I’d rather break my leg

Sometimes I wish that I was missing a limb rather than suffering with various mental illnesses. At least if I had no legs or no arms, or something that disabled my physically, people would see it and understand my difficulties, but mental illness is much worse. Even to myself when I try to snap myself out of it and understand that it is just my mind. It doesn’t matter though, no amount of pep talks seem to work.

Yesterday my OCD was at a high point, I am not even sure why, something usually triggers it. I think perhaps if anything it was the fear of something going wrong and the only way to cope was for my OCD to come out.

I’d been about to cook dinner as I do every day, but something felt wrong with it. Perhaps it was that I was making something that wasn’t planned, I don’t really know, but that feeling inside that tells me something is wrong with the food wouldn’t go away. I cooked it though, cooked it for longer than it needed. But as I tried to eat it, I found myself analysing every mouthful. In the end I decided I couldn’t eat it, that bad feeling was too much for me and there had to be something wrong with the food. I gave my excuses and said I wasn’t hungry today and then put it in the trash.

I dislike the days like this, when I can’t do something just because, even though I could do it yesterday.

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7 thoughts on “I’d rather break my leg

  1. Dear JD, I’m sorry you’re going through all this stuff. I know how you feel because I have similar problems, and it is really frustrating. I wouldn’t like to break a leg, but I certainly sometimes have this feeling of why can’t I get some disease/illness people can actually see and, in not understand get this feeling they usually get when you have something “phyisical”. It’s this feeling like they can understand (although it is just to some point) that you are really suffering, and not because you want to, but because you’re sick; it just doesn’t show the same way…
    But you know what? When I think of myself thinking that way, and of you doing the same, I perceive our own low self-steem and fatalistic view of life makes us have this thoughts instead of some positive ones such as: “I wish I was not sick at all”; “I wish this would all go away” or “I’ll explain this episode to those around me, so they can at least have the slightest idea of what I’m going through”. I believe if people really care about us, they have to accept us and help us. I know I do the same for other people in similar situations…
    We don’t necessarily have to be sick for ever. These feelings can go away. I know how it must sound; I can’t sometimes believe it myself. One thinks it has been going on for so long and all… But I believe we gotta have hope.
    I think it’s valuable that you shared these feelings here; we, at least get to know what you feel and, believe me, I get you. Had I been with you at the table, and you’d come to me with this, I would have told you. “No worries, JD, we’ll make sth else from scratch” or “We order pizza and throw this away”. And, maybe talk about why this food was wrong; or maybe not and just hope that you can work this problem out.
    I’m not the only person who’d feel this way, I think. So, thanks for sharing and know you can come again and talk some more about what bothers you.
    And try to believe you can get out of this. It is easier said than done. Always. But try; you’ll be in my mind, with hopes things get better.
    Love,
    Yamilé

  2. Every affliction has its challenges. Every affliction in some way, is its own prison. Granted, some are worse than others, and when a person has more than one of those to deal with, I think that life itself becomes a prison.
    I do not envy your afflictions, James. But I do admire the man who tries valiantly each day (and night) to fight them.
    You may say, that sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth the effort, but I am glad that you continue to make that effort. Because your presence in this afflicted world of ours, just seems to make things a bit brighter and perhaps a little easier to deal with… at least it does for me.
    I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I hope this feeling eases soon. This was not meant to be a pep talk … just my feelings. (as usual) And no matter how troubled, or down, or “afflicted” you become, you will always be loved.

    Sleep safely and well. ~

    ~ Big Hugs ~

      • Mom’s having the surgery on Friday. I’m going to try and be there, as I wasn’t able to make it down this past weekend… just a lil’ bit busy trying to walk without anything else coming loose. :/
        Speaking of my leg, I think it would be better if I emailed or IM’d you.
        I hope you are doing better. AAAAANNND ya KNOW that IM thing works both ways. 😉 Yeah, I know your reasons… and you know my answer to all of them. :p
        Talk soon.
        I love you.
        No matter what. ~
        ~ Hugs ~

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