(Sometimes I just write to get things out, this is one of those times.)

I want to hurt because it’s there. I want to scratch it out and make it go away. I want to make me go away. I want to turn it all off. I can’t cry it out enough, shout it, say it, or do anything to get it all out and gone.

It’s anger and aloneness, all at the same time. I want to curl up so it will go away and leave me alone. Then I don’t have to feel it any more.

I want him to take it away, say he was sorry, and know what it feels like. I want him to feel it so he really does feel sorry, not just words, but for him to understand. I want him to go back and fix it.

I want to be normal, go back, and make me be normal then. Why couldn’t I have proper things like food or clothes or just to feel safe? I do not know whose fault it is. It’s a mess.

I can’t think. It makes me want to put my head through a wall. There doesn’t seem to be a point. I can’t undo any of this. I just hide. It’s all a secret. People think I am one thing and really, I am something else inside.

My brother said when he moved out of my father’s house that it would be the end between them, but instead, he gets a normal relationship. His father coming to his house to help with DIY projects. My brother pops to our dad’s for things, he has a key, and he just walks in like a normal son. He gets everything and I have nothing.

I keep my dad away and I feel bad for it, but if I don’t, then it doesn’t change. He touches me, he hurts me, he leers at me and reminds me it’s all my fault because I was a ‘nice’ child. It was me. I turned him on. I flirted. I was the one with the smile and the face that promised more.

That is how I get everything.

That is all anyone ever wants.

It was me who climbed into his bed and I never said stop, not when he started to remove my clothes. I could have. I wasn’t afraid. I could have got out of the bed but I didn’t because I wanted that and he knew it. He knew it all the time. When I would come home from school and get changed; the way I got changed and that he could see me, made him want me. When I took a shower or a bath and walked passed him in just a towel.

It was all me, not him. Not him, because he didn’t make me. I got him to do those things. Not him. Me. It was me.

That’s why I don’t get things, because I’m the bad one and my brother is innocent. I am hard faced and I don’t feel anything and I don’t care. I am bad.


19 thoughts on “Whatever

  1. You are NOT bad and you NEVER were bad. You were taught from a very young age that was what love and acceptance was to your father. You were far too young in the beginning to know anything else. As for when you were older and think that you had the choice to say no…you were already programed that this was the only way your father would love you. No one thinks that you are to blame in any of what happened to you.

    We unfortunately cannot go back and change the past all we can do is try our best to cope with it and be the best people we can be. I know I’m not alone when saying that we all wish we could reach back into your past and take care of you the way all children deserve to be loved and cared for.

    I know you don’t believe this but you are one of the strongest most couragous people I know. You are strong because you survived and as hard as it is and the suffering you deal with on a daily basis you continue to survive. As always, I applaud your courage to tell your story and let people into your most inner thoughts and feelings.

    I wish for nothing but peace and happiness for you today and always.

  2. I think you are mistaking “Numb” for “Hard faced, I am bad”. It’s like a small child who is whipped a lot. They get to a point of being numb to it. It’s human nature to blame yourself. As you know, I too did something I am not proud of..I had to cut it loose. I pray someday you can do the same. I love you dearly, My friend.

  3. It was not and never will be your fault. You aren’t bad and never was. I understand your way of thinking.. but I hope one day soon you will realise that it really was ‘his’ fault and not yours. You were the young one who didn’t know any different. I hope therapy will help you realise this.. you are worth so much more, i promise you that

  4. Dear God, I wish you could change the way you are thinking. It wasn’t you….it wasn’t you……it wasn’t you…..I promise you…..it wasn’t you…..please, please, please realize it wasn’t you…..JD, I love you as a friend and as a human being….I wouldn’t blow smoke up your butt!!

  5. It wasn’t you. He should not have been looking at you with any kind of sexual intent in the first place. I’ve walked past my father in just a towel millions of times. He never looked at me in a sexual light, though, because I am his child. Your father had, and has, the blame for this. Not you.

  6. Give that Fabulous group of women an hour with that man in locked soundproof room that’s all I ask. You are no way at fault and entitled to your anger but don’t let it consume you. I hope one day you will finally achieve peace you deserve that and much more. You are never unimportant or not cared about I don’t believe I’m alone who feels that way.

