Bad Day. I’m Okay.

I took an overdose yesterday (I’m okay. I went to hospital). The day started badly, that weird feeling inside, where everything just feels wrong. I think that should have been my first warning sign. The fact that I sat on the train going to university, and I just wanted to get off right then, I should have realised how bad my own mind was. I wanted to curl up somewhere and just cry. Even the most self-absorbed woman in the circle of university friends noticed that there was something wrong with me; it must have been very evident for her to see it.

I sat outside in the rain and wind, I was so cold. I couldn’t console myself, I couldn’t find an ending to what I was feeling inside. I couldn’t breathe from it. It has been a while since I hurt that much inside, maybe a year since, I did the only thing that I could, I took the painkillers from my bag and stuffed them in my mouth. I got half way through them and suddenly saw the faces of those who I know would be heartbroken. It is one of the worst feelings I have ever had to experience, I wanted to put the last of those pills in my mouth, but I couldn’t, I kept seeing the pain I would leave behind. I wish it wasn’t there.

My father is dying, he won’t see out this year. I’m afraid he’s going to die and never say sorry. I’m afraid he’s never going to tell me why he did the things he did. I think I have just been waiting so long for him to say to me, I’m sorry, I love you, I didn’t mean any of those things. It wasn’t your fault. That’s the part I need. The fault part. I need him to say it. I need him to tell me nothing was because of me. He’s going to die and I will never get that kind of resolution.

My children and granddaughter are moving out soon. They have another baby on the way; they have to leave because there is just no room. They are excited, I am excited, but I am also very sad. My son has been with me for twenty years. He’s always been here, not just as my son, but as my friend. It’ll be strange with him not being around talking about the latest gaming thing. Of course I worry too. He has Asperger’s, I worry how he will cope in a place without me. But I have to let him try. For him, I won’t always be here. I’m just going to miss him and his little family. He asked me the other night if our relationship will change when he leaves, he doesn’t want it to. I hope it doesn’t.1795640_474642232640299_1802457017_n

I’m doing well at university, but everything feels out of control. So many essays and exams coming up. With everything going on in my life. I feel like I am trying to ski down a slope filled with obstacles and I am blindfolded and out of control. I need to find a way to stop, to say I am okay and I can do this. I need to get down that slope slowly, and take time to enjoy things on the way.

I need to find peace with myself. My illnesses are so out of control. I self-harm almost daily and my OCD has me tied in so many knots, I wish it would leave me alone. I have a big messy pile in front of me. It is me. Somehow I have to sort through it.

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5 thoughts on “Bad Day. I’m Okay.

  1. James, I’m truly sorry that you continue to be in such turmoil with things. That the only way to deal, is to take it out upon yourself… physically and emotionally. Most of all, that you are so sad.
    It breaks my heart.
    “Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.”
    You have done that, and you have done it well. Your kids are so blessed to have you as a father. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. We both know it does; that it can feel like the end of the world. We both also know, that this horrible, lonely, empty, stabbing pain, won’t go away completely, but it will ease.
    As for those pills… I’m glad you stopped yourself. So glad. What a dark, sad place this world would be, without your light. Without you.
    I mean that.
    And I love you.
    ~ Hugs ~

    • … and you will sort through “it.”
      Through you.
      One thing at a time.
      One moment at a time.
      You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    • Same here cyn thia!!! James has no idea how much he is cared for by his internet friends…..I was so glad that I was there to be able to talk to him after all this…..he is such an amazing person, and that’s one reason why not only me, but others love him so much!!

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