They come in different shapes and sizes. They wear different masks and their reasons usually point to an insecurity in one way or another.
I have acquired many friends through the internet and social networking; I have also acquired fake ones. I think perhaps over the net, hiding behind a screen is the easiest place to be fake. I am not sure what the gain is.
I have encountered different varieties of fake friends. Ones that lie about themselves; say they are 39, when really they are 52 years old. Say they are athletic and trim, when really they carry a little weight on them. I understand this kind of fake identity. It’s the insecurities of the person you’re talking to that are ashamed in some way of these things. But in another way, it also shows a lack of respect. I feel insulted that someone who claims to be a friend would feel the need to lie. Do they think I would stop talking to them because I knew the real things? I am not that shallow. The sad answer is that I would be their friend regardless, but now what I have is lies.
Then there is the other kind; the more hurtful, devious kind that rips you to pieces when you’re not looking, but smiles sweetly when they see you. I am not sure I understand what they gain. If you don’t like a person then don’t be their friend. I don’t see the reason to spend the time being nice and then later tell everyone else what you really feel.
I was sad to learn I have one of these and while I know putting my books out into the public will get different responses, good and bad; I don’t expect the bad ones from those who claim to be friends.
This person openly praised my books; wrote a review and talked to me with care and compassion. But, sadly, this same person said some very hurtful things to someone else who, in turn, retorted with phrases like “He will get over it when he grows up and becomes a man.”
It hurt to learn that this friend discussed me with another victim; not of sexual abuse but physical abuse, and compared and dismissed me as if I should just get over everything. Believe me, if it were that easy, I really would do it.
I have been accused of being sarcastic, short, and of making comments that are of a sexual nature, in private. I know that I haven’t done these things, but what hurts is to be accused.
What is so hard in this situation is that this person talks to me as if none of these things have been said.
I wish they would just leave if this is what they think of me. Why be my friend?
I have wondered if this makes me a fake friend too because I will not confront them about it. But I will not tell them I am hurt.
I will not hurt them as they have done to me.
FAKE? You are not fake. Why confront them? Will it make them tell you the truth? NO they will continue to be a fake friend and try to deny that what happened, happened! They will stand their ground as if nothing every happened. In a way you just did tell them you know what they did and that you don’t like it one bit. So leave it at that JD. You know! And now they know that you know!
I understand completely you not wanting to confront them about it. Confrontation is something I couldn’t do either for a very long time. I hope it doesn’t take you as long as it did me.
Yes, thank you. This is exactly like you said. This blog is my sounding board, if they read it, they will know I know.
I understand exactly what you are saying about the FAKE friends. Right now I have stood up and demanded that I be treated with respect. And anyone who doesn’t acknowledge that I have feelings too then I will remove them from my life. And I don’t care who it is. Bad Karma has got to go. It just drags me down even when they are not around because I have allowed them inside my head where they continue to wreak havoc, so I have to let them go. It hurts but it has to be done. I want to be happy and if that’s the way to do it then so be it.
Be strong JD and keep your voice going. After I read your two books is when I decided that I will no longer be the victim. It is because of you that I have found my voice…HUGS to you and your family.
I’m glad it helped in giving you a voice, I also agree re bad karma, of course sometimes it hurts to walk away
Believe me I know the hurt. I just walked away from my son. That is the worst pain I have ever felt. My heart crumbled when I turned my back on him. It’s been a long time coming.
You have helped more than you know. All the stuff I had inside me was released into the air. I just let it go. Now…I have to make sure its all gone. My brain likes to hold on to the tiny pieces and help them grow into the monsters that they become. Sometime I betray myself like that.
It astounds my wife: I can be friends with people who have lied, cheated, or stole from me, betrayed my trust. I can still love them.
I do it because I *must*. In order to heal I have learned to forgive as soon as the sin occurs – before, actually! – because I guess I kind of expect it from anyone: They will be HUMAN. I spit that like a curse sometimes. “Being human” is something I’ve striven for – yet I have rejected a lot of ‘human’ causes and ways and ‘stuff’ (morals, values, judgements).
