Today

Today, I woke this morning after a slightly difficult night. Half an hour into sleep and I woke thinking the bad man was there again, if someone asked me to swear on it, I’d be almost positive he had been standing right there, watching and waiting. I kept waking because I could feel his hand on my back.

Today I self harmed as well. I’ve been doing well. I think it’s been a good two weeks since the last time. Just yesterday I had mentioned it and then this morning I gave in and ruined it.

Today as I saw the traffic lights turn from green to amber and a truck coming the other way, for a split second I thought to chance it. I thought about how that truck could end it for me. For a split second I almost pulled out in front of the truck, because it had the right answer.

Today I helped my granddaughter when she started choking at the dinner table and her face went read as she couldn’t breathe. I picked her up, bent her over and forced her food out, causing her to vomit, but for those few seconds, when everything slowed down, I had fear in my heart.

Today marks day five of not eating. I keep trying to, but I can’t do it. I eat small bits instead, but not enough to satisfy the hunger I need to feel. I deserve it. I deserve to feel the hunger.

Today I sit on my bathroom floor with the door locked, typing this instead of self harming some more.

Today I wish I could feel normal.

Maybe tomorrow is pointless.

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