Yesterday I wrote about forgiveness and how to do it, almost after I had posted it and replies came in, it occurred to me that perhaps it isn’t my father or even my mother that I have to forgive. Perhaps it is the little boy himself that needs the forgiveness.
I’ve hated him for a very long time, to the point if anyone asked me I would say, I would happily push him down the stairs and hope it hurt for the things he did. But I have to ask myself, if he were a real child stood in front of me, if he was anyone but me, would I do that to him and no of course I wouldn’t I would never hurt a child.
In a way it is like I am on the side of my mother and father, I help them to abuse him even more because I blame him. I get asked many times if I think I could confront him about the things he has done and I can’t, not that I am afraid of him, but if I confront him, then he will know that he abused me and I don’t want to hurt him. How strange is that? But it’s what I feel and I think, points to I actually have to accept that what my parents did was abuse, because I don’t, and I only call it that for the sake of here. When I was in therapy I could never say it out loud, it felt like I was lying, not about the events, but about the label.
I found myself nodding a lot to the replies I received yesterday; one of them was from someone named Lil, her words were so very true. Especially about my recent issues. I have a very hard time right now sticking to the decision of having my father out of my life. He doesn’t make it easy because he keeps emailing me and messaging me, of course none of them are nasty, in fact most of them are so nice its heartbreaking, because he is teasing me with exactly what Lil mentioned the answer to my craving for a parent. He’s showing me what I have longed for my entire life, but part of me knows that if I go back, he’ll snatch it right back again.
And here I am, full circle in my thoughts, I don’t accept that what they did was abuse, I don’t accept it because it’s my parents., I can’t let go of the belief and hope for the parental love back. I blame the little boy for what he did and making me who I am today, because if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have been abused and would have the relationship I so clearly want.
I need to forgive that child. I need to forgive myself.
wraps my arms around you.
Forgive yourself; Forgive the boy, he was defenseless. Forgive yourself . You deserve to forgive yourself. You are amazing. 🙂
Love yourself and it will stop the abuse and its after affects step by step.
You deserve Love.
I am stepping off my soap box.
You have taken another step forward. 🙂
Hugs to you and your family
Hi James, i’ve just read your reply to “forgiveness” and felt i needed to reply. First of all i’m glad my words helped you, thankyou that means alot.
The passage where u wrote if that little boy inside u was standing in front of u then u would want to hurt him hit my heart deep, u really do need to learn to forgive and embrace that little boy because he did what EVERY child would have done to survive the trama he went through on a dayly bases. From the moment when anyone is born our instinct for survival is an inbuilt mechanism, people only really achknwledge the choice to live or die when they get older. That little boy who was abused had no choice but to comply with what ever life threw at him in order to survive into the man he is today. You wrote in your book about the times u tryed to fight back and stand up for yourself by shouting and hitting out and u payed a very heavy price for doing so, so on a subconcious level u learnt from a very young age that compliance was the only way to survive. Adults have a choice, children don’t, they don’t have the ability to feed and clothe themselves and provide a roof over their head, they don’t know how to love themselves, that is taught by good loving parents. When someone beats u along side sexual assult and then someone shows u the affection and kindness u have craved for along side sexual assult its obvious that u are going to embrace the affection and do what is needed to get your most basic human needs met, (affection). When i was trying to make, and follow through with the decission to remove my parents from my life i kept asking myself these questions= If they were just general people in the street would i still want them in my life? do they bring anything to my life that is inportant or emotionally valuable to me? just because they have the title of “mother or father” does that give them THE RIGHT to be in my life? personally i answered no to all of those questions and in times of struggle or dought i kept asking myself those questions and all the time i answer “NO” then i know i am doing what is best for me. Loving yourself isn’t easy, and some people never get to that stage but first of all u need to learn to sit still and give that child within a cuddle and tell him it was ok to have done what ever was necessary in order to have survived into the man u are today, because if he hadn’t have survived then u wouldn’t have been able to bring hope and insperation to the people that u have touched through your books and sites u share on here with the world.
I’ve hugged and forgiven my inner child and i have learnt to allow her out to play now and again and have fun, and i actually think she is a great little kid 🙂
big hugs Lil x
((((Hugs)))) forgive youself for what James you did whatever any other child would have done. The abuse you went through was so unreal …stop beating yourself up.and if you feel you want to forgive your parents for such abuse, if it will make you have a little peace for yourself then do it..but only you can decide what you feel and what you really want ..take care of yourself ..
forgive yourself and be the best parent you can to your children… you will find forgiveness in your parental love…and in your childrens faces
You do need to forgive yourself and the little boy. The abuse was not caused by that child no matter how you look at it. Deep down you know this. I wish for you to find peace in your heart and soul.