  7. I can’t sit here and say its not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and you are not to blame. I had an epiphany a while back and it opened my eyes. Regardless if you were to blame, or not; regardless if you could have stopped it or not the truth is that is how you feel and to say “you are not to blame, or you deserved it” would basically be me ignoring how you feel. I have no words to give only that if my arms were long enough I would reach across the ocean and give you a hug (and a wet willy), if I were strong enough I would hold you up until you were steady again, and if I were close enough I would be knocking on your door all the dang time saying “lets go for a walk and talk” and as we would…I would twist my leg back and kick ya in the butt…teehee…sorry I couldn’t resist. Even though over a thousand miles are between us I am here for ya in any way that I can be. You are a good person and I dont need proximity to show me that.

  8. So sad yet makes me boil that you are made to feel this way. You are INNOCENT I cant stress this enough to you. They were wrong not you.

  9. You were taught to feel that it is your fault. Taught that you are to blame, taught to accept it all and then never taught that you could refuse, that you could say no! Yes, you were groomed or indoctrinated as Joy said. You are der serving of love and the right to be held blameless.

  10. I totally agree with the groomed,he had you robotic.had you not done what he expected i would say life would have been even worse hard to believe but he is a evil evil man,yes I would like to meet him but he would be very sorry after I was finished,I look up to you and how you have brought your life around and I bet your kids do to.stay safe and take care 🙂 ❤ xx

  11. Oh, honey. I’m sitting here thinking of what to say to help you and I just don’t know where to start. I know what it’s like to hurt inside-to crawl up in a ball and wish the pain would go away.
    I will say this-as all the above did.
    It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.
    Sexual molesters and abusers often select one child and leave the other alone. There is no rhyme or reason to it. They make us feel dirty and at fault. My father molested me- I repressed a lot of the memories until he died. But, while he was alive I couldn’t stand to be around him or alone with him or touch him. There was no father & daughter dance at my wedding. I was his “precious first born Mary”.
    When he was dying in the assisted living place,
    I went to see him one last time. He was in a
    semi-coma. But, damn if he didn’t hear
    someone say I was there;he actually opened
    his eyes and looked around asking for me. I
    was always his obsession even to his last
    breath. The person molested or abused is
    CONDITIONED NOT TO SPEAK UP. It’s the abuser’s MO! My father also sexually abused
    his 2 step-daughters in a previous marriage.
    Towards the end of my father’s life, he once
    admitted it to my sister and said “they were
    wild girls and they were asking for it”. By the
    way, my father was a retired teacher, guidance
    counselor and……Presbyterian minister.
    I’m telling you this because you need to see the pattern. They prey on others that they should protect! They are capable of putting on a completely different face to the world. But, behind closed doors……..
    And the other parent often turns a blind eye. Don’t ask me why. If my mom were still alive I’d ask her!
    I didn’t mean to make this about me. My life was a cake walk compared to yours. You went through hell and came out such an incredibly courageous and strong person! I know you don’t see that but YOU ARE!
    I admire you so much for your strength. I wish I could meet you one
    These abusers and molesters are the slime and filth-not you. You did
    nothing to attract his attention. You could not have stopped it. You deserved a normal childhood. There was nothing “wrong” with you that caused this. The blame lays solely with him!
    You are loved and cared about dear friend! If a had a time machine, the first thing I’d do would be to go back and rescue you from that monster.
    Almost forgot. Even after all these monsters do to their children, they often still love that parent and want their approval in a way. At least I did. Weird, I know. I understand how you must feel with the situation between you, your brother and your father. There is no easy anawer honey. It’s going to be whatever it will be. He’ll never see what he did was wrong. I wish you had a normal family-I truly do. But you do have us!

      • Yes, honey, I’m positive! My father chose me and left my sister alone. Studies back this up! My sister has a different personality. I dont know. I’m more the quiet, withdrawn one. I just have always wanted since childhood to blend into the wall-not draw attention to myself. He preyed on me. Just like yours did. And my father chose girls. Luckily he never touched my nephews. My sister actually had to ask the boys in detail if he had. Try to release the guilt you carry-its not yours to bear. Its HIS! Hugs and more hugs, dear friend!

      • Honey, they are warped! When my mom went home to scotland on a visit and I was 5, he wrote mom & said he was taking us and not to come back. He then explained to my sister and I that mom had “died”! Imagine our surprise when mom showed up alive. That’s messed up. And when mom would go in grocery store, dad would sit and read newspaper rape reports to us, complete with details if they were listed. James, these monsters are in a category all their own! At my parents graves, I put down bouquets for my mom & little sister. Dad used to get nothing. I’m trying to let go of some of this-he’s up to one flower now.

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