Floating

20120823-005640.jpg

Floating

I’m floating somewhere, endless hours spent staring out through eyes that aren’t mine. I’m trapped inside a body with no escape in a place filled with people that I see truthfully, I see behind the facades that they portray, their smiles, jokes, jibes. I see the person, I hear the tick, tick of how they work.

I feel like I’m walking on the outside of life and I’m looking in. My eyes aren’t blind to acts each person continues to show, they are sad.

Maybe one day everything will click inside of me and I’ll know who I am. what I am. Why I am supposed to be here. It feels like I’m running with no destination, no purpose.

I’m lost and I don’t fit.

If your reading this, maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about, I guess I don’t either. These are nothing more than the thoughts in my head as I try to get myself back.

My mind is fuzzy and I’ve detached. It’s like I’ve woken inside myself and someone’s taken over and lived as me for one day, two? I’m not sure. I have glimpses of things, but where I went I’m don’t know.

I self harmed I know that, I vaguely remember letting go, but was it yesterday or the day before? It all feels like a daydream.

Many things led me to that point. The fake friends from my last post. I was grateful that one emailed me and apologised, I understand what the motives were, and I have respect for the admittance.

The other one, I had to look at what happened and why. It hurt to be lied about and then lied too. It hurt furthermore when I saw doctored evidence in a bid to clear their name that certain things weren’t said about me, but I had the original for comparison.

While I stared at this I learned my father had told anyone who will listen that he has now disowned me. That I’m nothing and he’s washed his hands of me. He’s told people I said some nasty things to him and he’s sick of how I am. So we’re done because he doesn’t want to be hurt by me any longer.

In truth, it was the other way around. I asked him to not contact me any more.

I’ve had to look at these three events in this one week, I’ve hidden from the pain and wondered what it is about me that makes people lie.

The one that lied about her age, I get it. I understand, she explained things that I already knew.

My father, it’s his ego I suppose, his narcissistic need to be the one that’s suffering. He can have this one, either way I get what I wanted, I get peace, in a way it’s better. He lifted my guilt of walking away, because in the eyes of our family, it was him that left.

And the other, the one that showed me evidence of a conversation she’d had, but fixed it so it didn’t read the same. I’ve had to ask myself why, what was the reason to try and gain my trust with something else that wasn’t quite true. I don’t think it was to hurt me, if that was the case she wouldn’t be trying to dig her way out of some odd mess we found ourselves in. The motive perhaps is so I didn’t get mad and tell her to leave me alone. Maybe I am wrong I don’t know. It puts me in a strange place, while I’m upset at the dishonesty, I’m not mad, nor angry, if anything I’m a little sad that maybe she thought I would be cruel in the end.

I guess I forgive them all in different ways, because I understand their motives. I’m just sorry these things happened. I’m sorry I can’t fix those things and I’m sorry I can’t fix whatever it is about me.

I know the outside package, while I cannot look in a mirror, is not ugly to the outside world. I wonder if it was, would people stop hurting me?

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Floating

  1. Im so sorry you had to go through these hurts this week. I believe the reason I am put here on this earth is to help others. whether to listen or give advice , but sometimes I will get hurt and sometimes I hurt others, (not intentionally) But what I have learned is that after I go through the feelings of betrayal and hurt, I am a stronger person. I try to take what I learned and I keep going . We all bring our imperfections to the table when we meet friends, no one will ever be perfect or normal. What is most important for me is that i accept each person as they are, with all their baggage, and never try to change who they are. love them as i see them.

