I can’t reach.

Some days, like today feel as though I have just come out of a hole and the whole world moved on and I didn’t recall it happening. It feels like it’s been weeks, not just days since I have posted here, or written anything at all. I thank all those so much that did reply to my two forgiveness posts. I will reply to you, because the support I feel I get is so huge. I wish I could show each of you.

My nights have been long this last week and filled with nightmares, more than I am used to. One night I even woke screaming and I was sure that I was a child and I was in my room and the man, I named in my books as the bad man was there. He was so real to me, although his face and identity still remains hidden.

Perhaps some part of my mind wants to show me something. I have never had nights as bad as these all night and every night. I wake and I am little in my mind. He’s there and it’s taking me a few minutes to realise, no he isn’t and I am safe.

Safe.

I wish I knew what that actually felt like. I can tell myself I am safe, that I am an adult and he can’t get me.  I feel like I am going crazy.

I have many people to apologise to, so many since my last posts on here that I still haven’t got myself to talk to properly. I’m finding it hard to talk. People want to chat about the ordinary things and all I can think is why does any of it matter? But then who am I to ask that?

My self harm hasn’t stopped, twice today. I can’t dig in deep enough to cut away what it is I’m trying to remove. I don’t even know what it is that I am trying to reach. I can’t get clean. Not in the germ dirty sense, but somewhere inside I feel something. I can’t wash it away, I can’t cut it away. It’s driving me insane.

Talking here, or talking to anyone, I just want to tell myself to shut up. None of it matters.

 

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10 thoughts on “I can’t reach.

  1. JD,
    Even though you might think it doesn’t matter, it does.
    It’s been hard for me to write at all with everything that is going on here but know that I am trying to comfort you through my words that seem so dang elusive. I care about you and I wish you all the best in recovering from the past. I understand so well what you go through. Be strong and keep writing.
    HUGS to you JD and your family
    Deb~

  2. It does matter. You matter. “It just takes time” isn’t even adequate. So many of us just want to take your pain from you and endure it for you, but… Just know this, you have made a huge impact on most of the people you have encountered, including me. So yes, it does matter! You matter!

  3. Hey James your apology is not needed, on here or anywhere else. Your pain is very real and burried very very deep and no amount of cutting will be able to reach it because its a pain that u can’t “cut” out, its needs to be dealt with in other ways. Have u thought about going back into counciling to deal with the next stage of your recovery? Maybe your intense nightmares are due to your posts and replys on here, its all really highlighting the past and the pain, personally i really feel your inner child is screaming out for recongnition and healing, to keep going back in your dreams to being that little boy i think your subconsious is trying to connect the two of u. I genuinly feel if you were to reconnect with him and start to try to understand him and why he did the things he did and help him to heal then u will move forward in your healing to the next stage. Please don’t stop talking , it helps to heal. To talk on here about your past is a good thing because u get differant peoples input, u take that input that is helpfull to u and u leave the input that is not, and to talk about the mundane here and now stuff helps u to stay in reality.
    big hugs Lil x

  4. It matters JD, it matters because YOU matter. No one in life has the luxury to know what act they do, or phrase they say will matter to someone. It can be the most trivial of thing but it will have an effect on someone. I know that sounds silly but its true. They say life is about the little things and that is so true. I don’t know you personally, but we have had some private talks (even if its just about non-sense stuff) You might think “well blimey (notice the british errr english phrase ..learned from you)…but..you may think “Blimey, you don’t know me…I barely have talked to you, I couldn’t possibly have made an impact in your life” WELL…you are wrong. Everytime I smell my apple cinnamon I think of you, everytime I hear the countdown of Christmas (coming soon mind you) I think of you, everytime I try to speak in an “English” accent I think of you..and heck because of you and you alone I now say English accent versus British. So, talking matters. However, I do know what you are saying. There are moments when I want to shut out the world and just sit in my own silence and I don’t have near the demons that you do. If my talking would help, I would talk morning noon and night because trust me, I am QUITE capable fo that ..haha…. If a good shake up would help I would round up a posse and we would fly there and take turns shakin all these bad things outta your mind. But, alas, I have nothing to offer other than a friendship and an ear (or should I say eyes) that will be here when you are ready.

  5. No guilt! No guilt! No guilt! You haven’t done anything wrong.

    You are taking the time to figure it all out. You’re taking the time for YOU for once in your life to get it all out into the light of day.

    Before very long, there will be no more monsters in the hallway or under your bed or IN your bed.

    You’re washing yourself clean mentally and physically, and it WILL happen that eventually things don’t trigger at least as STRONGLY and you will be able to BREATHE again or maybe for the first time.

    Hugs and much love and affection,

    Joy

  6. Apologies? Nonsense. Anyone who knows you… well, we just know. No apologies necessary. At least not to me anyway.

    There isn’t much more that I can say to you, that I haven’t already said over the years. You know how I feel regarding hope, when it pertains to you. You know how I feel (though I wish there was a better way) regarding your doing whatever it takes to get you through your days… and nights. And you know how I feel regarding, simply… you.

    Tonya’s reply brought me to tears. I couldn’t have said it better myself. How wonderfully blessed you are, James, to have friends like that.

    Like her, there are so many things (some on on a daily basis), that remind me of you. Things that remind me of what you have taught me. Whether good or not so good memories, I seem to always have the same outcome… a small almost undetectable smile. That’s because of you. Because you matter.

    At the risk of repeating myself, (which I am sure I am) I must ask, how crazy/insane is it, to simply want the basics that others have? What we all want? To feel accepted. Respected. Loved.

    And yes, Safe.

    There are so many of us, who at one time or another have taken that feeling for granted. I hope someday, you will feel it… and know it too.

    As for what you say not mattering; perhaps in the realm of horror that is your reality, day to day occurrences may seem petty. But to some, maybe talking to you, is what keeps them going. I am sure I don’t have to tell you, how much a kind word or simple chat, can sometimes make all the difference in someone’s day.

    Maybe all the little things that you chat about, aren’t so terribly important in themselves… but important in other ways. Ways that help you to maintain and build friendships. Perhaps to find answers to things, when shown to you from someone else’s perspective. And you have told me on more than one occasion, that “idle chatter” sometimes helps you to forget for awhile.

    But probably the simplest and most important one of all; to help you stay connected to those who care. To remind you that you are not alone… and to remind others of that as well.

    I won’t drone on with all of my thoughts, as you probably are sick of all the pep talks. But I will close with this… you make this world a better place just by being here. You have an impact on people, that I don’t think you even realize. And I also realize (though I hope I am wrong) that along with your thoughts of fear, frustration, and hopelessness, usually comes the thought of “leaving.”

    How sad a world it would be…if you were to leave. True, the world would go on… but so much less brightly without you.

    I think I can speak for most of us that know you, and/or read your work, when I say, what you say, matters.

    What you do, matters.

    You, matter.

    Don’t ever think differently.

    ~ Hugs ~

  7. As has been said JD never say sorry for talking we are out here listening and wishing and hopeing ,the more you talk the more you heal,you have been very busy with your classes and all the writing on top of it,Enough to trigger night terrors in any one.Teresa is so right you make the world a better place for so many,and you do matter to every one of us who want to see you achieve your goals in life,I hope next week treats you better. (((HUGS))) 🙂 ❤

  8. I echo the words of the other comments.. You DO matter.. and I wouldn’t ever want you to shut up. Talking often helps the healing and forgiveness process. I hope you are ok.. please be careful with the self harm.. I know how it is. Take care

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