This is another one of those posts from me asking what people want me to talk about. TeAnne asked, “How you kept your sanity. I know you had survival mechanism in place?”
I am not sure I have really. I have many problems that I deal with day to day, but back then, I didn’t know I had them. In writing Teddy, I can see where many started. I can see where my OCD began, and I think that was a survival mechanism to begin with – some kind of order in my mind about this world I didn’t yet understand.
Obviously there is my bear. I told him everything. I had an imaginary friend, too, called Andrew. He is also in the books. Both of those helped me; it was a way of having some kind of social aspect without a real social aspect. I also read a lot. I could read for hours and hours and take myself away into the stories. I learnt to read very young. I was reading at four, and by the age of six, I had read the Hobbit – to give you an idea of my reading abilities.
I also wrote. I wrote all kinds of things; stories for one. I wrote those for hours. I wrote poems too. Sometimes, though, especially right after some form of abuse, I would cry and write everything down, asking why my dad didn’t love me. Why I had to do those things.
I used to count too. I think that’s where my number OCD came from. I’d tell myself that in an hour, I’d be in my own bed. I’d be sleeping. I used to try to count to sixty, sixty times. I pretended I was asleep a lot too. I could pretend it wasn’t happening to me.
Of course, there were times I didn’t cope. I was maybe six, I think, when I tried to drown myself in the bath. I got into sniffing petrol fumes when I was about 9. Started smoking and drinking at 12. I even ran away from home, but got taken right back.
I became very introverted. I think that was the best mechanism I had. Taking everything inside, and outside, I just smiled.
Reading your books for a second time and it really sinks in all the more. The fact you were self harming at such a young age. It makes me so upset and annoyed all over again, at what you were put through and what you still go through today. And it still amazes me how strong you have been. You have coped so much better than you give yourself credit for. A true warrior. *big hugs*
I’m glad that boy had an outlet to try and defuse himself. I’m glad for what it turned into … the writings. The following. The support/help for others in need. The success. The survival.
And I’m glad for the man he turned out to be, as he is incredible. ღ
I am re-reading them now also. I see many of the things you mention: the counting, the OCD, the reading and writing, drawing. I can understand putting on the mask to the outside world. However, I am so very grateful you have allowed your readers and those you correspond with to see a bit behind that mask. You are most awesome and have become an incredible human being. Many hugs!
I thoroughly agree with the 3 comments that have already been left. You may be wounded, but you are still a warrior.
thank you JD, you are the strongest person I have ever met. I am so glad you / your stories are in my life. Xx