The Plunge and Life

happy-pills-istock_000001056304mediumSo I did it. I took the plunge and tried medication … I never thought I’d say that. If you know me and have read my books, then you know that taking any form of medication was off my list. I refused Decided that I could deal with my mind and I’d get through it.

I’ve been on a downward spiral for a while now. A good few years I just couldn’t get off the damn slide and I was slipping farther and farther down it. It’s been really coming to a head these last few months. Over Christmas time I struggled so hard just to get myself out of bed and I’d have these arguments with myself almost. Like why was I feeling this way? But no matter what I did I couldn’t shake it. My self-harm has been so bad. I’ve had so many stitches. I’ve landed myself at the hospital. It’s just been a total nightmare with this monster in my head.

I’ve been on my medication for four weeks now. I started at a lower dose and then my doctor doubled it, mostly because I was afraid of taking this leap, but my god. I know these meds take 2-3 months to work, but I already see the benefit from it. I’ve not self-harmed in four weeks. Four Weeks!!! That deserves those exclamation marks, because before I started, I would be lucky to say four hours.

I’m not saying the medication has fixed me, or cured me, but it’s certainly had a great effect on me and my mood. I’m still struggling with my anxiety. That’s increased a little bit. It’s such a strange thing. My anxiety has increased, but I can cope with it better. Rather than having a full blown out episode, I can stop and say to myself, okay. This is my anxiety. Let’s deal with it.

I have some side effects too, but nothing I would say are overly adverse. I’m grinding my teeth to the point that my jaw aches and I have to stop it. Sometimes I feel a little spaced out, so I take my medication before bed and seem to sleep that off. I can’t multitask like I used to. My mind seems to want to focus on one thing and if I try to add more, then it has a freeze up. Not really a bad thing I guess. Multitasking is bad for you anyway. I have to most weird vivid dreams. They feel so real. Sometimes they’re horrible, actually more often than not they’re horrible, but I am sleeping. I sleep all night I also find that I need to get the full eight hours now. If I don’t I get sluggish the next day. Also not really a bad thing. But so far so good. I can’t really say they’re major bad things really. Just things that I notice.

I feel a lot of anger recently, though. I’m not actually sure if that is my medication, or that is stuff that I’ve held inside for so long coming out.

My father has had a do not resuscitate order placed upon him. He wanted me to take it off. He was quite upset about it. But he isn’t of sound mind. He was upset because he believes himself to be going to work every day, and he isn’t. he can’t even get to the bathroom now. It was very hard for me to fight this because I felt like I was holding his life in my hands. And ironic all at the same time, that I am the one with these choices. I am the one who suddenly has come control on my father’s life and he has to trust that I will do what’s best for him and that I’ll care for him.

It creates a lot of anger for me I’m losing my dad and I’m fighting with my emotions inside. The part of me that is his child wants to grieve at the coming loss and the part of me that is so angry at the things he has done, doesn’t understand why I am upset. It’s almost like I can’t comprehend that I am upset about him. And all these years, all the family has ever seen is that we’ve been at war with each other He’s seemed to hate me all my life and I’ve done so well to wear a mask that shows it doesn’t hurt me, that I don’t know how to take that mask off now in front of my family and show that I am upset. Somehow even the right to be upset has been taken from me and if I try to take it back, I feel like a fraud.

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8 thoughts on “The Plunge and Life

  1. Oh, JD, I am so happy for you. How freeing these meds have been for you over all. How wonderful to not HAVE to self harm and be able to sleep eight hours a night. You’re right, the side effects are there, but they may diminish over time. I am so very proud of you for taking the leap.

    As far as your dad, you know I’ll support you whatever decision you make. I stepped out from behind my mask, and am now getting the backlash in the form of vile anonymous notes on my Word Press account. Baby steps, always baby steps for all of us.

  2. So happy that the new meds are helping you. The issues with your father will never go away and you just have to cope with them. You hold your father’s outcome in your hanfs but think is he truly living right now? When he’s lucid does he cause issues for you? Whatever you decide with the DNR just remember that he has already left and the remains are just existing. Your a good and honest man. You deserve so much. Make peace with yourself nothing will change. If you need to come clean with your family do so just to clear the air so to speak but why bring up old issues ans cause more grief? Maybe just speak with your brother and just let it out and may make you feel better. Remember baby steps by friend and all will fall into place.

  3. You already know how I feel. However, I must add this; your bravery is like no other. Your resolve is astounding. And your character, well, if nothing else, your animals and grandkids can attest to your true heart. To me, you are all that is good and kind.
    As I have said, the man I met six years ago, the one who, with his t-shirt drawn up to just beneath his eyes, who shyly pecked away at his keyboard, in an effort to try and tell his story… to share his “secret,” would not have taken the steps that you have, in recent months. The fact that you have chosen to publicly share all of this, speaks volumes about your progress. You are definitely headed in the right direction.
    Regarding your dad- as you have said; it’s quite ironic. That after everything he’s done to you, now you are the one that holds his life / his future, in your hands. I believe that everything you’ve been through so far in your life, has prepared you for this next step. No matter how painful. No matter how maddening.
    You deserve to be able to truly enjoy life, and what is has to offer, without sadness, uncertainty, and most of all… guilt. Especially the guilt of feeling bad, for not feeling bad (for not being able to show it) I borrow a quote from another man I read about, (who was struggling) that I think we all could take a lesson from. – “Sometimes doing the right thing does not make everyone happy; just the people who need it most.”
    The choices that you must make in the coming days, by far, will not be easy; but they will be what’s best.
    Saying it again) keep going, Baby, just keep moving forward. No one (in good conscience)can fault you for trying… for doing your best. Because that’s all you can do.
    I love you. I am SO proud of you. And I am both blessed and proud to have you as a friend.
    Hugs. ~ ღ ~

  4. I’m proud of you for giving the med’s a shot!!! I suffer from lots anxiety, and have had issues with the effects of it!! I am on med’s and it has helped! As for your dad, I can only imagine the anger that you hold in!! However, after all that has been done, YOU have emerged the better person!!! YOU are THE amazing one with more strength than he will ever know!!! YOU, sir are a real man and gentleman!! You deserve to have the anger, the part that is unfair is that you feel you have to hold it in!!! You, will have to know and come to peace with the fact that he will never apologize or admit the things that have been done!!! Narcissistic people never do!!! That is what you will have to make peace with!!! You will do the right thing because you are a better person than he!!! Good luck with your med’s and your dad!!! May you find peace, even if it is in your own way!!!

  5. I’m so happy for you!!! Yep, you deserve so many exclamation points!! I know it’s not perfect, but I can feel the relief you are feeling through your words. For once, I’m not going to go on and on.

  6. I was similar to you for several years. I always avoided psych meds as I believed that if I took them, I would become zombie like. Finally, in my 40’s, I agreed to at least try them, as I could no longer cope with the constant hell in my head. Best decision I ever made. I’m so glad for you that you are already starting to feel some of the benefits of the medication after only 4 weeks.

  7. JD I am soooooooooooooo happy for you. The fact that you can tell they are working already is great, and the no self harm in 4 was is AWESOME!!! 😆 Everything has side effects, but your body will adapt and hopefully you will overcome them. Sometimes they don’t last as you get used to taking the meds. As for you and your dad, I really feel for you bcuz you are in a tough situation and have all the cards. I wish you the BEST ALWAYS. When the time comes, you’ll make the right decision in the end. 💖

  8. You are the bravest person I can think of. You inspire me to treasure what I have got. And I wish you well for the future

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