Walking Through Fog.

I wrote today, not just edited, but wrote a little, it was for part of book three. I don’t know why, it felt good though, somewhere in my mind I have been hiding, but I hear the whispers inside. Maybe I am coming out of wherever I have been, I’m not really sure. It feels like my mind is bursting with a story to tell once again, but at the moment it just goes around in my mind.

I’m not sure if I’m getting better on this part, or I’m just transferring it to another condition. I know I am fighting at the moment with my OCD. I am sure people don’t believe me when I tell them I have it. I think there’s a stigma to it and people use it so often that it’s like a joke or a term for some to throw around, but I was officially diagnosed with it in 2006 when it was so bad, that I could not live.

I cope with it now, it flares up on occasion and I have to find out why, my mind shuts down and I can never just say, such and such is on my mind. I’m at that point at the moment. My hands are sore; I can’t get my skin clean. I’m fighting the need to make the words feel in my throat as I say them; I don’t want to sound like I have some odd tick, because I have to repeat a word just to feel it, so I fight it and try not to, but it’s there, like a lump in my throat I have to scratch. I make myself feel my breathing in my nose, all these things tell me I have something going on, but I don’t know what it is yet. I’ve detached still, I can feel it, or not as the case may be. I know I have easily lost myself in the world of fiction; it is a good escape of course.

Everything feels numb, like I’m not focused in the real world. I don’t feel like I am real. It’s very hard to explain, and I probably can’t do a good job of it. It feels like the world is moving and I am not. I can hear myself talking, but I stop because the words are not mine. I am not me.

It’s the self harm that does it, or contributes to it. I think I self harmed a couple of days ago, but I can’t remember. Even this morning seems like I was somewhere else. I feel like I’m walking through a fog and I can’t see.

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4 thoughts on “Walking Through Fog.

  1. After reading your books, it doesn’t surprise me at all that you suffer with those things. I hope & pray that the voices you are finally hearing are the speaking the words that “things are getting better, and you will be ok” I will constantly pray for your inner peace. Don’t worry about “walking through the fog” I am just happy that you are walking. Most people would have given up by now. Your strength and bravery certainly amaze me. I am happy that I have had the pleasure of meeting you, sharing in your struggles, listening to your story being told and cheer for you when you triumph. Thank you for letting me be a small part of who you are.

  2. When a ship is sailing in a fog, there is the light from the light house that guides it so that it does not crash. Your writing is that light. And so are your friends that help you walk your life journey. Rely on these always . You are a courageous man who I admire . I give you love and my friendship .

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