I expect them to be mean and hurtful. I call them “little monkeys”. Is that cruel? Yes. But I’m a little monkey, too.
However, I found that forgiving them – expecting this ‘betrayal’ (of some kind) – reduces a bit of my anger. And anger is a consuming emotion; it might “feel” kinda good in some deep abominable way – but in the end it eats you alive. Much better to keep the ol’ chin up, say to yourself “Damn little monkey” – and just try not to present them with whatever temptation they fall for later on (being a good friend to them) – while accepting that yeah: this person does this ‘thing’. This is their weakness.
Remember: nobody does something for no reason, and the reason people do ANYTHING is because they feel it will make them feel happy in some way.
Feeling ‘superior’ to you – top monkey syndrome – thrusting others down in order to feel you have ‘elevated’ yourself in some way – is common. Pulling the other’s tails doesn’t make them any ‘better’ or higher. It’s just what those monkeys do. And so do I sometimes (you could look at this paragraph as being just that sort of thing).
Disparaging another monkey to others often makes monkey’s feel better about themselves. “Look how weak he is!” subtly means “and how strong *I* must be for saying this! or going through it!” – all monkey mind delusions.
We have no real friends. We keep it that way. And ‘online friends’ count most – and least – of all. They aren’t friends. They are just pixels and electrons, though I know intellectually there is a person on the other end. I have well over 600 ‘friends’ on another F/B account – and you wanna know what? If I was to die they wouldn’t give a damn. They don’t even know me. Just ‘friends’ for a game. And for me to use them (played Mafia Wars for a year). No love lost there.
Learning to accept that other people are human – and that damn, tongue in cheek, you gotta forgive them to move past anger, hate, revenge feelings – well, yeah. It’s a tough task but can be done.
My family says the fact that I am able to do this so quickly – so readily – is what sets me apart from them – and a whole lot of other someones.
After all, like I said: I forgive them. I forgave them before they were even born. Even if they are older than I.
Just ‘my’ way of dealing with things. And? . . . I seem a hellava lot happier than them with their petty squabbles and disagreements.
And that, my friend, makes me feel a little higher on the tree.
I get that. I have just got to a point, that I think if you cant be my friend, then don’t. I don’t deserve to be hurt more and neither do you. I wont argue with them. I just leave them to it.
Hope the friends things gets better. I hate being used; I forgive ’em – but I’ve also got to the point where I don’t seek those sort out anymore. I’ve been used enough in my life, over and over again – and still allow it. But I’ve learned that some of my friends only call when they “need” something or want me to do something – and then I don’t hear from them for years. Those I have been in the process of weeding out of my life. THEY don’t understand – but it’s a boundary I’ve drawn. I’m still ‘friendly’ with them – just REFUSE to do anything FOR them anymore. Visit? Fine. Want me to go online and publish your novel? YOU learn how to do it (my latest course with a ‘friend’). Amazing how quickly he’s drawn out of my life now.
Ha yes exactly, thankfully the first one sent me a heartfelt email about it. And the other, well it appeared to just be more lies I guess is the word.
Friends like that drift away, as you say, there is forgiving and then there is the doing anything for them part.
Boundaries are hard. Especially with friends. I’ve used the “tough love” approach. Turned one friend away at my door in the hard cold of winter to go sleep in his car that he’d slept in all summer in my front yard. He had to learn. Long long story; my man servant for some years … wouldn’t get a job.
But that did it. 3 months later? On his feet, employed by the county, married & expecting a kid.
He never forgave me. But I know I was right. That kick is was what did it after too many years. And I had to give it. I had gotten married and had 3 kids and a wife living there. He’d had all summer and fall . . . and did nothing to improve his lot. So I did. The hard way. And yes: it hurt.
