Today

Today, I woke this morning after a slightly difficult night. Half an hour into sleep and I woke thinking the bad man was there again, if someone asked me to swear on it, I’d be almost positive he had been standing right there, watching and waiting. I kept waking because I could feel his hand on my back.

Today I self harmed as well. I’ve been doing well. I think it’s been a good two weeks since the last time. Just yesterday I had mentioned it and then this morning I gave in and ruined it.

Today as I saw the traffic lights turn from green to amber and a truck coming the other way, for a split second I thought to chance it. I thought about how that truck could end it for me. For a split second I almost pulled out in front of the truck, because it had the right answer.

Today I helped my granddaughter when she started choking at the dinner table and her face went read as she couldn’t breathe. I picked her up, bent her over and forced her food out, causing her to vomit, but for those few seconds, when everything slowed down, I had fear in my heart.

Today marks day five of not eating. I keep trying to, but I can’t do it. I eat small bits instead, but not enough to satisfy the hunger I need to feel. I deserve it. I deserve to feel the hunger.

Today I sit on my bathroom floor with the door locked, typing this instead of self harming some more.

Today I wish I could feel normal.

Maybe tomorrow is pointless.

20131011-195105.jpg

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Today

  1. You keep typing. You keep thinking of that granddaughter. And at the risk of sounding selfish, but not caring if I do… You think about how much of a HUGE hole there would be not only in my life without you, but in everyone’s who loves you.
    And I do. Very. Very. Much.

  2. As I sit here crying over this, I am hugging you so tightly. You keep writing to us. We are listening to you sweetie. You are much stronger than you believe. You keep leaning on us and we will carry you of as long as you need.

    I am with Teresa, if anything were to happen to you the hole in my heart that would be there could never be filled. I need you here!

    Love you so very much! {{{HUGS}}}

  3. You keep typing! You mean so much to me and to others and I would be so lost without you! I need you! So you keep typing because we are all here for you! Lean on us as long as you need to.

    I am with Teresa, the hole that would be left in my heart would never heal if anything ever happened to you!

    I love you and need you! You were placed in my life for a purpose!

    {{{HUGS}}}

      • The people that have commented above obviously care deeply for you. But the thing is I dont even know you personally but yet feel for you so deeply,i do wish you piece (and if not happyness)something as close as you can get to it,with all my being.
        (((hugs)))

  4. I hate to sound mean or bad, but I’m glad you are not normal. Normal people lock it all down and pretend it never happend. Normal people don’t reveal all their most painful experiences. Normal people don’t bring attention in such a gripping way to a sickness that permeates all of society.

    I wish you were not tormented. I wish this never happened to you. I wish this never happened to anybody. I wish this never happened to me.

    But I am glad you are not normal. I am glad for your strength. And even if I don’t know you, I am glad to know that you are out there.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s