  2. Hello JD,
    I understand where it is you were for your couple of days. I do that sometimes still! But less and less as the years pass.
    I am so sorry you had to deal with that much in a short period of time. It does make the head spin doesn’t it? But you are strong and you’ve made it through. It may not feel like you have but you have. Each day makes you stronger. Each day provides you with stronger legs to stand on.
    You were too strong to break back then and you are too strong to break now. I have great faith in you JD.
    Hugs to you and your family

  3. I am sorry for what you have gone through. You are right, we all wear masks. It is our own defense against the world, ourselves, etc. We protect ourselves from hurt and it sounds as if the people that have wronged you this past week have wanted to protect themselves from that as well. I am sure it is easier for your father to put the blame on you for the severed relationship than for him to look within himself and find his heart filled with guilt, shame and accept his own responsibility in this. The same can also be said for the person who “doctored” the conversation. There is no way to sugar coat it, it is cruel and unfair to you and is selfish on their part but when looking at the big picture its understandable. Sometimes the lesson isn’t knowing “what” a person did, its trying to understand “why” The “why” sometimes can cause more damage to a person than the actual act itself atleast it does with me. The “why” is what crushes me.

    Because of my past, I am probably the biggest skeptic you could imagine. I would ask myself “why me” I finally had to realize that its not “me” that has the problem, its them. Its their own insecurities, their own faults, their own demons they want hidden that causes them to lie. They are selfish and would rather tell a lie (at the risk of hurting me) then to stand up and face their actions and take the hurt themselves.

    Everyone lies, unfortunately. We lie to protect ourselves, we lie to protect others. While I try my best to be open and honest about myself and my actions I do wear a mask so in essence I lie as well. I tell people I am OK when at times I am not. I smile on the outside when at times I am crying within. I have a severe issue with trust. I will tell people that I trust them when sometimes I don’t. I would rather feel the hurt inside myself for the constant doubt and feeling of betrayl (as false as it might be)then make them feel the hurt caused by my doubt due to my own insecurities.

    Try to look at a situation for what it is and realize that everyone out there is a little mixed up and there are times when its not you. Its them!!! If we wish to know the truth, sometimes we have to look beyond the mask and sometimes we find pain and hurt that mirrors ours and sometimes we find selfishness and ugliness. But, I think we must atleast take the time to look.

    “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Oscar Wilde

    xoxoxo…as always saying prayers for your inner peace

  4. I don’t know if it is just people of abusive backgrounds that feel lost and like they don’t fit in or if in some way everyone does. I envy those who know exactly who they are and what their purpose is in life. You definitely are not alone in feeling that way.

    How does a narcissist spawn a child who just wants to disappear into the background? Polar opposites, I know this all too well. It may be irritating that your father has spun it around to be the center of attention but as you said the end goal was achieved and you know the truth.

    As for your fake friends, I cannot find an eloquent way to put it other than my American slang, it just sucks. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to analyze the motives behind people’s lies. I’ve always said that I didn’t have a choice when it came to the family I was born into but I do have a choice of who I chose to be friends with.

    You are the better person for being able to forgive. People can be cruel, sometimes on purpose, sometimes unintentionally. Please, please believe me when I say IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did nothing to deserve any of this.

    Wishing you peace and happiness. 🙂

  5. It is sad and difficult when a person is betrayed and the very person that should be asking for your forgiveness walks away as if ‘they’ are the victim.
    Though absurd; you can overcome this situation.
    Acceptance often feels cruel but a necessity; you cannot change these people but you can change how they affect you.
    Continue to do your best to “nip it in the bud” the pain of betrayal that is; do not give it power to harm you.
    We are no less valuable, lovable, or worthwhile because we have survived abuse. The work of healing emotionally and spiritually from abuse can be a lonely task.

    In times like these I pour out my heart before God.
    I remind myself and I say them in love and encouragement to you.

    “I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’”
    “Be still and know that I am God.”
    “I am the Lord, who heals you.”

    With respect and honor I say; God isn’t finished yet. You will make it through.
    May you practice thinking good thoughts…
    God Bless You JD
    Beverley

  6. JD once more your dad thinks he can win,you can’t let him. you are the better person by far,your need to shake off these feeling of deciet from so many, humans are the cruelest animal on the planet. I wish I could sit with you and talk,really talk.About good and bad,between us we could make some sense.so till later you and yours take care and stay safe.(((((HUGS)))))) From Tasmania

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s