I find using ‘shame’ is effective for me to set a boundary. Will I be ashamed if I let him use me? If so I don’t let him use me. We might drink a beer and chat. I just draw that line at the door. Willing to be friends . . . but not tissue paper on the sole of their shoe anymore. Just use me for my skills and walk away, like I’m a machine to be used. Which I often am. But we have learned to draw a limit. A line.
I am very sorry that this has happened to you. I am sorry that someone has made a point to become your friend but only to lie and share their true feelings behind your back. I don’t have to tell you that this is NOT true friendship. I do not understand that kind of person. I do not understand people who put themselves above others and then laugh at or criticize them. But people are who they are! They lie and try to “schmooze” their way into someone’s life for their own personal reasons. Then there are the ones who are true to what’s right and true. Those are the ones you have to focus on and be thankful for. They may be few and far between but true friends are like gold. They are to be treasured! A liar is the one person I absolutely can NOT tolerate…just be thankful you found out the truth. I am impressed that you won’t give back the hurt….you are true.
Thank you Pammie. for reading and replying. That is exactly the conclusion I came to, but I still needed to say it, not to the individuals, but just to anyone, and why its here. Just so its said and then I can let it go.
It’s not just the internet, this type of behavior exists in the “real world” too. The only thing that someone can’t lie about out there is their appearance. I have been active online since the old modem days where you were lucky if you got a 28K connection trying to get into AOL. I have met my fair share of liars. The one thing that makes me angrier than anything is to be lied to. You can call me any name in the book you can walk away and never speak to me again, you can insult me to my face but for goodness sakes “Don’t Lie To Me” Unfortunately, those type of people are out there and they are in more places than you realize. Although when a person’s true form shows there is always that moment of hurt & betrayal, but then I realize “Thank goodness I have seen he/she for who they really are” Yes, you are right once the lies have been discovered the trust is gone and once you lose trust there really isn’t anything left worth saving. I am probably the world’s biggest skeptic. I doubt everything and almost feel everyone has some hidden agenda. That is my own “dark demon” Others will always pay for the mistakes of those I trusted. It is not fair, but it is my own defense mechanisms. They aren’t pretty, but it’s a part of me. Take it or leave it. However, once someone has trudged through this land mine I have (tread lightly) they will find the biggest heart and the most loyal person they could ever know. At times I don’t mind my “defense mechanisms” it lets me know that those who are there, are there because they took the time for ME.
Whoever said that about you “getting over it when you are a man” then was never a true friend. It seems to me they are into notoriety, the footloose and fancy free fun, or perhaps trying to live a life they wish they truly had. Either way sounds like they have no heart and you are better off without friends like that.
However, you deserve to speak up. If this person has hurt you then you need to let them know. Not for their forgiveness but for your own self-worth. You owe it to yourself to say “Hey, listen I heard what you said. You know what you said, I know what you said thought you were a friend but glad to find out now you weren’t”, not to cause a fight, not to make them hurt, but to stand up for yourself because YOU deserve it. I have learned the more I kept my mouth shut, I was basically just letting those walk all over me and hurt me in a way I didn’t realize. Sometimes the hurt is hidden. You don’t think it’s doing any damage but its silent and it destroys a part of you a little at a time. So, speak up, say something. By keeping quiet is letting them walk on you again.
You are right, I just read what you commented on earlier and yes. This is basically letting them know that you know. For that, I am glad!!!!
I know what you’re saying, but often people like that, when you confront them, they defend and often you come away feeling more hurt than if you left it alone.
This is very well said and I completely agree with the usage of this forum. Its a great place to let people know how you feel. Direct confrontation isn’t always the best way. It can be just as painful as the offense. I say well done 🙂
`wraps my arms around you`
I’m so sorry you were hurt. You would think it wouldn’t hurt so much as you age, but every time it happens it stings. I thought I’d developed dragon skin along with exceptional intuition regarding a person’s intent. I was wrong. Someone slipped in and I let them get close, but I found out the truth behind their kind words. I won’t confront them, because there’s no point. This person is oblivious to the hurt. Soon, they’ll just be a memory from the past.
