I met with a new therapist today. He was pleasant enough and direct which I think is what I need. Not someone that will aww and pacify me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not for me.
It was very hard to talk and tell him the things I did. He asked me if I wanted justice and my answer was no. I don’t. I don’t see the point. My father is sick, what would ripping a family apart to label him whatever achieve?
Then my therapist explained it and I’ve never had it explained before. He said if I sought justice it’s more symbolic. The blame gets given to him. The words are said out loud. It would officially not be my fault.
What a thought. I can’t even begin to explain how it feels. That maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t make him do it like he said.
There’s a child inside down on his knees crying because maybe it wasn’t him. Maybe he wasn’t bad inside. Maybe he was really loveable. Maybe he wasn’t made evil. Maybe he didn’t make them do it. Maybe it wasn’t the way he was made.
Maybe it wasn’t his fault at all.
And the adult on the outside, I feel such anger and frustration, I can’t ease those feelings. I can’t bring myself to gain justice for that child. All I can do is watch the child suffer and not be able to put it right.
I keep him where his father put him.
I wish it had been someone else and not my father. I wish it was just a no one that treated me badly all the time, maybe then I could hate him enough to not care.
There isn’t anything I can do.
I’m glad that you went. That you allowed yourself to see things from a different point of view. That you entertained the ideas the therapist presented. Most of all, I am very proud of you, James.
One step at a time.
I have always said, “someday,” to you.
I understand your frustration. Your anger. Your hopelessness. However, I think that now it seems that maybe, just maybe, there is a tiny sliver of light (and hope) beginning to shine upon you and the horrible shadow that has had you in its grasp for so long. Maybe its grip will begin to loosen. Maybe you will begin to truly be able to enjoy life.
To find peace.
… just maybe. Someday.
~ Hugs ~
Hey there. I’m glad you went to the session. I know it’s hard. The therapist is right. It might give you the freedom and relief you need. It was NEVER your fault.
I’m always here if you need or want to reach out. Ditter knows how to reach me.
Wishing I could be there to give you a hug!
Well, I’m very proud of you that you took that step and went. I’m also proud of you for understanding it wasn’t your fault. On the other hand, I get why you find it hard to blame. It was your Father, not a stranger. Maybe you can find a way to help the little boy without causing yourself more grief in the process. It’s so easy for us as outsiders to say “Bring him down” but we don’t walk in your shoes. I will never push you to do something you can’t do, James, but I will hold your hand through what you do decide on. Always here for you, my Friend. Love you.
It sounds like a good first session and I like your therapist’s directness too. I also like how he says that seeking justice would be more symbolic so that the blame gets given to your father officially. It sounds like that’s exactly what needs to be done even while I understand the reasons why it is difficult for you to do so. Having society officially tell you it was not your fault would help in making you realise this as well.
I want justice for that little child inside you so badly. I hate it that he is in there “on his knees crying”. I cry with him. I want him to know that he wasn’t evil inside, that he didn’t make his parents do what they did, and that he was really loveable.
I want his tears to stop.
That was beautiful Cyn…It’s how I feel also. Hugs…
I am so happy that you have found someone to help you now , that you will see that you are worthy of everyone’s love and that it was not ever your fault . That you are a love able human being and that I love you with all my heart
You were a beautiful, innocent and defenceless little child and in no way was this your fault. Their cruelty robbed you of your childhood and damaged your life. Those parents should have loved, nurtured and protected you and not only did they fail to do that, but they abused you horrifically, physically and emotionally, and you are still paying the price. They should be held to account for their actions in whatever way feels right for you and when you are ready to do so. It is hard because it was your father and I pray that you will find the strength to do this, and heal the wounds.
I agree with Fay completely. You were the innocent, sweet, angelic faced little boy. He was the vile monster who had a compulsion to destroy that.