I am …

I am a whisper you can’t hear. A child you can’t save. I am every part of every soul crushing moment when I have tried to stand tall and all my mind could do was grab me, pull the veins from my body and splay them out on the ground in a pile of dark, black strands.

I am dark, silent, tormented. I am a master at the lie of I am okay. I’m fine … fine, like the dying breath of an aching soul. Fine like the last beat of my heart you can’t hear.

You can’t be my friend because you don’t understand. You think you do, but that is a lie, to yourself, not me.

You think yourself a hero, something marvellous, someone who can read my story and put me back together, but who says that’s what I want.

Maybe I want to be broken? Maybe I like all the sharp edges that dig into my skin every time I find the energy to move. Maybe they are my super power, did you ever think about that?

You want to be my friend, but really what want is to ease the pain of a collective conscience the world has. But it cannot heal it. You cannot heal me.

You will sit there and tell me I am not what I believe. That I am not as broken as I think, but I sit here and tell you, you deny me my voice, my thoughts. You try to tell me what I think is wrong, and isn’t that the very thing that got me to this place in the first place?

I can thread my hands into my hair and pull with all the power I can muster … pull until my scalp stings and the painful agony as my flesh wants to rip away. I can claw down my face with nails that have been both friend, and enemy in my life.

I am an echo in my own head, a dream inside a bubble, a nightmare in my memory. I am lost.

And you, my unfriendly friend, do not understand.

 

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10 thoughts on “I am …

  1. Breaks my heart reading this, if someone has made you feel so lost or understood. I love you, all those broken nasty bits that make you who you are, I love each and very one of them. And, I can see through your “I’m okay or i’m fine”, I can feel your pain as if I were standing next to you. I’m here for you Mister, as your friend, and someone who loves you very dearly xx

    • We all have our own shit to deal with, some just have more to deal with than others (your’s top the cake). . but, we don’t give up because it would hurt the ones we love too much if we did. The things we do for our love ones eh. Love you!

  2. I know my words won’t change anything or ease your mind but please know that your pain is something that affects those close to you. Your feelings matter even if they can’t be changed by what others say. 💚

  3. I’ll take you anyway you are. I know can’t change anything, but like you’ve said before, everything you’ve been through has made you the wonderful person you are. If this is you’re way to push away too bad, I’m not going any where! ❤

  4. I am now and will forever always be your friend no matter. Dark or light you’ve attached youself to my heart. You are who you are there’s no shame in that only truth which most are to scared to let others see. Thank you for being you. xxxooxxx

  5. Even though I personally do not know you. I care about you as a person. I can’t change anything you have gone through. No one can. However, WE care. I’m always there for my friends who need someone just to scream at. I don’t fix anything! Just an ear to listen. You have people who care, we can’t fix anything. We can show you a brighter future one little thread at a time.

  6. We know when you tell us your fine that you’re really not fine at all! and I know I’ll never be able to truely feel your exausting daily battles and rituals that help you stay a float. I am your friend, I’m here, I’m real, Im staying, I want to stay, I will stay, I want to read your thoughts and feelings, talking and writing to us helps you doesn’t it? You will always be tucked up safe, warm, loved and cared for in my heart

  7. One thing I know for sure is their are only a handful of people, that has made me laugh, cry , scream, would of killed for to protect, shared your imagination, your truth, your fantasy with some truth, your disappointment, joy, suffering, passions, downfalls, humor, nightmares, dreams that became successful and you’ve pulled me back from emotions that had me shaking and crying with snot running out of my nose, all while reading your story. There were times I didn’t want to finish your truth because it was more than I could handle, but then, you’d tell me ,” I survived,”. And I kept going because if you are strong enough to tell your truth, then I have to be strong enough to keep reading. So you’re right ,,you’re not my friend,,you are my hero who has good days and bad days. A WARRIOR.

  8. JD, you know you hold a special place in my heart. And I have been one of those guilty of wishing I could save you. I could not save my son, and I cannot save you. But I can offer an ear to listen when you need that. I can tell you all the reasons you need to stick around. I cannot understand all you have dealt with but everything you have written that I have read gives me a glimpse into your heart and soul. You are a good man, a survivor, but even more a brave soldier for your life. I understand that all that went before has shaped you into the wonderful person you are today, broken, bruised, but still clinging on. I love you and will never leave you, until my own death.

  9. Yep, I’m still here. Sigh. I’ve been struggling with what to say, and how to say it. I’ve seen all the replies. I’ve seen that your initial post was more…. dare I say, determined. But what pains me the most, is that (no guilt trip here, just what I see) while you seem to be able to express your pain and feelings better, (which I applaud) you have hurt some of those who truly care. Now, I don’t expect anyone to like what I’m saying, especially you, but I think we’ve shared enough crap of our lives with each other, that I can be frank with you.
    Sorry in advance if any offense is taken by anyone … but not sorry, because to me you’re worth it. Have been since the day we met.

    I wrestled with myself about posting this or not, for fear of making things worse possibly; but then I heard your voice in my head saying, “Share away.”
    Because that’s who you are.
    You may shut me down for what I’m about to say, but here goes anyway because you know I have never held back and I’m not about to do it now.
    It wouldn’t be right.
    It wouldn’t be me.

    Remember when you said it’s not easy being your friend? Well, obviously, I am not alone (anymore) in remaining loyal… no matter what you throw. But you knew that.
    The people who have stayed – through all of it… who still care… who still think you’re amazing… and tell you so… I think they deserve to be one.

