I accept

I accept

 

I accept

The way my voice got silenced

Words stolen and unimportant

I will not speak

 

I accept

The way it hurts me

Actions, cruel and planned

I will not complain

 

I accept

The battle is not mine to win

Never will I be victorious

I will not fight

 

I accept

That hope was always a fantasy

Something carved from the impossible

I will not dream

 

I accept

That I live in darkness

The shadow under that I was made

I will not seek the light

 

I accept

That I am nothing

Insignificant to the world

I will not make myself known

 

I accept

The absence of love

The force that binds us

I will not care

 

I accept

The tears that I have wept

Silent and alone

I will not cry

 

I accept

This for me

Tailored with wicked intent

I will not change

 

I accept all that is me.

You left

You left

And I was done

I cried for you

You didn’t come

I wondered why

I was all alone

Left

Why?

What did I do?

 

 

I tried so hard

Didn’t you see?

I did it for you

The badness inside

It controlled me

 

Is that why you did it?

So sneaky behind my back

So you could laugh

Sit and make your plans

Like a plan of attack

 

My innocence

It never expected

The designs

No clue

Broken

Disrespected

 

You did it like I was nothing

What was I supposed to do with that?

Thank you?

Inside my horror

Made its bed.

Sometimes I cant Find The Words

Sometimes I cant Find The Words

 

Sometimes I cannot find the words

To tell you what you’ve done

The pain and anger that’s inside

Created by you, mum

Why was I not enough?

So that you’d leave me whole

The one that you gave a life

Then stole it from my soul

It wasn’t me that did it to you

It was my dad that made you cry

The one that beat and forced you

Did you love me? Did you try?

I came from evil deeds that’s true

And was born into your home

I paid for the price for what he did

So many nights I cried alone

You’re the one that chose to sacrifice

But never put me first

Every day you broke my wings

And crushed them until it hurt

You cast a shadow on my life

And took away my dreams

You stole my childhood from me

And broke me at the seems

Was there even just one day

That my smile was enough

To make your life a little better

And maybe not so rough

I loved you every day you know

With all of my heart

Through all the pain you gave me

And every time I cried

I lost the innocence you changed

It died so long ago

You didn’t love me because you had to

Not ever, not even just because

I wonder what it feels like

For my mum to be my friend

To keep me safe and warm and loved

For that love to never end

Its taken time to realise

I’m not sure how to say

All the years you hated me

They made me this way.

I don’t know how to change

To fix what I become

I’m so damaged deep inside

Maybe you’re proud of what you’ve done

I don’t really have the fight right now

Or the strength that no one sees

To long I have spent crying

For all you did to me

Thank you for the gift you give

For everything I do

Maybe when we meet again I’ll find it in my heart

Maybe I will forgive you.

A Boys Journal. Entry Five. Date and Title Unknown.

A Boys Journal. Entry Five. Date and Title Unknown.

 

Why can’t you love me?

Why can’t you care?

I stand here always

Waiting for you

It not fair

I cut myself

I burn and I bleed

I do this for you

It must be me

It’s just what I need.

I’m waiting

I’m hurting

Cut open

And done

I’m nothing

I’m no one

Can’t you see?

What I’ve done

I want it to be over

To cut away my pain

Was it my fault?

Am I that bad?

Am I to blame?

I need to feel it

Deep inside

The things I did

Shame

Not easy to hide

I dream of the pain

It doesn’t feel wrong

The release that it gives

The freedom

I don’t belong.

It never works

It’s all a façade

Look as I bleed

The scars that I bare

The cuts that I made.

I won’t do it again

It’s more shame that I carry

Sat alone with my pain

Slicing my skin

Just one more time.

There’s a place

There’s a place

 

There’s a place

It’s not so far away

Just around the corner

The corners of my memories

The things I’m afraid to say

 

The doors are painted white

The mirage of none hell

Inside a vicious torturer

Far worse than any devil

Just my enemy in sight

 

Death comes with the clicking of a lock

Closed down

Kept

And afraid to move

Every escape completely blocked.

 

No whispers from my lips will fall

No echo of their crimes

Faceless villains

Taking what’s theirs

Indulging in sick past times.

 

From my flesh

They stole my soul

The things they made me do

Just a child, a boy I was

No longer left whole.

 

Held down in suffering

Burnt, beaten and betrayed

No sounds to save us from this place

Cries not heard by the deaf

But the dirty and afraid.

 

Cameras clicked at every angle

Snapshots of fake smiles

Behind the vile picture

Tears

Forced labour of our trials.

 

So many men through the day

Some came to us at night

Spending black gold

Their perverted actions

Their right.

 

A nameless boy I was

Laid frightened and alone

To sore to move

To afraid to be still

Raped, taken for their own.

 

My notebook holds all my sins

My teddy in my arms

Holding onto every secret

The guardian of my pain

My written words of harm

 

Go now that you have seen

Look away and close this book

Don’t think of me at all from now

There’s nothing for you to see

I beg you, please don’t look.

 

The shameful images in my heart

Aren’t what you want to now

But rather, a happy child

The lies his life does tell

Your guilt is free to go.

 

I held your hand so many times

Wishing that you’d see

The innocent child waiting for you

Your son.

You never came for me.

I asked you to stop.

I asked you to stop.

 

How could you

How could you

I asked you to stop

But like always you didn’t

Just a moment you said

I pushed with my hand

Because you hurt me so much

One minute is all you said

Because you didn’t care

I hate you so much

I cried and I pleaded but you didn’t cease

I’m so f****** angry

That I can’t get it out

It’s your fault that I’m like this

You did this to me

I hate you

I hate you

My brother was watching

You tarnished him too

He held my hand when I cried that night

Not you or my mother

No, you laughed and you joked

And none of you cared

I hope that you’re happy

I can’t even love you

Silence, hope

Silence, hope, it’s what I have

I’m waiting

Waiting for you to notice

Not the bruise upon my face

Or the way I feel dirty

Not the way I can’t look at you

Not the way I hate myself

I’m not waiting for food

I feel so sick

I’m not waiting for you to welcome me home

From my weekend in my prison

 

 

I wonder if you thought of me

If that morning you remembered

I wonder if you smiled for me

I woke that morning

But not alone

The broken dolls laid next to me

Dirty and torn just as I was

Waiting for the day to start

Waiting for it to hurt

The things we didn’t understand

 

I thought about you

I wondered if you remembered

If you’d come and get me

I didn’t even cry that day

 

I wondered if anyone knew

I waited

Did you go out and celebrate?

Did you think of me?

Did you laugh and smile with your family?

Or did you curse that day?

 

Now I’m 8.

Did you remember?

It was my birthday.