I have been meaning to write this post for a long while now. I know I don’t post so much here any longer. A lot is trying not to bore people, trying not to sound like I am whining all the time and some is just trying to stay afloat in my own mind.
I was in a class a few weeks ago, we were studying sex offenders. I was a little anxious when the class began, I didn’t know what to expect and worried the class might trigger me. It maybe did in a way, but perhaps a good way. We studied people who sexually abuse children as part of this class. I am not going to call them paedophiles. I feel that is like saying that is all they are, but I am not defending them either. The act they commit is wrong.
We were learning about why. Why do they do this? Because when people here about it, the first thing they think is that sick bastard. Should be shot. Should be hung etc.
Why is probably one of the hardest questions I have. Why me? What was it that caused it? Why not my brother? So many whys that plague me for so many years and the answer came in this class. It is hard to explain, but I will try.
Many people who sexually offend against children lack social skills. I don’t mean that they can’t be social, or can’t talk, but something about them is different. They lack that thing that connects them to another. So their relationships feel empty. Usually this comes from things in their own childhoods. Not abuse, but maybe an overly strict parent, maybe a parent who didn’t hug them. Something that meant they didn’t quite learn how to connect with others. So they feel different.
My father’s parents weren’t abusive, but his mother was a gambler and his father worked a lot to pay for that habit, this meant that my father didn’t have much parental time, which meant that these skills never developed in him.
So he met my mother, and what he got was someone who was domineering, didn’t listen to him, wasn’t the same as him. People like my father have problems with peers. They just can’t fit in with them. Then this child comes along. Not just any child, but one that the adult can connect with, intimately and when I use that word, I don’t mean sex. I mean like a close friend. That’s what the child becomes. And this was where my why is. My father likes to read. He likes science. He is intelligent, but he had these parts missing and then I came along. Someone who is so similar to him in mind. Quiet, a reader, someone who likes to think. I was reading by the time I was five, suddenly my father has this connection with a human that he has never had before. Someone he can talk to, but also because this someone was a child, there was no fear of rejection, he was at the top and I was at the bottom in the hierarchy. So he had control. And this is generally what it is. So how does it get from having a friend to sex? I guess this is the part where it gets screwed up. Where the adult wants to get closer and closer to the child and they do, the child becomes like a relationship partner and sex is generally a part of that. Suddenly the child is no longer a child, not in the eyes of this adult at least.
I realised in this class that it wouldn’t have mattered if I was the first born, or his tenth child, he’d have picked me every single time, because it was something about me, but not something that was bad. It was because I was the one he connected with the most, because I was the one who was most like him.
In some sick twisted sense, it feels like a compliment.
I am not saying what he did was right, but this, if you can understand what I am saying, it is the answer to that question. Why?
You already know my thoughts on this subject regarding you. That being said, my opinion may be viewed as a little subjective, but hopefully not offensive to anyone. I have always said to you, do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to help get you through the day, through the hour, through the minute. And so, I hope this helps you to better deal with the horrors that you have in endured, and continue to go through.
I do agree fully with Charity, in that, It makes sense. However, there is a line that should never be crossed … especially by a parent. And no matter the amount of the excuses, or logic, or reason that is applied to those acts or thoughts; it is never acceptable. Never.
I love you. NMW
~ Hugs. ღ
There could be a million valid reasons as to why–a basis in your father’s mind for all that he did–but what he subjected you to, the pain he caused, the hurt and abuse, and the hundreds of ways he took advantage of an innocent, young boy, none of that can ever, or should ever, be excused or forgiven.
The best part about all you wrote above is the fact that there is realisation that there was never anything bad in you that drew all these things. That self-blame and accusation can at last stop. There is no evil inside. There is nothing you did to make people be bad. All you did was be the amazing little boy you were.
You are such an awesome person! It takes a lot to be a victim of something so unpleasant and still be able to step outside of the box and view the other persons point of view and reasoning. Thank you for this post, it answered a lot of questions.
Because he could connect with you in domineering ways he being the dominant since he was older and more mature and you being the submissive. Your love for knowledge triggered his actions with you. You again were not to blame for his actions. You may have encouraged him at some point, so you think but in actuality you were seeking acceptance by him. You were seeking to be loved by him. As you told your mother that the doctor kept looking at her and that he passed your house looking fot her, you were actually looking for acceptance and love from her. If your older brother showed the same thirst for knowledge your father would have chosen him instead. He didn’t accept your doing well in school since he never attended school whether a higher level or uni. So he was threatened by that fact. So he instigated again. And you attending school would lower his ability to dominate you. So he tried to derail your course in going to school.
You continue to amaze me in the ways you grow in your understanding. I am glad this class helped you in your growth. I agree with Cyn that this does not excuse your father or anyone else who abuses children and leaves them with years and years of trauma to deal with. You remain the bravest man I know and I love the amazing person you are.
Very well thought out. I can relate to your reasoning. I have tried myself at times to understand the terrible things that happened in my family. There are so many different factors that could come into play. I really appreciate you sharing your insights with us. Quite thought provoking.
I am very very happy you found an answer because now you know you are just perfect, nothing´s wrong with you. Is wonderful you are studying something is helping you and at the same time you can help other people. Thank you for sharing.
This brought tears to my eyes. Looking at it this way gives a whole new perspective as to why things happen the way they do. I do understand your view that it’s almost a compliment, it’s as if he’s saying you’re the right fit, you have the right attributes, every child strives to be right in their parents’ eyes. Not that you could have known or controlled that. As you said, it doesn’t make it right, but anything to help explain why is a step forward in the healing process. A process that likely will last a lifetime.
Hugs to you, my dear friend ♡
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