Of course you don’t think of it as abuse,you were a little boy,you most likely thought all little boys were treated like that.I like Anna’s comments I could not have said it better.The love of your children,granddaughter and partner is more important,than the deceit of your parents,Block your father from all forms of communication ,you just don’t need him in your familys life.He dosn’t deservers a family of any sort. you take care. (((HUGS))) xxxxx
I wish it was as easy as that, I guess because the childhood craving was never filled, it’s never been able to go away.
Just… ~ Hugs ~
Hi J.D.! I am so happy to see that you are writing about your feelings again!! Trust me I am totally engrossed in Alley Kid, but by talking about your feelings and getting all this feedback I think you are continuing on with the healing process. I see how you don’t feel that you were abused but like one commenter said earlier, when you are a kid you think everyone’s life is like yours. However; unfortunealy now that you know all families are different you need to accept that you were abused. If what happened to you happened to your son or grandchild wouldn’t you call it abuse then? And I can see how you feel that guilt for what happened to you, but like all of us have said you were doing just what was necessary to survive. Have you ever heard of Manslow’s hierarchy of needs? Acceptance and love are even more important to a person than food and shelter for survival. JD you were just trying to survive–we all see it and hopefully you will soon see it too! No one deserves what you have been through! I am sorry that you were forced to face the evil of the world alone, but now you have tons of people ( including me) to help you through the past and that only want peace of mind and serenity for you!
hi Stephanie, thank you for reading and commenting, it’s been hard to express a lot of things recently and why I haven’t, mostly feeling in ways as I should just be quiet and get on with it, but it. it’s been so great the responses I have had to these last posts. I haven’t heard of manlow, I will look it up.
Reblogged this on survivorsjustice and commented:
This is a very powerful look into the abuse we continue to push on the child who was the victim. We blame them and are disgusted by the horrible acts they did. We don’t seem to acknowledge that they were forced to do those acts, had no choice in the matter. When we see the acts as something we did because……..then we will stop believing in the connection we need with the parents who abandoned and abused us. Thank you J. D. Stockholm for this fabulous share!!! Your book is a definite must read for me as these post allow me to see what lies inside. many hugs to help relieve your pain, (()) tricia mcknight
Thank you Tricia, I think sometimes we forget to look at ourselves as children, we get trained to see ourselves through our advisers eyes. thank you for reading and the re blog.
Hi James, we all have an inner child in us, but for abuse victims that child kinda stopped growing and stayed dormant from the moment of abuse. In a child that grows up in a healthy loving “normal” enviroment the inner child learns to grow and flourish along side the the person its inside, but for people who have been abused as children the inner child stays damaged and little untill our adult self can re-connect with it and help it through its journey of abuse and neglect to a point where the two can live intouch with each other and respect each other. Your inner child never grew up, he’s still laying dormant inside of you waiting for you to re-discover him and accept him for who he is and all the “mistakes” he made, he loves u and wants your love and acceptance back, the same way you wanted those things from your parents all those yrs ago. If you can find a way to nurture him into the person he was ment to be today and accept him for who he is and what he’s been through then you will have the strength to face all the other trauma’s that are swirling around in your life at the moment and start moving your life forward to a better place.
James type in lifecho on your comp and click on the words that say what is the role of a parent and have a good read, ask yourself did your parents do ALL these things for you? did your parents do SOME of these things for you? and lastly did your parents do ANY of these things for you? if you answered “no” to these questions then they failed you as parents, they failed that little boy inside you, and your dad is still failing you now, but its not too late for you to give yourself and your inner child all of those things, but you need to stop trying to put it right for your dad and start putting yourself first. He is a grown man and he knows the role he played in your childhood, whether you try to protect him from it or not. He is trying to redeem himself through your silence. His guilt is his cross to bear not yours, you have your own demons to handle but all the time you are trying to protect him your demons are running rampage through your mind and body to the point of self distruction. I know its easier to protect someone else than it is to stand still and reach deep within ourselves and face our own pain and try to deal with it, but your life won’t change untill you start to do this. I know the fear of that pain makes u think your litterally going to die, i’ve been there, i’ve past out in counciling, i’ve vomited in counciling, i’ve cryed so hard i couldn’t breath, i’ve lost all sensation in my body, but i went through it and i SERVIVED!! and i wouldn’t change the person i am today for that person back then. She will always be a part of me but she doesn’t engolf me anymore, and i’ve learnt to like myself, i’ve come from someone who couldn’t look anyone in the eye and who used to rock most of the time to someone who is exremly whitty and funny and who is loved and cherished by most people that i meet.
I have to thank you all for replying, I havent had a chance to sit down and go through them all yet, but I assure you I have read all of them, I think you all for the support I receive.
Reblogged this on denisegardner's Blog and commented:
Add your thoughts here… (optional)