    I agree with everything that Kathleen said, and more. In fact, I’m going to say a bit more. Call it a rant, if you like.

    When I read this, at first I felt the usual – sad for you, empathetic for you, angry for you, etc… then I got a bit angry… for the rest of us.

    I’m sorry you’re hurting.

    I get that you’re tired.
    Just. So. Tired.

    I said long ago, that I just wanted to scoop you and your cats up and bring you all home with me. Maybe that was me trying to “fix”you. I have learned through trial and error (a LOT of errors) that, that is not the solution. If there even is one.

    Bluntness alert. You remember those…

    Hero?! Seriously???
    Ha, I guess YOU don’t know me as well as I thought. And that, my friend. Yes, FRIEND, makes me sad. Or angry. Right now, I don’t know which to feel.
    I’m trying to remember just exactly when it was, that I ever thought of my self as ANY kind of hero, or as someone who could put you back together. If anything, I have said more than once … “Make me understand.”
    And you did.
    Remember when I said to you, “Congratulations. You’re human.”
    You know as well as I do, that in that moment… that startling, eye-opening, ah ha, moment… that I indeed, understood. And so did you.

    I also take a bit of offense when you say none of us understands you.

    Maybe I’m only fooling myseIf, when I say, I understand that basically, you want to feel your pain because it’s possibly the only thing you can feel. That it’s all you deserve.
    Or, perhaps, because you cannot feel anything else…because it helps you to feel everything. Anything.
    IE: your brilliance in putting it into your writing.

    It lies underneath all the other emotions you portray to the world. It’s the only thing you know better than anything else to feel. It’s familiar. Therefore, it is comfortable. It is always lingering. Looming. Waiting. Casting a dark aching cloud/mood of dread, sadness, and perhaps even anger into any and all parts of your life. Waiting for it’s to turn to resurface. To take over. To take its rightful place in your mind …in your life. Because that’s what you deserve. It’s your only TRUE friend, right?

    Yes, we care about you. Yes, we want you to feel better about yourself. Yes… we know you are brilliant.
    What you don’t understand is that we believe that love, caring, admiring, and yes, understanding (or at least trying to) can help to override the darkness, depression, and pure loathing (at times) you have for yourself.
    … If only for a moment.
    Because that’s the way we feel. Because we want to help you.
    Not because of some, what was it… collective conscience the world has?
    No. It is simply, and quite purely, love.

    All of this, all of this love, I don’t feel you actually understand. How it could be directed at you. How it is deserved by you. So how could you absorb it or the very least, accept it?
    I get it.
    How could you even fathom- truly fathom, that someone would put YOU before themselves?
    Mind-blowing isn’t it? Yes, I was being sarcastic.

    I believe that true love, no matter the degree, or kind, is unconditional. Any of us who knows you even halfway well, (forgive my grammar) knows the “love” given to you by the ones who SHOULD’VE loved you more than anything…was never unconditional. Ever.
    And that is an utter shame. They missed out in the exceptional person that you were. That you are.
    That is your reality.
    Until it wasn’t.
    Until you were shown it.
    Until you were given it.
    Until you lived it.
    Unconditionally.
    When you met your partner in life.
    When you had your children.
    When you met some of us.

    And though it’s not a condition that you allow us in, but we too, all have our demons. We are no different than you in that sense. Every single one of us has them. We’d be lying if we said we didn’t. True, none of us has experienced all the horrendous and unforgivable things of the life that you have. (At least I hope not)

    However, more than once, you’ve said to me, in not so many words- no one’s pain or sorrow should be lessened by, or because of, those of another. I’m sure in everyone’s world, who has experienced terrible things, that they are haunted – possibly as much as you are.

    Some of us fight them off(or pretend to be tough, or “over it”, or bury them so deep that they may never see the “light of day” again) better than others. And when we cannot fight them off, we look to people who we see as a sort of a yes, hero, to use your word.

    We look to people like you- people with resolve, courage, brilliance humor, intelligence, and integrity, whether it is a facade or not. Because it gives us hope. And in turn, we like to return the favor by trying to give you hope, to care about you, and show you unconditional love.
    Because that’s who WE are.
    Your friends.

    And so, when you speak up and say none of it is true, to basically leave you alone and let you live your puddle of suffering and be miserable…you know when your heart (at least I hope you do) that, THAT will not be done by most of us.

    I have seen both sides of you… well, a lot of sides, throughout the years… on more than one occasion. I feel I do mostly understand you because of all the sides that were presented to me -sometimes not in the nicest of ways. But presented to me all the same.
    The difference, (and only a choice fee can say this in total honesty) the difference is, I accepted you for who you are. Period. Still do.

    In the past I have asked you what if it was the tables were turned. What if it were me with these problems. You would always say to me (every single time) that I would deserve better and I deserve to be happy that you understood. And I said, (every single time)”Well, so do you.”
    That is still true. More so now.

    You cannot have it both ways my friend. And as I’ve said in the past to you, like it or not, deserve it or not, you are loved.
    No conditions.
    The world will not end (sound familiar?) if you allow someone (a lot of someones) in, and enjoy some of the respect, admiration, empathy, love, and yes, understanding, that you have been given a chance to experience, enjoy … and so richly deserve.

    Life’s far too short, Baby, to keep behind those walls of yours. To deprive yourself. I know it’s easier to just shut down and shut out all of “this.”
    Been there.
    Done that. (To a point, I’m still doing it)
    And so have you.
    We both know it is not pleasant. “Deserved” or not.

    I love you.
    So much.
    Ya big goof.
    Hug. ღ

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