Somehow I came away from my past with my empathy intact. As a matter of fact I think I have too much of it. I always put myself into someone elses shoes and walk for awhile down their path in life. I seem to have been given a gift. I can “feel” others pain. Not as my own but theirs. I hurt for them and then I can understand what is behind those smiles that they all present to me. And it is then that I feel the deception and the lies they hide behind. The ones that are fake. I ease away from them and then they disappear. The ones that are real and thank goodness there is more of them than the fake ones, they tend to slip into my life effortlessly and help give me strength. I appreciate the real friends. They have become the family I lost somewhere in the past.
I have so much respect for you JD. Your voice is strong. 🙂
Well said Dekater.
I am sorry for the deceit you have suffered, as well as, the pain you are feeling. Yes, reasons are had, but in actuality, no excuse is valid. It shouldn’t have happened to you. I hope you will be able to see past the insecurities, the small mindedness, and even the cruelty; to begin to forgive and to heal, and to not let any of it hold you back from success in your journey.
~ Hugs ~
I have been of victim of this. Fake friends. They hide behind their computers. They act like your friend, and then you hear what they really said. Then, you confront them, and they deny it. I will no longer tolerate this from anyone. Enough is Enough.
I always read your Blog and it means more than you know to many people. ❤
There is a proverb: “An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.”
“Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway. ”
Being there at all times even when it’s not convenient or if you want to be somewhere else.. Be there for your friend because they need you.
Be encouraged in spite of the unfaithfulness of others…
Hang in there!
I think we all fail our friends every now and again though we don’t mean to…sometimes we say the wrong thing when we try to reach for the right words. I try to be honest and above board whether I am standing in front of the person or they are absent from the congregation. I also try show kindness and be genuine..my premse – how would I want someone to treat me.
May God Bless You
I have no problem being honest; actually sometimes it gets me trouble though.
From a Fat almost 60 year old 😀
I enjoy your honesty.
You are doing great one step at a time..
I’ve never left my comment on this. But…I’ve traveled the path of imperfection a long time. It wasn’t until I was able to see all my faults and accept them, that I was able to accept others. I remember once praying, God, make me more like you. And the first thing He did was began showing me who I really was, I mean the parts of me I didn’t like looking at, or didn’t even know were there. For the longest time, I got annoyed with Him. Why are you constantly showing me all my faults???
I then went through this anger towards my faults. And the closer I got to God, the more faults I discovered. It was truly frustrating. Finally I cried, “It’s overwhelming! I’ll never get rid of all these faults, I have way too many, I can’t do this, I’m a wretched individual, I can’t.!”
And THAT was the lesson I had to learn. Not just how faulty I was, but that I couldn’t fix it alone. And the first thing God did for me, was forgave me. I remember crying, because for the first time in my life, I saw how broken I was, and yet felt His love, I mean REALLY felt his love. And I was so overwhelmed by it, I couldn’t believe He would love me KNOWING how broken and ugly I was inside. From that point on, I was inspired to love the same. And for the first time, the passage in the bible made sense to me, “We love, because He first loved us.” I didn’t know what real love was until I EXPERIENCED God’s unconditional love. It loves us just as we are, broken and filthy. But it loves us enough to help us become free of those things, and not leave us to decay in it.
I can never hold much against anybody now. Sure, I’m tempted, but usually He reminds me what He did for me, and I just can’t.
I know this has nothing to do with choosing our friends carefully and wisely. Or even severing ties we realize will only hurt us or them. But sometimes we do our best and we still run into broken people. And in those times, we need to remember what it is to be broken, frail, and despised.
P.S. I hope the religion in this doesn’t offend anybody. I don’t normally flaunt it, but I find that the best way to explain things, is by using things my own life experiences. I’m not suggesting it’s for everybody. Although I think it could be…oh hell, can somebody wrench this spade out of my hands!