Twenty Minutes in My Head

Twenty minutes of the thoughts from my head.

I think that my father cannot bear to let me have anything in my life. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad. He becomes like some petulant child jumping up and down, screaming what about me?

Well what about you?

It’ll take me a lot to write this and to not allow the anger that is bubbling inside to come out and pour onto this page. I feel the anger from it and him and his words and his … I don’t even know the word to use here right now. But I feel it. I want ti cut it out. Nothing would please me more than to go upstairs to my bathroom and take out the blade I have specifically for my self-harm. letter-writing-pic

He did it again. Like always he comes in and lays waste to my already shaky foundations. He comes along and destroys what is there. It doesn’t matter how much building I do. How much protection I try to put between us, he knows how to shoot for my heart and he does it every time. He doesn’t miss.

I passed my first year of university not so long ago. I got a first too. I was very proud of myself. Of course my father felt he had to come along and claim his prize. Hold me up like some trophy and proclaim to everyone how hard it had been to bring me up. He bowed down graciously and received applaud for his efforts as a father.

I said nothing. It is terrible to say that I hope he has died by the time I graduate. The day I get my doctorate I don’t want him to be here. I don’t want him to take any credit. Even if it is fake. He had nothing to do with my education. I will have done it in spite of him.

He struck again a couple of days ago. Those who have me on facebook will know that there was a new addition to my family. A grandson. He is a little poorly at the moment. He was born early and his bowels were outside of his body, but he is recovering and coming along just great.

Naturally this meant that my attention was focused on my family and on this little guy and his recovery. My father thought or perhaps felt a little left out and along he came once more with his patheticness.

I had just come out of NICU when I received my father’s message. He wanted to know what he was to this baby. If he would have a part in his life. I want to ask him if he is joking. I know what he does with little boys. Does he really expect me to hand over something so innocent to him? He went on to tell me things about someone important in my life – things that I know are untrue. They still hurt to read, though. Not because I believed them, but because this is my father and this is how low he has to go to get my attention.

The closing part of his email was one of pleading. Asking me to end his pain, because apparently that is what I do. I cause him pain with how I am. He’s asked me to say goodbye to him. For him to be able to disown me. He won’t. I get this threat a lot, but it still hurts me every time I hear it. It still tears me apart to know that my father ever wants to hurt me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I ever did other than be his child.

It all hurts inside and I am not sure how to get it out.

6 thoughts on “Twenty Minutes in My Head

  1. Oh My God! James, I am so sorry. That is so sick and twisted. I cannot tell you what to do, I just know what I would do. But we are not the same and what I would do would not work for you. I just hope to god his sorry soul is gone soon and he can no longer torment you or your family. Focus on that new grandson. He is a treasure and he’s already proven himself to be a fighter like you. you are strong! You can overcome him and his threats. He really has no power over you. You are proving that by getting your education, no thanks to him. Hugs always! Please let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it is just to lend a ear.

  2. JD…Thank you for expressing your thoughts and feelings on paper before deciding to self-harm. Your Father has a sickness inside. It is hard to do, but keep trying to protect your feelings and not let him get the best of you. You are STRONGER than he is. As for University, I admire you going. It’s only a dream for me. Upon Graduation time, don’t tell him the date, or simply tell him you’re not attending. I saw that precious baby and look forward to pics when he is old enough to go on outings with you ! Be strong honey, do not let his sickness take away from your joy again.

  3. I’m sorry that you’re hurting.
    I’m sorry that he never stops.
    That he continues to use your loyalty and love for him, against you.
    That’s what calculating, miserable, vengeful, creatures do. As I said before, you know what I will say re him. There’s not much that can be said, without repeating myself; and right now, I feel it’s kind of pointless. He will never change. Period.

    But YOU have, James… in so many wonderful ways. I hope you can continue to build yourself up (whether with help of friends, or by yourself) to keep building upon that foundation of yours, that is so deserved.
    I have faith in you…always have.

    I must admit, it does make me feel a little ill, to hear of his blatant sociopathic narcissism.(If that’s even the correct terminology) I hate that he ruined your day. That he tried to take credit for your brilliance. And worst of all, that he believes it. On that same note, I would venture to guess that those to whom he was “bragging,” felt a bit uncomfortable as well. Just my opinion.

    As for you thinking you are terrible for wanting him dead before graduation; not terrible at all. Sigh, James, I know people who would’ve exterminated him a LONG time ago. Seriously. And as for you not knowing what you did, other than be his child…that’s ALL you did.

    You’re a loving, tolerant, compassionate, intelligent man. (repeating again) You’re a gentleman…and a gentle man. And as such, he is able to get to you. You are human, and although, it’s frustrating, I don’t feel there is any shame in having the thoughts and feelings he has caused within you… everyone has their limits.

    And so, you keep going. Let him have his self-centered, dramatic little tantrums. Remember what I used to always say… will the world end, if you leave him to his misery? I’m sorry if I’m a bit cold-hearted when I say, I hope he drops soon. At least then, some of your suffering will be over. And you will have a chance at some much needed, and well earned peace.

    Someone as beautiful as yourself, does not deserve so much pain.

    I hope the new day brings you some relief. And that you remember, you are adored by so many.

    Love you.

    ~ Hugs ~

  4. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this because of that horrible excuse of a person, yet again. I hope you can stay strong, as I know you are. Don’t let him win. Be that defiant and brilliant person we all know you are. Just let him hurt himself. It’s what he deserves and you still deserve better. *hugs* please talk when you need to, you’re never alone.

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