I lost myself.

Isn’t that a weird thing to lose? Yourself? I mean, I am right here. I can see myself when I look in the mirror. It’s me – same eyes, same nose, same scars, same smile. Even my hair is the same. But I am lost. Me – the one who is inside.

It may be the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. Years ago, maybe five years plus, I was different. I was…me. But how was I me, and how did I lose myself? Well, that’s maybe the oddest part of all, and maybe a little hard for me to fathom.

One day – at the end of 2009, I think – I created my Facebook account. I had fun on there; played, made friends. It was probably a really great time for me. But the catch was I had a pen name for my writing. Yet, oddly, the time I wore a mask was when I was able to be me.

I realise that I lost myself the day I released my first book. It wasn’t fiction nor fun, but it was me. The real me. It was about me and my life. Somehow, when I sent myself into the world without my mask, I got lost.

Maybe it is better to write under a pen name. Maybe it is better to hide a little. Isn’t it weird that when we are unknown to the people around us, we are more ourselves than with the people who know us and love us dearly?

I miss my jokes – not that they were funny.

I miss my daily writing – not that it was ever good, but it was fun.

I miss devouring book after book and not coming up to view the world.

I miss laughter…my own.

I miss music and my endless searches for another great band or song.

I miss that writing spark inside – it’s there, I can feel it sometimes, but I fail to ignite it.

I miss drinking beer while sitting on my decking outside.

Mostly, I miss myself.

14 thoughts on “Loss

  1. So go do the things you miss, if that’s what you need to do : ) as long as you’re happy….I’m sure everyone will understand : )

  2. Since that time in late 2009, I’ve seen so many layers of you peeled back. And for lack of a better word, it has been miraculous.
    In keeping with that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being the you that you want to be. The one that you choose to show. Most of all, the one that you miss.
    No matter what name you use, you’re always there. You always have been. – Just lying beneath the surface, waiting to be awakened again.
    Do what you need to do, in order to make you feel better. Life is too short to be unhappy.
    What ever it takes, remember?
    Love you.
    ~ Hugs ~

  3. absolutely go do the things that inspire you, that make you burn with passion. Anxiety, depression and other mental health issues try to rob us of our lives, and it’s easy to sit back, curl up and say “when this is gone I’ll start living again”. The truth is, that never happens, so live now. Everything you miss about yourself is still there within you, and going through the horrible stuff makes you an even better, stronger and brighter soul. Enjoy the journey, be kind to yourself always and you’ll fly. The only limit to your life is your mind 🙂

    • I agree with your comment. I can’t think of how many times I’ve laid in bed thinking, when this bout of increased depression is over, I’ll get interested in my books again, or I’ll start watching that new show, or I’ll go hang out with my friends. But, the truth is, doing those things, even if you have to force yourself to do them, will help pull you out of your depression quicker.

  4. Wow!!!! I understand losing yourself but I don’t know how it feels from what has happened with you. You are deep in my thoughts and deep in my heart! I am always around if you’d like to talk. Amy Bernal

    Sent from my iPad


  5. JD, this post made my heart ache for you. It hurts my heart knowing that you feel so lost, so vulnerable, so not yourself anymore. Your books have touched so many people, possibly have helped others come out about their abuse, or internally heal. You were so brave to write the books, to come out about the horrific childhood you endured.

    I know what it is like to feel like you’re just existing, just a shell of a person, not doing anything besides whatever it takes to sustain your life. It is not a way to live, at all. That being said, I would like to see you start doing the things you enjoy again. Do what makes you happy, what you enjoy. You have so many people backing you up who want nothing more than to see you enjoy life. Please do this for you, you deserve it.

  6. JD, you are one of the most in touch people I know. Someone who is less in touch with their innermost self would probably try to drown their sorrows in alcohol, drugs, or risky experiences. Doing the things you love is a part of who you are. I think it’s a good idea to have a fake name on facebook. You do have to, after all, protect yourself and your family from some of the crazy stalkers that are out there. I understand what the feeling that you have lost yourself is like. This is one of the reasons why I am certain I will never marry again.
    Why not give yourself a little holiday? You deserve it.

  7. My awesome, strong, amazing friend, I am so sorry you feel lost. Those masks do help us feel safe, but they can also make us sacrifice parts of ourselves to maintain them. What everyone has already said above is true. Be good to yourself, do what you miss, find yourself again. You are important. You matter. You deserve all the happiness you can grab. Get to it, young man! Love and hugs.

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