I enjoyed my sexual abuse

I enjoyed my sexual abuse

Weird title for a blog post, right? Weird thing for anyone to say. Let me explain it.

It’s taken me years to write that one line. So many years, you have no idea. Why am I writing it now? Well because maybe someone else can’t say it.

Do you know how many times I have googled that phrase? So many. Like this compulsive need in me to know that I am not sick, that I am not perverted, that there is not something wrong with me. I just needed to find one thing that validated that statement and let me ease the burden I feel inside every time I think that.

I tried searching it even yesterday and I can find reports about childhood victims having their bodies react, or they become aroused. Places like the NSPCC use phrases like, forced pleasure.

I remember when I was eleven years old, there was this child helpline that opened. I believe it still exists. ChildLine? Maybe. I went to the call box two blocks from my house and I dialled the number. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe no one would answer me, after all they hadn’t in the past, so why now. But this woman did answer me and I put the phone down. I stared at it for ages, unable to breathe, feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like a liar.

What was I supposed to say? My father was sexually abusing me? It was lies. He wasn’t.

There was an incestuous relationship there, but to me it was like stealing sweets with your mate and then running to tell the shop keeper your mate did it, while hiding a bar of chocolate in my pocket. That was how it felt with my dad. How could I tell anyone when I was part of it?

Everything they teach children is that they won’t like it. That it hurts … yeah, it did hurt when I was younger. But not like they say.

Sometimes I think to myself that that was the most dominant relationship I had. I would write the word best, but that’s not the right word and I can’t think what else to use, but then when I think about it, maybe it was. From the age of 4 to at least 19 it was happening. That’s probably the longest sexual relationship I’ve ever had in my life. It’s natural we measure future things with past things, so why wouldn’t I use that one?

I sit here now, wondering why I am writing this. I don’t really know. Aside from to tell someone else looking like I do that they aren’t alone. I don’t have any piece of wondrous advice about it.

It plagues me a lot. Makes my head spin when I try to think about it and think it logically. I still can’t say I was sexually abused because it still feels like lies. I know people will say I was innocent because I was a child, but nah. I wasn’t. I remember my head. I remember being the one to start things sometimes. It was like some craving inside myself that needed it, wanted it even. I don’t even know why.

Maybe I craved the arousal and the release.

It was always like a bad cycle when I was a kid. I’d try not to go to him. If I didn’t go, he’d leave me alone. But I’d give in. Climb in bed and then afterwards, I’d cut my arms in my room, cut my legs, carve words into my skin like freak and fuck. I’d cry myself to sleep most of the time. That seemed to get worse the older I was. I don’t even know why.

Sometimes now, those thoughts still keep me awake and I feel them in my chest like a wound-up ball that stops me breathing. It makes me want to cut. It makes me want to hurt him inside.

It was my fault.

I liked it.

I wanted it.

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “I enjoyed my sexual abuse

  1. We all crave love and hugs from from our parents. I think you knew this was the only way to get that feeling of being loved even though you knew that it wasn’t supposed to be that way. You were wanting love from him and unfortunately that’s the only way he gave you “love”. I wish with everything in me that you could see that you were NEVER at fault! But you know what I will be around to keep telling you ❤

  2. You are very brave writing while nobody would say it. You are helping people because you are the voice you have needed and never founded. On the other hand it was the only way you will have phisical contact with your father, children need contact even if the only way is to be beaten or abused, of course is something unconscious. Maybe also very inside you rather to be the guilty and not your father. Or maybe you wanted to punish yourself in a vicious circle. In any case of course you are not guilty. I hope you do not blame yourself anymore. You deserve to be happy.

  3. Dear JD Stockholm,
    Bravo for writing your sentence. I wish I had read it when I was in my 20s. I was 53 and I am now 64 before I was able to say the words. Not saying them kept me suicidally depressed my whole life. I finally wrote about it and got my book published in 2014. It’s called “But I LIKED It…and other Lies.“ The only way I was able to write it was by thinking of all the other girls for believing the lie, basically the same exact reason as yours. Not wanting to profit from a story of what happened to me all the proceeds, (the few that there are,) I’ll go to the Kalamazoo Anti Human Trafficking Coalition. I’m kinda disturbed that it never appeared during one of your Google searches. Oh well. Our stories are so similar. But I have been mentally healthy for 12 years and I actually enjoy my life now so restoration is possible and that’s how I turned my mess inside a message of hope for others.

  4. Conditioning. We as children are grown up being conditioned on what is right, what is wrong, and what is done to us is “normal”, because the people we are told are the ones who are there to teach us right from wrong and supposed to show us love and affection have the power to “hard wire” our brain.
    You enjoyed it, because in some way, you were conditioned in believing this is how love was shown. And until you got older and understood things differently, you didn’t know better. And once we’re “programmed” it’s hard to rewire us. It’s not shameful to say you liked it. You’re one of the bravest people I know…..and we’ve had many chats in the past….and even though our pasts aren’t a mirror of the others, we still have familiar patterns, thoughts and feelings.
    I’ve found a book that is really, REALLY interesting and has helped me out a lot called “The Body Keeps The Score”. Read it, as I know you do enjoy reading and learning new things everyday as I do, and this book does that. Even tells of test studies with MRI’s, EEG’s and such as they’re studying and learning about PTSD and such each and every day. First book I’ve read in ages where I’m actually highlighting and making notes to the margin.
    Love you my friend….and I know I’ve been silent for a while now, but just been working on ME for once and my kids.

