For many years of my life I thought that what my father was doing to me, could not be classed as abuse. I was very confused by it. I really did think that I was bad or that there was something wrong with me. Abuse has and probably always is portrayed with a crying child being forced into something they don’t want and having no choices.

I would see these when I was younger and think, I am not like them, yet what I was going through was not really the same. Yes there were adults doing things with me that I knew were wrong. I was partaking in sexual activity with adults, and society told me that this was wrong. It was abuse. lady-and-the-butterfly

However, what would make me quiet was my part in it. My choices to go to my father and the fact that received pleasure from what he was doing. In short, I liked the abuse.

I couldn’t deny it, not even to myself. For so many years this rolled around my head, I must be bad because I liked what he was doing.  It wasn’t until perhaps two years ago when I had talked to someone, and she simply said, congratulations, your body works like it is meant to.

I remember the moment reading those words. I was shaking and I could hardly breathe, was it really true that my enjoyment didn’t mean I was like my father? That there was something wrong with me and I was as sick as them all?

The relief inside was so tremendous, because it had been part of my biggest battle.

Today however, I see someone that appears to be an advocate to stop child abuse and child trafficking, post a comment, that any child who enjoys sexual abuse has been turned away from God and become the antichrist. Whilst I am not religious, this kind of comment a couple of years ago would have been so devastating to me and I am sure others like me.

So today I felt like I should write this post and hope that maybe anyone who was where I was a few years ago, will realise, no matter what they enjoyed, they were not bad.

14 thoughts on “Innocence

  1. We were created as sexual beings and if a sexual part is triggered it releases pleasure, simple. I’m glad you know you weren’t bad- just a child.
    I hope more people understand.
    I hope and pray people see the tragedy and terror when the acts are done to children in their innocense and lack of understand and in their childhood it takes away so much from them and replaces it with a mess of pain in their body and head that they have to deal with for years to come.
    What consenting adults do that is their choice and responsibility but the acts done to children are abusive, terror, abominable. I haven’t found a word in the english language to describe. Children should be cherished and loved and protected from any harm.
    Blessings to you.

  2. There are so many things I’d like to say about the person that posted that or the people who believe or agree with what they said but I’m not going to go there. I will simply say that I agree with whomever told you that your body works like it’s meant to.

    You tried kicking and screaming and fighting at first but you were overpowered so if later you didn’t fight and scream doesn’t make it any different, you were dealing with it the best you could. And bottom line ejaculation to a sexual stimulant (sorry to be graphic) doesn’t make the person who is being abused at fault, bad, or the antichrist, it makes you human with human response to something God gave us all sexual pleasure.

    I know it’s easier said than done but please ignore ignorant, judgmental, self-righteous, UNGODLY remarks like that. They are the ones in the wrong not the child who may have a normal response to sex.

    • I do, thank you 🙂 had it not been for this person years ago I would never have understood. But I am sure there are many out there who must feel that because they reached that climax point, it makes them bad. I wanted to show that they aren’t.

  3. Maybe it’s not that they “enjoy” it but rather that its attention from the abusing parent! In the same way that some children are naughty because negative attention is still attention. Does that make sense?

  4. What it means when they climax or orgasm due to the abuse is that it is conditioning and a physiological response to stimuli. You can only resist for so long when something is basically not a choice and/or when you WILL be punished in some way for not complying so the body finds its ways of coping by turning it eventually into something pleasurable for pure survival. It’s close to what it must have been like for those survivors of the kidnappings ten years ago. When Amanda escaped the other two stayed behind even though the door was now open. They had been so conditioned, brainwashed, and forced that by then they did not know what to do any longer.

  5. i think that as a child you responded in the only way your body could have known at the time,you may have known it didnt feel right , but let me put it another way , if as an adult that has had a “normal” childhood,and now knows all about the world and the abuse in it, then if you was raped by a stranger,father anyone really you wouldnt enjoy it at all , no matter how many/long it went on for. i guess im saying that you didnt know any different at the time so yeh your body reacted normally to sexual stimulation,not just because your body didnt know the difference,but your mind didnt either. you are brave i think anyway just to admit the enjoyment in our very blinded society.

  6. i can see how it would happen, i think until it happens to a person ,myself or anyone really cant genuinely understand were your coming from.
    my thoughts are with you x

  7. Yes JD I no just where your coming from, there has been rape charges throwen out because the person has climaxed man and woman,it is the body reacting not the mind,How can a child be any differant , ((HUGS)) xxx

  8. ~ So glad to see that you have come so far in your view of yourself, that your way of thinking has changed; and that, that conversation gave so much power to you and helped to “flip the switch” 😉 … so very glad.
    You are truly an amazing man. And you are loved.
    ~ Hugs ~

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