A Boys Journal. Entry Five. Date and Title Unknown.

A Boys Journal. Entry Five. Date and Title Unknown.

 

Why can’t you love me?

Why can’t you care?

I stand here always

Waiting for you

It not fair

I cut myself

I burn and I bleed

I do this for you

It must be me

It’s just what I need.

I’m waiting

I’m hurting

Cut open

And done

I’m nothing

I’m no one

Can’t you see?

What I’ve done

I want it to be over

To cut away my pain

Was it my fault?

Am I that bad?

Am I to blame?

I need to feel it

Deep inside

The things I did

Shame

Not easy to hide

I dream of the pain

It doesn’t feel wrong

The release that it gives

The freedom

I don’t belong.

It never works

It’s all a façade

Look as I bleed

The scars that I bare

The cuts that I made.

I won’t do it again

It’s more shame that I carry

Sat alone with my pain

Slicing my skin

Just one more time.

There’s a place

There’s a place

 

There’s a place

It’s not so far away

Just around the corner

The corners of my memories

The things I’m afraid to say

 

The doors are painted white

The mirage of none hell

Inside a vicious torturer

Far worse than any devil

Just my enemy in sight

 

Death comes with the clicking of a lock

Closed down

Kept

And afraid to move

Every escape completely blocked.

 

No whispers from my lips will fall

No echo of their crimes

Faceless villains

Taking what’s theirs

Indulging in sick past times.

 

From my flesh

They stole my soul

The things they made me do

Just a child, a boy I was

No longer left whole.

 

Held down in suffering

Burnt, beaten and betrayed

No sounds to save us from this place

Cries not heard by the deaf

But the dirty and afraid.

 

Cameras clicked at every angle

Snapshots of fake smiles

Behind the vile picture

Tears

Forced labour of our trials.

 

So many men through the day

Some came to us at night

Spending black gold

Their perverted actions

Their right.

 

A nameless boy I was

Laid frightened and alone

To sore to move

To afraid to be still

Raped, taken for their own.

 

My notebook holds all my sins

My teddy in my arms

Holding onto every secret

The guardian of my pain

My written words of harm

 

Go now that you have seen

Look away and close this book

Don’t think of me at all from now

There’s nothing for you to see

I beg you, please don’t look.

 

The shameful images in my heart

Aren’t what you want to now

But rather, a happy child

The lies his life does tell

Your guilt is free to go.

 

I held your hand so many times

Wishing that you’d see

The innocent child waiting for you

Your son.

You never came for me.

I asked you to stop.

I asked you to stop.

 

How could you

How could you

I asked you to stop

But like always you didn’t

Just a moment you said

I pushed with my hand

Because you hurt me so much

One minute is all you said

Because you didn’t care

I hate you so much

I cried and I pleaded but you didn’t cease

I’m so f****** angry

That I can’t get it out

It’s your fault that I’m like this

You did this to me

I hate you

I hate you

My brother was watching

You tarnished him too

He held my hand when I cried that night

Not you or my mother

No, you laughed and you joked

And none of you cared

I hope that you’re happy

I can’t even love you

Silence, hope

Silence, hope, it’s what I have

I’m waiting

Waiting for you to notice

Not the bruise upon my face

Or the way I feel dirty

Not the way I can’t look at you

Not the way I hate myself

I’m not waiting for food

I feel so sick

I’m not waiting for you to welcome me home

From my weekend in my prison

 

 

I wonder if you thought of me

If that morning you remembered

I wonder if you smiled for me

I woke that morning

But not alone

The broken dolls laid next to me

Dirty and torn just as I was

Waiting for the day to start

Waiting for it to hurt

The things we didn’t understand

 

I thought about you

I wondered if you remembered

If you’d come and get me

I didn’t even cry that day

 

I wondered if anyone knew

I waited

Did you go out and celebrate?

Did you think of me?

Did you laugh and smile with your family?

Or did you curse that day?

 

Now I’m 8.

Did you remember?

