External Images.

External Images.

I feel sad today, I’m not really sure why. I saw my therapist yesterday and then I had a date and went for a drink and then saw the hobbit. It was an enjoyable evening, yet this morning I find myself with that lost empty feeling.

Some of the things my therapist said I understand why he said them, but they don’t make me feel better. He reassures me that the things I deal with aren’t so strange, that many people have the same fears.

We talked about the fear of the dark, the way I am terrified of it at night. The way I’d rather be outside in the dark than trapped in my home. He told me that many are afraid of the dark, it’s quite normal and that some part of us is inbuilt to have fear, it’s a part of our survival.

I feel like I want to shout at him, it’s not the same. I don’t care if others have this fear, I don’t care that I’m not alone. I don’t care that it’s ‘normal’ it doesn’t feel normal. It feels insane when I’m afraid at night; sure that just maybe the bad man is there once again.

We talked about my mum a little, where my fear of the darkness comes from. He told me I had really suffered. He told me he was sorry that I had. He said that considering all I had gone through, I survived. I came out quite sane. It makes me want to scream inside. I wish I could show him inside my head. I wish I could make him feel what I feel so he would know that I didn’t come out the other side in one piece.

But I also realise that I sat there. Perfectly still. Perfectly sane on the outside, without the tools to break my silence of how I feel, because I’m trained in keeping secrets. I even do it on the outside. Perfect external images.

13 thoughts on “External Images.

  1. Yes, you are indeed trained… conditioned…an actor, if you will. You have been made to truly believe that you do not deserve anything (or anyone) that is good, decent, or even gentle.

    And so,why wouldn’t you be sad? It’s all you were ever taught. Ever.

    I can see why that Dr. would see you as “sane.” I also understand why you don’t see yourself that way.

    As I have said many times (probably too many) you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I have seen the changes in you, both good and not so good. Yet the thing that never changes, no matter how many times you have wanted to “leave,” no matter how many times you have stumbled, you always get back up. True, like all of us, you do have your breaking points. But overall, I think you are amazing. And too bad if it’s a biased opinion, it’s the truth.

    I hope this new therapist gives you the tools you need to break that silence, and to allow you to enjoy being “you.”

    Just remember, that no matter how silent you are… you are loved.

    ~ Hugs ~

  2. Oh JD of course a lot of people are scared of the dark I am,I have several glow on the dark things hanging in the house, it helps,my fear is easy to work out by me,yours goes a lot deeper and its understandable to have your fears of the dark.Now two words sane and normal, who is and what is it,who can look at another human and say your normal and sane,they can’t see the inside and only hear what we want to tell them.Yes you are a survivor and you will always have issues,But you have to learn to like your self as many out here do.take care and have a great family Christmas.(((HUGS))) to all the family xxxxxx

  3. I think that you and he are having a slight misunderstanding. I believe what he may be saying is that lots of people are afraid of the dark but for different reasons. Everyone I think who is afraid of the dark is truly afraid of what is lurking inside it or what MAY be lurking inside of it. In other words, the POTENTIAL of what could be there or who could be there, whether it be monsters, snakes, or actual intruders.

    In your case, unfortunately some of these things already occurred! It isn’t the potential of it. It already happened! And not only that, these people were already inside the house ALL OF THE TIME. Of course, you would be afraid of that or the repeat of that. Who wouldn’t be is what I think he is trying to convey.

    I think he is trying to establish that while awful things occurred to you in the past, your brain’s coping mechanisms are quite normal to the terrible things that were done to you. I don’t think he is trying to minimize your pain or your terrible memories or say there there it’s OK now.

    I believe he is saying OK this is where we are right now. He is establishing a list if you will of the current situation, while trying to convince you that it isn’t all that terrible how you have coped, and in fact in many ways you have coped quite well in comparison to the things you had to endure in the past.

    Then now having established that, what are some of the things that can be done in the future to rectify at least some of this so that you are more comfortable in your own skin from day to day so-to-speak.

    But I think in your next session, you perhaps should just let down your guard as much as you can and tell him the things that are shouting inside your mind at you. If you don’t tell him, he won’t be able to sort them out with you. Tell him that you are like that painting of The Scream so that he can understand what is happening inside you that you are tamping down to be “socially acceptable” to the general public.

    Love and hugs from Texas! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas day as much as you are possibly able with the people who really love you!


  4. I remember that rage…I didn’t care what anyone else thought…not really. I just wanted it to stop. I felt selfish, but I didn’t care at the time. No one else’s fears or pain are yours. Yours is unique. I too am afraid at night. Inside my home. I will look under the beds, in the closets etc. EVERYWHERE, twice. And still, my mind will tell me I may have missed a place to check. So I get up and do it again. It comes from being damaged. Fear is a very real thing. You will continue to grow and get better. Keep talking about it, writing about it…It will ease in time. I promise you that. I love you my friend.

    • If you get trapped in a mangled car, the paramedics don’t say “It’s okay to be scared, people get trapped in mangled cars all the time. It’s perfectly normal.” Who care’s if it’s normal, get me out of the fucking car.

      If it helps you to check and double check then who is to say you shouldn’t. Obviously the why isn’t in question. If you want to sleep with the lights on, sleep with the lights on.

      Some things don’t have to be talked to death, they can just be accepted.

  5. Hi hun, try writing your councilor a letter, if u can’t speak the words then write them down and give them to him, it doesn’t have to make sence, it can just be trigger words or sentences, anything to open up the dialoge. Tell him about the things u have touched on in this site like u have shared with us, things are easier to put down on paper than they are to speak them in “real time”. you CAN show him inside your head this way, a little at a time, with every session go armed with that piece of paper with yet another collection of words or thoughts for u both to work on, if u don’t give him anything to work with he can’t help u. your paying for it JD so get your moneys worth and start to change your life one step at a time. After every councilling session u will hit a low over the following 2 days, thats normal sweety, its like taking of a plaster of a very deep wound that hasn’t healed yet, and only with time and help will that wound begin to heal but u have to be brave and study that wound to see how u can best take care of it and begin to make it better. Don’t let it fester anymore hun, make 2013 the yr your gonna start to clean that wound out and start to help it heal.
    Big hugs Lil x

    • I totally agree!!! The therapist is there to talk about J.D. and ONLY J.D……..it’s J.D.’s life, not anybody else’s. No one has experienced what he has, everyone’s feelings and life are unique. And J.D.’s is one of the most horrible and abusive stories I have read of. He is a hero in my mind for surviving and coming out of that hell.

  6. Just breathe…..then take a moment, then SCREAM IT ALL OUT!!! Do it, you deserve to. Your situation and life are unique to YOU. I don’t necessarily like that your therapist is telling you it’s okay that you feel certain ways, like being afraid of the dark, just because “other” people are too. This is your time, your life, and you don’t need to be hearing crap about how others cope. You want to be treated as YOU, AND WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH, AND HOW YOU, AND ONLY YOU FEEL. So tell your therapist: “NO! That’s not okay, because I can only relate to what happened to me.” (and there is nothing wrong with saying that- you are not being selfish. You are there for YOURSELF. )

  7. And I would like to hear your therapist say things like: “You have a right to be afraid of the dark…..I can’t imagine what you went through”……..but that’s your right to feel what you are feeling, because it comes from your childhood and what you went through.” He should be VALIDATING YOUR FEELINGS.

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