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I wish I had some magical answer for you as to why we do the things we do. I can tell you that I think you’re a wonderfully brave man with such a good heart & soul. You are very easy to love and because of that you bring out the very best in the people around you. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. 💝

  6. Not your fault, never was, never will be. Children seek love, acceptance and safety from our parents. You say you sometimes craved it, you were trained to, but your need to cut afterwards clearly says something wasn’t feeling right to you. But how can it be wrong because the one who’s supposed to love you, ensure your safety, your happiness was grooming you, but really that person has violated that most sacred trust. Life is too short to not spend it being as happy as we can be, to strive to live our best life. I know, much easier said than done…but who wants to get towards the end of their life regretting things they could have done, things they had some control of.
    Much love to you! ♥ and lots of virtual hugs!!

  7. Groomed ..I’m thinking your father succeeded in achieving what he’d spent years setting in motion and that was for you to be the one who went to him, to please him and feel good, for you to like it need it and want it and to give yourself blame that was what was essential for it to be kept secret. It’s not your fault you’re not guilty you were the little boy who’s body worked properly

  8. Thank you so much for being so open and honest, and for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings. You are right; this issue is not usually talked about. There is always the assumption that the child was hurt by the abuse; at least physically. You can’t always control the body’s natural response to stimuli, or even the secret wanting that may develop. The book “Push” ( later renamed “Precious” as a tie in to the movie. ) has some great examples of this. I hope that your honesty will touch the lives of others who experienced child abuse.

  9. It was not your fault. It was your body and mind reacting to the actions of your abuser. This makes me think of things I don’t want to think about, but it is a subject that needs to be talked about. Too many victims feel shame and self loathing for letting it happen, wanting it to happen. I use the word victim, because that is exactly what you, me and countless others were and still are. Thank you for sharing. You having the courage to talk about it brings awareness. There are countless doctors and books that can explain and tell you why you reacted the way you did, this doesn’t always make it easier. Knowing that there are others who struggle with the same issues can help make you feel less freakish. I hope it helps you by opening up about it.

  10. My wish for you is that you find
    beauty in the darkness,
    heaven in the hell,
    and true love
    in the depths of another’s eyes.
    I wish you respite from fear,
    the courage to make change,
    and the tenacity the likes
    of a stubborn child,
    to follow your dreams
    and never give up on them,
    because others will,
    and that is their misfortune.
    I wish you peace inside chaos,
    strength in the midst of hard times
    and joy after grief.
    My wish for you is that you find yourself,
    love yourself, and never lose yourself again,
    now and in the rest of the years
    you grace this world with your presence.
    Nicole Lyons

    You are who you are today because of the way you were raised. I wish I could have changed that, but then you wouldn’t be you. My wish is for you to know how much you are loved and that you love yourself.

  11. Let me just say.. Thank you! What you wrote touched my heart. You made me feel that I wasn’t / not alone. I won’t go into what happened here.. just know you helped me put some pieces together. I have your story on my kindle, I just haven’t been brave enough to read it.. yet. You are a gift to many.. your words do touch lives. ❤

  12. You are honest and brave and human. Our bodies and minds aren’t always in sync and we certainly don’t understand the whys of many things we do. But your motives for revealing this are so commendable that the ‘why’ of this post is more important than the ‘what’. (I hope that makes sense). You will help others and I hope that this will also help you. You’re loved all the more!

  13. It wasn’t your fault. The behaviour of children is learned behaviour. What happened to you was abuse of the mind and body, at the hands of an adult who knew better. Deep down inside you didn’t fully enjoy it and you knew that it was bad, because of how how you have described that you felt afterwards and the severe trauma and phychological issues you have experienced. On a subconscious level, you knew that what was happening to you wasn’t okay. Your parents somehow managed to get you to believe you were in anyway responsible, through many years of manipulation on a young and impressionable mind. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I remember a friend of your saying something along the lines of ‘congratulations, your body works’ unfortunately, the mind can be more easily corrupted. You have come so far. I’m very proud of you. 💜

  14. I understand completely. I also battled with this and I have never said it aloud but yes my body responded as well. In a way I liked it but that doesn’t mean I wanted it. It doesn’t mean you did either. Not really. We wanted the “love”. We wanted the attention. We did not want to be abused. It wasn’t my father but many adult men in and out of my mother or my sisters lives. It’s like I had a target on my forehead or sonething. Thank you

  15. A lot of these people don’t seem to understand. You cut yourself because you knew you shouldn’t like it and did anyways. Because you knew you shouldn’t want it but did anyways. I have gone through a similar experience, although not in childhood. I don’t think it matters how old you are. People think children understand and comprehend less than they do. In the end it really is our fault isn’t it? They might have started it but we let it happen.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s