It was my birthday.

Dad

Dad

 

The only time you were my father

Was in my imagination

 

The only time you gave me food

Was when I earned it

 

The only time you held my hand

Was to hold me down

 

The only time you touched my face

Was to beat me

 

The only time you bathed my skin

Was to wash away your sins

 

The only time you wrapped your arms around me

Was to hurt me

 

The only time you ever loved me

Was not a time I recall at all

 

Entry in A Boy’s Journal – date: unknown.

Today

The memories of today never get forgotten
The Ache inside that sleeps
Like a reminder of this day
What was gone
What got taken
The saviour of a different kind
Freedom burdened with guilt
Do I stand and say I’m free?
Or do I mourn that only I got to tomorrow
Without you
The echo in my mind hears
It listens to the deafening silence
Tears never allowed to fall
Held back by the hands of blame
Remorse chokes me
For what I would give to change this day
Maybe you wouldn’t have gone away
Maybe I’d have one last moment
To talk to you
To see your smile
To feel the love never given
Maybe I was a fool
But you were still my mother
And you aren’t here

The stars.

The stars.

The stars of a thousand connections
Reside in the night above
The light in the darkness
Can you see them?

Do you wish upon the right one?
Is it our turn
To take what is ours
Are we ready?

Look up into the sky at night
Take a look you will see
The twinkle of fated paths
For you and for me?

When the star is yours to grasp
You will know it deep inside
Like you know what’s meant to be
Here with this, do you see?

When your time has come at last
On the right path do you walk
With the one that is right here
Did the star fly through the sky?

A shooting star some may say
it is not the sparkle dying
But a miracle that is ours
Handed to us by what’s right

It has to wait
Until its sure
That we found
Love that’s pure

My Heart Cries.

My Heart Cries.

It cries the same as yours
Like an unheard echo in the dark
It listens
Waits and lives for promise
Holding its breath
That this won’t be long
Trying hard not to twist in the confines of its chamber
Breathless
It’s lonesome beat
reminiscent
Like the unanswered tune of a beggar
It bows its head
Lays low on the floor
With innocent longing
It does not howl
It knows well that it won’t be heard
But it hopes
With the tiny fragments of it that remain
That this will pass
And it will meet yours once again.

Whispers in the Dark

A child whispers in the dark
To the stars that give no answers,
Looking
Hoping not to wake
Not another day he can take
Saddened tears in his eyes
He looks for you in the sky
Are you listening?
Do you care?
Maybe you’re not even there.
His blooded mouth he just asks
“Please don’t let me wake up tomorrow, take me with you.”
The lies that he had read on the wall
Things that never happened not at all
He looked for the footprints in the sand
They promised to carry him and hold his hand
All he wanted was you to take him home
To keep him with you, not alone
But every night prayers unanswered
The little boy sleeps in hope.
As he wakens each brand new day
You are not there to show him the way
He asks why him, what did he do
But still no word
Nothing from you.

I asked you God, to take me away.
But for some reason you made me stay.
I sat and wondered why you’d leave
But I see it now. Such a fool to believe…

In you.

I walk away
Like you did to me.

Twelve minutes

Twelve minutes

 

Twelve minutes It’s hardly any time at all Does it matter Something so small

 

In twelve minutes I could give you the world Make you promises you deserve I could bow down to you And honour you this way

 

Twelve minutes…

 

I could speak words not left unspoken A stolen moment A look A blissful kiss to say goodbye

 

Twelve minutes to hold your hand To feel your skin on mine The gentle touch of your fingers Until that last moment

 

I could give those words The ones I’m afraid to say Whispered nothing’s, a dream The impossible moments of a future

 

If I could buy those twelve minutes I’d sit and look at you I’d keep every second, in a place so deep inside I’d sit here right beside you, even just to hold your hand

 

Twelve minutes…

 

Not very long at all But if they got stolen So many things I’d regret The space of a minute With you, you give me every breath.

 

If you had those twelve short minutes what would you give to me?