Living with someone.

Living with someone.

When is the right time? Is there a right time? It’s a hard decision to make whoever you are, but what about when you suffer from various forms of mental illness?moving

I try to hide my struggles as best I can from my partner, of course that is hard at the best of times. It’s different though when living with someone. Not only do I have to try all the time to keep my issues hidden, not because my partner is cold or judgmental, quite the opposite actually, but more for my own shame. I know I am ill, but I don’t like to show it to the people in my everdays. I don’t want them to see that I am struggling. So I have tactics to hide things. Ways that I have adapted myself to cope with my illness and hiding it.

When my I have to wash my hands more times than normal, I do it out of sight, when my partner has to go somewhere unexpectedly rather than crumble into a mess of abandonment I seek an extra hug, another kiss or just a touch and allow myself to know that this is okay. That my partner is coming back.

My partner of course doesn’t know of my books. I have not talked of my abuse. It is very hard for me to be able to share the events of my childhood with those that I have to look at. So I don’t, but for me this means that I have to watch my issues, because my partner does not know why they are there or where they came from.

At night I sleep with the light on, I have to admit that I do not like the dark. I have to have the door shut tight and things in certain places to ensure that I can feel safe enough or as safe as can be to go to sleep. Living with someone, it interferes with all of my coping devices. It pushes the boundaries I have set in place for myself so that I can feel okay. I have to adjust, not just my problems, but to the needs of my partner too.

However, it is the right decision and maybe after opening my home I will be able to open the door to the inside of myself too and let my partner fully in.

It’s like a new adventure in my life. 🙂

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One thought on “Living with someone.

  1. You are exactly right when you say, living with someone is like a new adventure in your life. Because It is. To me, there is no better way to know if this person is “the one,” than to live with them.
    As for your issues, insecurities, rituals, etc… I think there is a two-fold lesson here. (for lack of a better word) One, as you have said, your boundaries will be pushed. You must adjust. Needs and wants will be different. You may put your partner’s above your own. I see it as maybe yours will even be eliminated, because they will have to change. Perhaps there won’t even be a need for them soon, because you have found someone worth giving them up for? Someone who can help you to see your world differently- more desirably, peacefully and securely, so that maybe your vigilance will begin to disappear.
    One can hope.
    The second fold here just might be, that your partner will ( if not already) be given the chance to see more of the world from your perspective. One that is full of love, excitement, wonder, and even a bit of innocence.
    The strength of your relationship will indeed be tested /challenged. But that’s life. We take risks. We live. We love.
    Either way, I think you both are blessed here. Each of you is getting a loving, giving, caring, wonderful human being. What more could one want?
    I am so glad you’ve decided to take this step. That you have decided to be HAPPY. That you are realizing that you are worth loving.

    Finally. 🙂

    ~ Much love and big hugs to both of you. ~ ❤ ~

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