Absence.

They say absence makes the heart grow stronger.

This is true.

Not just for people, but for things and activities; anything that we are absent from makes it sit at the forefront of our minds for every waking minute.

I have this today at sixteen days; sixteen days of abstaining from self-harm.

I made a deal with myself that I would make it to the 1st October. Sort of a deal with my own pain. The 1st October will mark two years since the loss of my daughter. So it was an unspoken promise to her, in a way. I guess it was something that I could aim for and focus on.

As the days go on, I’ve found myself feeling a different way. There was even a couple of days that I could look at myself in the mirror and know who I was. I wrote a little too.

But each day that thing; the self-harm, becomes louder in my mind. It’s screaming and holding my chest and I can’t breathe because I want it so bad. It sneaks through my body to my mind and today, I have asked myself, why I am abstaining?

I can’t think of a reason. Perhaps, because people say it’s wrong or because health professionals and society say it shouldn’t be done.

What is wrong in it?

It’s only like taking medicine and easing pain; a pain that real medicine can’t reach.

I’m not hurting anyone.

I’m just cutting something open and letting the pain come out.

Why is that bad?

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I accept

I accept

 

I accept

The way my voice got silenced

Words stolen and unimportant

I will not speak

 

I accept

The way it hurts me

Actions, cruel and planned

I will not complain

 

I accept

The battle is not mine to win

Never will I be victorious

I will not fight

 

I accept

That hope was always a fantasy

Something carved from the impossible

I will not dream

 

I accept

That I live in darkness

The shadow under that I was made

I will not seek the light

 

I accept

That I am nothing

Insignificant to the world

I will not make myself known

 

I accept

The absence of love

The force that binds us

I will not care

 

I accept

The tears that I have wept

Silent and alone

I will not cry

 

I accept

This for me

Tailored with wicked intent

I will not change

 

I accept all that is me.