How do you fight your brain with your brain?

How do you fight your brain with your brain?

I sit here today, feeling somewhat a mess, and I don’t even know why. All I want to do is slip from my chair, get under my desk and hide. If I thought it would help, I’d consider it. All I can do instead, is sit at my desk with my head in my hands, and try to think myself into feeling better, but the thing I need to use to feel better is the same part of me that doesn’t feel well, and all my thoughts seem to do is crash.

I write this, and I don’t feel real. I make my fingers go across the keys and words are coming out on the screen, but none of it makes any sense to me because I just feel like an echo in my own head and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Part of me whispers that I could make everything stop if I wanted to. I could fix it, end it. Maybe. I feel like I could stand somewhere really high and just fall back and it wouldn’t matter anyway, because I’m not really real.

I hate when I feel this way and as I write, my head asks me why I am writing. Why would anyone care what I feel? I may or may not post this on my blog, if you’re reading this, then I posted it …obviously.

Do you know what is the real kicker with my mental health? I have OCD as well and so when I sit here thinking, please let me die, my OCD whispers, well what if you wish that and get cancer? Maybe I can make myself sick by wishing it and so I get afraid to wish I could die and then afraid to be here and it all becomes a mess, and do you see the problem I have.

My skin is tingling with all of this and my thoughts won’t stay still and at the moment, I can’t sleep. Sometimes I rock myself to sleep. That’s been a habit of self-soothing since I was a child, but when I get off to sleep, then I can’t stay asleep and I am checking for something. I don’t even know what it is.

I wish I could die from myself, does that even make sense? Like if I could get rid of the part of me that is switched onto this brain … if I could just cut that part out. I feel like a bunch of different people trapt inside one body and they’re all fighting to take control.

This is all just part of my dissociation condition, and I know that, but it doesn’t make it any better knowing.

I learnt to dissociate at such a young age. I was reading that this actually makes it harder to recover, the younger you are. But I don’t know. It helped me get through things when I was little. I wish I could go back some days and just kill that child I used to be. At least then I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t feel everything in my head.

If there was an easy way to make everything over without hurting those who mean something to me, I would do it. Time travel seems about the only option and that’s not something real either.

I’d go to the doctors if I thought it would help, but they don’t know what to do. Not really. How can they? They could put me on some unit somewhere and let me sit in these feelings with no means of doing anything to myself, but that wouldn’t fix what I feel. If I am just going to sit and wait it out, I can do that here.

Or they’d give me more medication. I already take something.

They say if you feel suicidal to tell someone. So, I’m telling you, whoever you are reading this. I’m sure it’s a trick my mind wants to play on me. I’m sure I won’t do anything. But it’s how I feel. It’s what my head whispers.

I’m sorry.

I’m just going to go and lie in the middle of my floor where I can feel safe from myself.

11 thoughts on “How do you fight your brain with your brain?

  1. James I really don’t know what to say other than I am glad you are here, not that you are hurting, i would never wish that for you, but that you are still with us after everything you have been through just shows how strong you are, I really can’t imagine all the thoughts going through your head, but I am so glad you reached out to us, that you feel you can put your words and thoughts down, and just know that we are going to read them, We are always going to be here for you, to listen to you and for a shoulder to lean on, I just wish we could do something in the “real world” for you, be there and help in some way, please please look after yourself, confide in T and let her help you xx

  2. I wish with all my heart that I could wrap my arms around you. I know that won’t solve anything. You mean so much not only to your family but also to your friends. I know we may never meet but you my friend are an important person in my life. I’m glad that you are sharing. We love you and want you to be happy. You are such a strong and caring person. You have no idea how many people you help by sharing the things you do with us. I know it’s not easy. Yes there are a few people that are truly friends, but I hope that the rest of us can help you ignore those few. Just know that you aren’t alone. You always have us here. ❤

  3. I wish that there was something that I could do to help. Thank goodness you are talking to someone, maybe not face to face, but even here you are letting your thoughts out, it is a burden shared. Please know that you are not alone, there are many people who love and care for you, who are willing to support you when you need it. You are a strong man, even though you cannot see it, find your inner strength and fight. Fight for YOU, fight for your family. Your friends are here ready and willing to support you.

  4. We are all here for you. Sending you hugs and hoping you feel better. I wish I had the solution to make it all better for, because you are an amazing person who is loved by so many. 💜
    My thoughts are with you

  5. Never give up because whether you see it or not, you’re the glue to our little group and we would all miss you terribly. I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling but, I’ve seen it enough times with my own family, if you have cancer you sèe a Doctor. If that Doctor isn’t fixing you you, you see another. Why not that with your mental illness? Maybe a different Doctor can prescribe something different that’s new out that would work a lot better. Love ya.

  6. I’ll be honest and to the point. You need to get yourself out of that room, just for today. The longer you sit there and put pressure on yourself, the more you are hurting yourself. Sit outside, play with the kids and grand kids, sit under a beautiful tree that has warm, protective vibes. Put on some music and sing loudly with it. Do some baking. Make cup cakes with funny faces. Your life is worth living. There are many people who would agree with this.

  7. Jamie – I am really lost for words I wish I could help you .
    I can listen .

    To me your exceptional and so brave …

    Sending love xxxx

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