong in it?

It’s only like taking medicine and easing pain; a pain that real medicine can’t reach.

I’m not hurting anyone.

I’m just cutting something open and letting the pain come out.

Why is that bad?


12 thoughts on “Absence.

  1. Hello JD! My name is Stephanie. We don’t know one another, but I have read both the Teddy books and the Phoenix book and I have become such a fan of yours that I check the site everyday to read your most recent blogs. 
    I always want to respond to your blogs but chicken out thinking that you will think I am some weirdo. Well today I decided what the hey I am goin for it! 
     Self-harm isn’t wrong because society says it is or because doctors are against it, it is wrong because you are harming yourself. You have been through so much and I can totally see how self-harm could be a release for all that has built up within you, but it is wrong because you and your body has been through so much that your body, as undeserving that it may seem, shouldn’t have to go through any more pain, damage, and suffering.  I know that within you, you may not feel important or valuable but if you would just step out of yourself and see what others do, you will see that you are a deserving person and an awesome writer! I know I am just some stranger but I care for you and I thank you for welcoming me into your life with your books and blogs and I only hope that you can realize that what happened to you was beyond wrong and that you should feel no blame whatsoever for the things that have happened to you. Thank You JD!

    • Hi Stephanie. I want to thank you for reading here and my books, don’t ever hesitate to comment, if anything it’s me thinking out loud and I only have one path to think on, when others come alone such as yourself and say something it’s like being offered a hand to a different thought. So thank you.

  2. I have heard that argument so much and indeed used it myself. I guess what it comes down to is medicine eases the pain but deep down, self harm adds to it. It knocks even more off my self worth and self confidence and self esteem to see us hurting ourselves and thinking we deserve it. I don’t know if that makes sense. It does in my head. I understand though, the urge. I am fighting it a lot at the moment. Take care.

  3. I noticed you were quiet today, I see why. I hate to hear of you harming yourself, you have suffered enough pain. Sixteen days is great, hang in there, one day at a time.

  4. I to say one day at a time JD,make it till the 1stOct,then set another goal,your wee girl will be looking down with pride,at daddy.Self harm might give relief but us who care a lot get hurt by it also,be strong JD ((((HUGS)))) xxxxx

  5. Hi JD:

    I just wanted to say; I am proud of you. I am proud to see you trying to abstain from self harm.
    Remember you are beautiful; the poem was devoted to you from the beginning.
    God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Keep moving forward one step at a time.
    Even if it’s baby steps.

    I too am praying for you. Every time I hear that whisper that I shouldn’t tell you I am proud of you and that I am praying for you; I remember that it is a evil voice. SO I am not listening and I am tellin you.

    I can’t think of anyone in this world that I am praying for any more than you and rooting for you. Other than my own children.
    I am walking along side of you across the ocean on this side of the world.

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